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| Posted by Jeff R. Janney on 13-Aug-2005 | Dumbass RedneckOne Day A fat Redneck walks into a bar And Orders a Beer. Once the bartender Brings him his beer He stands up and Pisses in it. The Bartender Perplexed ask "Why did u piss in ur beer". The man Replies This isnt my Drink. The Bartender says "o playing a prank eh"? The guy Replies "Ya" Ive put gold in the bottom of the class". "Gold? the Bartender says Thats not urine"? Quickly the bartender swoops down the drink. and is dissapointed not to find gold. The man smiles And hands the Bartender a note. "Toldya I was playing a prank u dumbass".
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| Posted by Scn64 on 13-Aug-2005 | Not Bright CustomersThe following are actual stories told by travel agents (and you wonder why US citizens generally score less than the rest of the world on geography)...
- I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut. When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very irate and insisted 'I know it is real, I see people check in every week!'
- Also, I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
- A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, 'would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?'
- I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with 'I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.' Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, 'Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.' her response....click.
- A secretary called in looking for hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angeles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed.
- A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, 'Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.'
- I got a call from a man who asked, 'is it possible to see England from Canada?' I said, 'No.' He said 'but they look so close on the map.'
- Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay- over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, 'I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.'
- A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8: 20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am.I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
- A woman called and asked, 'Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?' I said, 'No, why do you ask?' She replied, 'Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?' After putting her on hold for a minute while I 'looked into it' ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
- I just got off the phone with a man who asked, 'How do I know which plane to get on?' I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, 'I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.'
- A woman called and said, ' I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes.' I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, 'Yea, whatever.'
- A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. 'Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.' I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, 'Look, I've been to China 4 times and every time they have accepted my American Express.'
- A woman called to make reservations, 'I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York' The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: 'Are you sure that's the name of the town?' 'Yes, what flights do you have?' replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, 'I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere.' The customer retorted, 'Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!' The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, 'You don't mean Buffalo, do you?' 'That's it! I knew it was a big animal!'
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| Posted by Ashley Brown on 07-Aug-2005 | What is the definition of a cyber slut?...What is the definition of a cyber slut?
A girl who types well with just one hand.
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| Posted by Alycia Dufresne on 13-Aug-2005 | Just Like HomeAn ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. Until the boat sank. The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing ... only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months he is lying on the beach one day, when the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen rows up to him.In disbelief, he asked her: 'Where did you come from? How did you get here?'
'I rowed from the other side of the island,' she said, 'I landed here when my cruise ship sank.'
'Amazing,' he said, 'You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.'
'Oh, this?' replied the woman 'I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island, the oars were whittled from Gumtree branches, I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.'
'But-but, that's impossible,' stuttered the man, 'you had no tools or hardware, how did you manage?'
'Oh, that was no problem,' replied the woman, 'on the South side of the island there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.'
The guy was stunned. 'Let's row over to my place, ' she said. As she docked, the man looked onshore, and nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk Leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven Hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.
As they walked into the house, she said casually 'It's not much, but I call it home. Please do sit down. Would you like a drink?'
'No, no thank you' he said, still dazed, 'can't take any more coconut juice.' 'It's not coconut juice,' the woman replied. 'I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?'
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, 'I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take A shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom.'
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. 'This woman is amazing,' he mused, 'what next?'
When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned him to sit down next to her. 'Tell me,' she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, 'we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know...' She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing! 'You mean?--,' he replied, '-I can check my e-mail from here?'
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| Posted by amy on 12-Aug-2005 | What is...what is black and white and red all the time?
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| Posted by Jesi Lucjak on 13-Aug-2005 | The Tromboom...(Please don't try this at home)
August, 1998, Montevideo, Uruguay
Paolo Esperanza, bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra's performance of Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture at an outdoor children's concert. In complete seriousness he placed a large, ignited firecracker, which was equivalent in strength to a quarter stick of dynamite, into his aluminum straight mute and then stuck the mute into the bell of his quite new Yamaha in-line double-valve bass trombone.
Later, from his hospital bed he explained to a reporter through bandages on his mouth, ''I thought that the bell of my trombone would shield me from the explosion and instead, would focus the energy of the blast outward's and away from me, propelling the mute high above the orchestra, like a rocket.''
