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| Posted by ryanjenkins on 14-Aug-2005 | Elderly DriversTwo elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could
barely see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The
stoplight was red but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be
losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and
the light was red again, and again they went right though.
This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that
the light had been red but was really concerned that she was
losing it.
She was getting nervous, and decided to pay very close attention
to the road, and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely
red and they went right through and she turned to the other
woman and said, "Mildred! Don't you know we just ran through
three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said "OH SHIT!!! Am I driving?"
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| Posted by Jr Sand on 14-Aug-2005 | Gas MetersTwo gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young
trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked
their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end.
At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two
men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger
coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an
older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that
last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and
asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard
as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"
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| Posted by Cyberventurer on 14-Aug-2005 | Have you ever eaten pork?A Priest and a Rabbi were riding in a plane. After a while, the Priest
turned to the Rabbi and asked,
"Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"
The Rabbi responded, "yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
The Priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the Rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to
temptation and tasted pork."
The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.
A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father,
is it still a requirement of your church that you remain chaste?"
The Priest replied "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."
The Rabbi then asked him,
"Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"
The Priest replied, "Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke
with my faith."
The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said,
"a lot better than pork isn't it?"
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| Posted by Adrian on 14-Aug-2005 | A Parrot Never ForgetsA woman goes to a jumble sale and sees a parrot for sale for $1.
She thinks it's too cheap to pass off, so she buys it, but is
warned that it has a few choice phrases since it used to live in
a brothel. She gets it home and it looks around and says "New
house, new mistress!" The woman laughs and her two daughters
come down to see what she was laughing at, the parrot says "new
house, new mistress, two new whores" The girls are shocked, but
they laugh it over and the husband walks in from work the parrot
says "New house, new mistress, two new whores, hello Keith!"
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| Posted by *DevilGrl* on 14-Aug-2005 | 13 Things To Do At Walmart1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples' carts
when they aren't looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
"I think we have a code 3 in houseware," and see what happens.
5. Put some M&M's on lay away.
6. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.
7. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you'll
only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding
department.
8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask,
"Why won't you people leave me alone."
9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror
while you pick your nose.
10. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from
'Mission Impossible.'
11. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk
if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
12. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through
whisper "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!"
13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the
fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"
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| Posted by Happy Hippy Hamster on 14-Aug-2005 | Porsche 911 Twin Turbo and MopedA very self-important young man goes out and buys what he
believes is the best car available: a 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. It
is one of the fastest and most expensive cars in the world.
That night, he takes it out for a spin and, while doing so,
stops at a red light. An old man on a moped (both looking about
90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the
sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya'
got there, sonny?"
The young man replies, "A 1997 Porsche 911 Turbo. It cost me
$100,000."
"That's a lot of money," replies the old man. "Why do they cost
so much?"
"Because this car can do up to 180 miles an hour!" states the
young man proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
"Sure," replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty
nice car, all right!"
Just then the light changes, so the young guy decides to show
the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 10
seconds the speedometer reads 120 MPH. Suddenly, he notices a
dot in his rear view mirror that seems to be getting closer! He
slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, whhhoooossshhh!
Something whips by him, going much faster!
"What on earth could be going faster than my Porsche 911 Turbo?"
the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot
coming toward him. Whoooooosh! It goes by again, heading the
opposite direction! And, it almost looked like the old man on
the moped!
"Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a
Porsche 911 Turbo?"
Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whooooosh-BLAMMM!
It plows into the back of his car. The young man jumps out. It
is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting
for certain. He runs up to the old man and says, "You're hurt
bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man groans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders from
your side mirror, please."
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