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| Posted by Daniel L. Alston on 14-Aug-2005 | Dumb Messages and Warnings"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish." -- On a
bottle of shampoo for dogs.
"Do not use while sleeping." -- On a hair dryer.
"Do not light in face. Do not expose to flame." -- On a lighter.
"Do not eat." -- On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the
styrofoam packing.
"Access hole only -- not intended for use in lifting box." -- On the sides
of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume
were handholds.
"Warning: May cause drowsiness." -- On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of
sleeping pills.
"Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death." -- Stamped on the metal
barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.
"Turn off motor before using this product." -- On the packaging for a
chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.
"Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch
inflatable picture frame.
"Do not put in mouth." -- On a box of bottle rockets.
"Please remove before driving." -- On the back of a cardboard windshield
(for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).
"Remove plastic before eating." -- On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.
"Do not drive cars in ocean." -- In small print at the bottom of the
screen during a car commercial which shows a car in the ocean.
"Not dishwasher safe." -- On a remote control for a TV.
"For lifting purposes only." -- On the box for a car jack.
"Do not put lit candles on phone." -- On the instructions for a cordless
phone.
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Signs and Notices:
"No stopping or standing." -- A sign at a bus stop.
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Safety Procedures:
"Take care: new non-slip surface." -- On a sign in front of a newly
renovated ramp that led to the entrance of a building.
"In case of flood, proceed uphill. In case of flash flood, proceed uphill
quickly." -- One of the emergency safety procedures at a summer camp.
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| Posted by Sweet Laurita on 14-Aug-2005 | Make 1000 Betting 100!A guy walks into a bar. He sits down and says to the bartender,
"I'll bet
you $100 that if you put a shotglass at that end of the bar, I
could stand
at the other end and fill it up with my urine." Well the
bartender thinks,
"That's an easy $100." So he says "Okay." So the guy gets on top
of the
bar and pees everywhere, even on the bartender. Well, the
bartender
doesn't care, he just won $100. So very happily the bartender
asks for his
money. The guy very happily says, "Here you go!" The bartender
then asks,
"Why are you so happy?" And the guy says, "Well, do you see that
guy at
the other end of the bar? I bet him $1000 that I could pee on
you and you
would be happy!"
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| Posted by Ciara Blaze on 14-Aug-2005 | Cowboy?An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and
chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his
whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink
she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" He
replied, "Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows,
breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am."
After a short time the Cowboy asked the girl, "... and what are you"? She
replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, but I am a
lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in
the morning I think of women, when I eat, shower, watch TV, everything
seems to make me think of women."
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A
couple sat down next to him and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"; To which
he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a
lesbian."
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| Posted by thezaniak on 14-Aug-2005 | The Facts of Life1. The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
2. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you
3. Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live
with..
4. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
5. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends.
If they're OK, you're it.
6. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
7. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
8. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
9. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
10. If you are given on open-book exam, you will forget your book.
11. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where
you live.
12. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.
13. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
14. Murphy's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
15. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
average man can see better than he can think.
16. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on
society.
17. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you
left them to where you can't find them.
18. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will
not be evenly distributed.
19. Supplement : A 44 Magnum beats 4 aces.
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| Posted by Betsy on 14-Aug-2005 | Children's "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey"From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were
asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."
"My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him
we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I
guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to
Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him." Age 10
"When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he
better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell." Age 5
"I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it
was just a lawn mower." Age 11
"I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I
imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the
only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the
lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and
sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and
everyone died." Age 13
"I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found
my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already
gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense
of humor." Age 14
"I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which
is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who
wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?" Age 15
"Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I
think about the last words of my favorite uncle: 'A truck!'" Age
15
"It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's
birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would
have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or
December 26, just for the long weekends." Age 8
"Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about
letting just any old yokel vote." Age 10
"Home is where the house is." Age 6
"Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my
teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number."
Age 15
"It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an
accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed
it, the blood would be right there." Age 5
"Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to
accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money." Age 13
"For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green
cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big
hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out."
Age 6
"The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except
maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?"
or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I
was speeding?"" Age 15
"Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had
no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really
needed them, right?" Age 15
"I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as
some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he
sucks." Age 15
"If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize
world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would
be...until the looting started." Age 15
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| Posted by Holly Griman on 14-Aug-2005 | For Those Who Take Life Too SeriouslyFor Those Who Take Life Too Seriously
1. A day without sunshine is like, night.
2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
4. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be
misquoted, then used against you.
9. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
10. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
11. Remember: half the people you know are below average.
12. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it
remains?
13. Nothing is foolproof to a talented fool.
14. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16. Eagles may soar, but dogs don't get sucked into jet engines.
17. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets
the cheese.
18. I intend to live forever -- so far so good.
19. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her
friends?
21. The only substitue for good manners is fast reflexes.
22. Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have.
23. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane
and going the wrong way.
24. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you
tried.
25. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
26. Experience is something you don't get until after you need
it.
27. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
28. Bills travel though the mail at twice the speed of checks.
29. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
30. Realize that no matter what you do, the grocery store
check-out line you're in will always take the longest.
31. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
32. Anything you buy will go on sale the next day.
33. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
34. The colder the x-ray table the more of you body is required
on it.
35. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the
softness of the bread.
36. The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to your
ability to reach it.
37. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from
many is research.
38. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
39. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
40. Two wrongs are only the beginning.
41. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
42. The sooner you fall behine the more time you'll have to
catch up.
43. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
44. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
45. Get a new car for you spouse -- it'll be a great trade!
46. Plan to be spontaneous -- tomorrow.
47. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
48. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
49. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
50. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
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