However, Paolo was not up on his propulsion physics nor qualified to use high-powered artillery and in his haste to get the horn up before the firecracker went off, he failed to raise the bell of the horn high enough so as to give the mute enough arc to clear the orchestra.
What actually happened should serve as a lesson to us all during those delirious moments of divine inspiration. First, because he failed to sufficiently elevate the bell of his horn, the blast propelled the mute between rows of players in the woodwind and viola sections of the orchestra, missing the players and straight into the stomach of the conductor, driving him off the podium and directly into the front row of the audience.
Fortunately, the audience were sitting in folding chairs and thus they were protected from serious injury, for the chairs collapsed under them passing the energy of the impact of the flying conductor backwards into row of people sitting behind them, who in turn were driven back into the people in the row behind and so on, like a row of dominos. The sound of collapsing wooden chairs and grunts of people falling on their behinds increased logarithmically, adding to the overall sound of brass cannons and brass playing as constitutes the closing measures of the Overture.
Meanwhile, all of this unplanned choreography not withstanding, back on stage Paolo's Waterloo was still unfolding. According to Paolo, ''Just as the I heard the sound of the blast, time seemed to stand still. Everything moved in slow motion. Just before I felt searing pain to my mouth, I could swear I heard a voice with a Austrian accent say ''Fur every akshon zer iz un eekvul un opposeet reakshon!''
Well, this should come as no surprise, for Paolo had set himself up for a textbook demonstration of this fundamental law of physics. Having failed to plug the lead pipe of his trombone, he allowed the energy of the blast to send a super-heated jet of gas backwards through the mouth pipe of the trombone which exited the mouthpiece burning his lips and face.
The pyrotechnic ballet wasn't over yet. The force of the blast was so great it split the bell of his shiny Yamaha right down the middle, turning it inside out while at the same time propelling Paolo backwards off the riser. And for the grand finale, as Paolo fell backwards he lost his grip on the slide of the trombone allowing the pressure of the hot gases coursing through the horn to propel the trombone's slide like a double golden spear into the head of the 3rd clarinetist, knocking him unconscious.
The moral of the story? Beware the next time you hear someone in the trombone section yell out: ''Hey, everyone, watch this!''
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| Posted by Aaron R. Whittington on 13-Aug-2005 | The truth about BridgeA cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why she left her last employment, she replied, 'Yes, sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. They played a game called Bridge, and last night a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say, 'Lay down and let's see what you've got.' Another man said, 'I've got strength but no length.' Another man says to the lady, 'Take your hand off my trick!' I pretty near dropped dead just then, when the lady answered, 'You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise.' Another lady was talking about protecting her honor and two other ladies were talking and one said, 'Now it's time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine. Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I hope to die if one of them didn't say, 'Well, I guess we'll go home now. This is the last rubber.'
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| Posted by Tisch T. B on 13-Aug-2005 | The Pheasant and the BullA pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree', sighed the pheasant, 'but I haven't got the energy'.
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. 'They're packed with nutrients'.
The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on.
Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.
The Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
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| Posted by chicken E. taste on 13-Aug-2005 | Endangered SpeciesOne beautiful autumn day, a Park Ranger discovered a man sitting in the woods chewing away on a dead Bald Eagle.
'Hey mister, the Bald Eagle is a protected species, and killing one is punishable offence', said the Park Ranger.
The man was swiftly arrested, and ushered before the judge.
In court, he pleaded innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation.
'I was so hungry' complained the defensive camper, 'the Bald Eagle was the only food I could find!'
To everyone's amazement, the judge ruled in his favor.
In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, 'I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. But I'd like to know: What did it taste like?'
The man answered, 'Well, it tasted like a cross between a Whooping Crane and a Spotted Owl.'
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| Posted by Lindsey L. D on 13-Aug-2005 | JohaMr Dock was counting his goods and Joha was doing it on his fingers,
Mr dock: 2 bags of salt
Joha held two fingers down
Mr dock: 2 bags of sugar
Joha held the fourth and fifth down and the third was up>
Mr Dock : why you ... helding this on me or why are you raising the third finger ??
Joha : i dont want the sugar and salt to be mixed .........
