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| Posted by Kitty Devil on 13-Aug-2005 | Ear thisThere was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this 'unusual' handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears. Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business.
So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But, he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.
The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was 'Do you notice anything unusual about me?' The guy said, 'Now that you mention it, you have no ears.' The man got really upset and threw the guy out.
The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, 'Do you notice anything unusual about me?' This guy also noticed, 'Yes, you have no ears.' The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.
Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, 'Do you notice anything unusual about me?'
The guy replied 'Yeah, you're wearing contact lenses.' Surprised, the man then asked, 'Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?'
The guy burst out laughing and said, 'Well, You can't wear glasses if you don't have any fucking ears!'
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| Posted by J C. B on 13-Aug-2005 | Doctor's dietA woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. ''I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds.''
When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. ''Why, that's amazing!'' the doctor said, ''Did you follow my instructions?''
The woman nodded. ''I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.''
''From hunger, you mean?''
''No, from skipping.''
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| Posted by Daniel Nunez on 12-Aug-2005 | Two PenguinsThere were two penguins in a bathtub. One penguin says Hey pass me the shampoo. The other penguin say What do i look like, a microwave.
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| Posted by Hansen H. Lieu on 12-Aug-2005 | The Apple Pie JokeThere are two talking apple pies in the oven... one says, boy it sure is hot in here!"
The other says, "OH MY GOD!! A TALKING APPLE PIE!!"
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| Posted by jalover on 13-Aug-2005 | Q. What did the farmer say when he lost his...Q. What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
A. Where is my tractor?
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| Posted by Sam J. Wasserman on 07-Aug-2005 | Entropy isn't what it used to be....Entropy isn't what it used to be.
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| Posted by Dan Stepansky on 07-Aug-2005 | What If Dr. Seuss Did Technical Writing?...What If Dr. Seuss Did Technical Writing?
Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say:
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
You can't say this?
What a shame sir!
We'll find you
Another game sir.
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
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| Posted by Joe Skager on 12-Aug-2005 | Nice ParrotThere was a man who traveled all around the world. Every city he stopped in he would buy something for his mother and send it to her. On one such stop he found a parrot that spoke thirty different languages. He immediately bought it and sent it home to his mother.
A few days later he calls his mother. "Did you like the parrot?" he asked her.
"Oh yes," she replied. "It was delicious."
"WHAT!" the man cried. "You ate it? That parrot wasn't for you to eat! It spoke thirty languages!"
The mother paused for a moment and then said, "So why didn't he say something?"
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| Posted by Nickie M. Necsefr on 07-Aug-2005 | The Top 11 Things Uttered by Yoda While Making...The Top 11 Things Uttered by Yoda While Making Love
11. "Ahhh! Yoda's little friend you seek!"
10. "Urm. Put a shield on my saber I must."
9. "Feel the force!"
8. "Foreplay, cuddling - a Jedi craves not these things."
7. "Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I must!"
6. "Do me or do me not-there is no try."
5. "Early must I rise. Leave now you must!"
4. "Happens to every guy sometimes this does."
3. "When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmmm?"
2. "Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!"
1. "Who's your Jedi master? Who's your Jedi Master?"
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| Posted by Tommy K. Barf on 13-Aug-2005 | SuperbowlA guy wins tickets to the Super Bowl in a charity raffle.
Best seats in the house... right on the 50 yard line and close to the field.
As the game starts, he notices the seat next to him is empty.
He comments to the man across the gap: 'this is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!'
The man replies, 'Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967.'
'Well, that's really sad, but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?'
'No,' the man replies, 'They're all at the funeral.'
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| Posted by Charles W. Menge on 07-Aug-2005 | If a straight line fit is required, obtain...If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data
points.
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| Posted by Smith on 13-Aug-2005 | A really stupid frog jokeA teacher had a 5-year-old come up to her and said that he found a frog. The teacher asked, "Is the frog alive or dead?"
The student replied, "It's dead."
The teacher then asked, "How do you know for sure?"
The boy said, "I pissed in its ear."
Aghast, the teacher said, "You did what?"
He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move. So, it must be dead."
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| Posted by Bluey Dinosaur on 13-Aug-2005 | Ice creamAn abulance driver was driving through a street when he notices a small boy chasing him. He turned the corner the boy was still there so he decided to slow down and see what the boy wanted....He asked the boy if he was alright and the boy reply one ice cream please
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| Posted by Sarah Northington on 07-Aug-2005 | The top 6 reasons computers are female......The top 6 reasons computers are female...
6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the
corner.
5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to
memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as
informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then
I'm certainly not going to tell you".
and the number one reason computers are female:
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it!
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| Posted by Smart Fool on 12-Aug-2005 | Window washersThere were 3 male windowwashers. One Mexican one American and one Polish. At lunch break one day the Mexican opened his lunch and got a burrito. He said,\"man if i get another burrito im gonna jump.\" The American said,\"if i get another bologna sandwich im gonna jump.\" The Polish guy said,\"if i get another sausage im gonna jump. The next day they all commited suicide. At their funerals the Mexican wife said,\" If only I would have known he didnt want another burrito i would have packed him something else.\" The Polish wife said,\" I would have packed my hubbie something else if i wouldve known.\" Then they turned and looked at the American wife. She said, \"what are u looking at me for, he packs his own lunches.\"
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| Posted by lafonda on 13-Aug-2005 | RetardQ:How do u get 5 retards into an ambulance??
A:2 in the front 2 in the back and the other on the top making the siren sound effects.
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| Posted by Dan Berkowitz on 07-Aug-2005 | Let's put this into sensible units - - like...Let's put this into sensible units - - like furlongs per fortnight.
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| Posted by Jordan L. Lee on 07-Aug-2005 | You should go home....You should go home.
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| Posted by BILLY B. PLOTTER on 07-Aug-2005 | Speaking of being stuck on one address, my...Speaking of being stuck on one address, my professor once told this
tale of misoptimization, quite possibly apocryphal. It seems these
computer architects were looking to speed up their machine. They looked
at their dynamic instruction counts and picked a branch instruction
that was heavily used. After fixing the microcode they started up the
system again and noticed NO improvement in speed. Turns out the branch
was used by the idle loop in the scheduler. All they did was make the
CPU spin its wheels faster.
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| Posted by Nick Jerimiah on 07-Aug-2005 | Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon...Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry
is the study of carbon compounds that crawl.
- Mike Adams
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| Posted by Derek K. Lewis on 07-Aug-2005 | The reason computer chips are so small is...The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
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| Posted by Jared A. Stevenson on 12-Aug-2005 | Nok noknok nok ! whose there? banana banana who? nok nok whose there banana banana who? nok nok let me guess its banana? Nope ok i\'ll anwser the door then. WHO IS IT THIS TIME? Its Orange. OH YEAH ORANGE WHO? Orange you glad i didn\'t say banana ?
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