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| Posted by Kara on 13-Aug-2005 | Blackjack and tippingA blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.
The player said, 'When I get bad cards, it's not the dealer's fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so, why should I tip him?'
The dealer said, 'When you eat out do you tip the waiter?'
'Yes.'
'Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me.'
'Okay, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for. I'll take an eight.'
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| Posted by Shania on 13-Aug-2005 | Black peopleWhy dont Black people dream????
because the last one that did got shot
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| Posted by estelle on 13-Aug-2005 | OJ (again)A guy is driving along the freeway in Los Angeles, and as he reaches downtown, he finds himself in the middle of a massive traffic jam that is blocking up five different freeways and sending lines of cars back for miles in all directions.
After a while, he notices a guy walking from car to car down the freeway, stopping and talking to people through their car windows.
When the guy reaches him he rolls down his window and says, ''Hey! What's causing all this delay?''
The guy on the freeway says, ''Well, you're not going to believe this, but OJ Simpson has sat down in the middle of the freeway intersection up there, and he's totally distraught, and he says there's no way he can ever pay the $35 million he owes the Goldman's and the Browns, and so he's threatened to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire if people don't give enough money... sufficient to cover the cost of the judgment. So I've taken up a collection to try to end the traffic jam.''
''How much have you gotten so far.''
''About ten gallons.''
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| Posted by Christopher M. Kohnen on 13-Aug-2005 | Witch Fly is WITCH?One day a guy was bored then his friend called and said"What are you doing?' 'Wathcing flies,I found 4.Two of tthem are males , and the other 2 are females.' How do you know witch one is witch?' 'Well 2 were sitting on the phone and the other 2 were sitting on beer bottles.'
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| Posted by Jaiva on 13-Aug-2005 | MonkeysThere are two monkeys in a bath one goes oooooooooohhhhhaaaaaa! The other one says put somebloody cold water in the bloody bath stupid monkey!!!
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| Posted by Winter L. Santiaga on 13-Aug-2005 | PastysThere once was a cornish pasty on one side of the road.On the other side of the road was another pasty.the cornish pasty says to the other pasty "hello jimmy!" The other pasty says"me names not jimmy stupid its beefy"
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| Posted by Dennis's on 13-Aug-2005 | Return too senderpaddy goes too the ticket office at the train station and says too the teller, can i have a day return please, she says where too,and paddy says for fok sake back here u daft cunt!!!
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| Posted by Brian Mac on 13-Aug-2005 | ConfusionHow do you confuse an idiot?
7
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| Posted by JELLOSA on 13-Aug-2005 | Expressing StupidityFew sandwiches short of a picnic
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| Posted by Mickey Kirksey on 13-Aug-2005 | What do you do if an idiot throws a grenade...What do you do if an idiot throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
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| Posted by Mel Ehrenzeller on 13-Aug-2005 | Wish mountainthree people are at the top of a wish mountain. on this wish mountain as u slide down whatever u wish 4 comes true. the first guy slides down and wishes he was rich. he gets to the bottom and lands in a pot of gold. the second guy slides down and wishes for a trip to hawaii. when he gets to the bottom he is in hawaii. The third slides down. on the way down he is havin so much fun he screams "WEEEEEEEEE!" when he gets t3 the bottom he lands in a puddle of wee (piss).
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| Posted by Hansen H. Lieu on 13-Aug-2005 | Green bucketwhat is green and looks like a bucket?
a green bucket.
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| Posted by wierdo on 13-Aug-2005 | Laboratory RabbitsA rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. 'Wow, this is great,' he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
'Hey,' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you guys wild rabbits?'
'Yes we are. We're so glad you escaped, welcome to freedom, please come and join us,' they cried.
Our friend hopped over to them and after normal rabbit introductions, started eating the grass. It tasted so good. 'What else do you free rabbits do?' he asked.
'Well,' one of them said. 'You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.'
This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, 'What else do free rabbits do?'
'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.'
The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. 'Is there anything else free rabbits do?' he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.
'There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,' he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. 'They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it.'
Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.
'That was fantastic,' he panted.
'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked.
'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.'
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We thought you liked it here.'
'I do,' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette.'
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