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| Posted by Justin Andre on 10-Aug-2005 | Ever thrown out by a hareThis story was related by a baseball announcer, who attributed it to
HonusWagner.
Way back when Honus played, they didn't have stadium lights and
when it got dark, you couldn't see what you were doing very well.One time, he
was playing in the outfield and the ball was hit his way, but he just lost it in
the darkness. Fortunately, a rabbit was running by at the time and he grabbed
it and threw it to first for the out.This was the very first time anyone was
ever thrown out by a hare.
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| Posted by Apple Jack on 10-Aug-2005 | Babe RootWhat do you get when you cross a tree with a baseball player?
Babe Root.
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| Posted by jeessejames on 10-Aug-2005 | Cowboys playThe Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is going to take
out the artificial turf because the Cowboys play better on "grass".
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| Posted by Box Turtle on 10-Aug-2005 | EuropeA baseball player is sitting on the bench along with the coach. Suddenly,
the
coach starts saying, "Germany, Italy, Spain, Britain." The guy looks at
him and
says, "Huh?" to which the coach replies... "Europe!"
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| Posted by Dave Kozlowsky on 10-Aug-2005 | Baseball and LawWhat is the difference between baseball and law?
In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
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| Posted by CuTiE BaBiE on 10-Aug-2005 | Right after the National AnthemA rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have
a talk with him. "I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw.
"You always lose control at the same point in every game."
"When is that?"
"Right after the National Anthem."
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| Posted by Michelle Bowery on 10-Aug-2005 | Giant FansWhy is it so windy at Candlestick Park? (Home of the San Francisco Giants)
Because of all the Giant Fans!
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| Posted by Kitty Devil on 10-Aug-2005 | 2 FOR 1A man decided to buy a new telescope for his rifle as hunting season was about
to start. He goes to a rifle shop and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you
can see my house all the way up on that hill." The man takes a look through the
scope and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house," the man
replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man and looks at his house. Then he
hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this
scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and
shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope, and says, "You know what? I
think I can do that with one shot!"
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| Posted by Marlene R. Ehlers on 10-Aug-2005 | DIARY OF A DEER HUNTER1:00 AM: Alarm clock rings.
2:00 AM: Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
2:30 AM: Throw everything except kitchen sink into pickup.
3:00 AM: Leave for deep woods.
3:15 AM: Drive back home to pick up gun.
3:30 AM: Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 AM: Set up camp. Forgot the stupid tent.
4:30 AM: Head for the woods.
6:05 AM: See eight deer.
6:06 AM: Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 AM: CLICK.
6:08 AM: Load gun while watching deer go over hill.
8:00 AM: Head back to camp.
9:00 AM: Still looking for camp.
10:00 AM: Realize that you don't know where camp is.
NOON : Fire gun for help---eat wild berries.
2:15 PM: Run out of bullets---eight deer come back.
2:20 PM: Strange feeling in stomach.
2:30 PM: Realize that you ate poison berries.
2:45 PM: Rescued.
2:55 PM: Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped, throw up instead.
3:15 PM: Arrive back at camp.
3:30 PM: Leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 PM: Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 PM: Load gun---leave camp again.
5:00 PM: Empty gun on bug that is bugging you.
6:00 PM: Arrive at camp -- see deer grazing.
6:01 PM: Load gun.
6:02 PM: Fire gun.
6:03 PM: One dead pickup.
6:05 PM: Hunting partners arrive in camp dragging deer.
6:06 PM: Repress desire to shoot hunting partners.
6:07 PM: Fall into fire.
6:10 PM: Change clothing, throw burned ones in fire.
6:15 PM: Take pickup, leave hunting partners and deer in camp.
6:25 PM: Pickup boils over due to hole shot in block.
6:26 PM: Start walking.
6:30 PM: Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud.
6:35 PM: Meet bear.
6:36 PM: Take aim.
6:37 PM: Fire gun, blow up barrel that's plugged with mud.
6:38 PM: Mess pants.
6:39 PM: Climb tree.
11:00 PM: Bear leaves. Wrap gun around tree.
Midnight: Home at last. Fall on knees thanking Maker.
Next day: Watch football game on TV, slowly tearing up hunting license into
small pieces, place in envelope, and mail to Game Warden.
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| Posted by Ivan Borka on 10-Aug-2005 | TWO BEAR HUNTERSTwo men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out
looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running
for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him
with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell
flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into
the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You
skin this one while I go and get another one!"
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| Posted by anna hindu on 10-Aug-2005 | Amish waterWhy don't the Amish water ski?
The horses would drown.
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| Posted by Dr.16 on 10-Aug-2005 | Bad golfer and a bad skydiverwhat's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
bad golfer: whack! "s***!"
bad skydiver: "s***!!" whack!!
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| Posted by josh baker on 10-Aug-2005 | Miranda RightsHow do the Dallas Cowboys spend their first week at spring training?
Studying their Miranda Rights.
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| Posted by Shirley Chan on 10-Aug-2005 | Condom BowlHave you noticed that the "Super Bowl" this year sounds more like the "Condom
Bowl"?
Titans vs. Rams.
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| Posted by Ross Monkey on 10-Aug-2005 | Bait my hookWith the advent of Spring in the US, a lot of avid fishermen are already out
there trying their luck. My sister-in-law's husband is probably one of the most
rabid around. Returning from a day of fishing near the Chesapeake Bay Bridge I
asked him if they were biting. He replied, "Were they? I had to lie down in the
boat just to bait my hook!"
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| Posted by Vince Carter on 10-Aug-2005 | Three hours of fightingGeorge was describing a 30 pound Bass he'd caught recently after fighting it
for three hours. Bill interrupted the story saying, "I saw the picture you took
of that fish. You're lucky if it even weighed 10 pounds."
George replied, "Well... a fish can lose an awful lot of weight during three
hours of fighting."
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| Posted by Katiekate m. Star on 10-Aug-2005 | My one neighbor VanMy one neighbor Van is a true sport fisherman. He said once he caught a Great
White Shark. Never having seen it on display in his home, I asked what happened
to it. He sighed and replied, "Well, it was too small to keep, so I and three
other guys threw it back in."
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| Posted by Debby Harwood on 10-Aug-2005 | A fishermanA fisherman returned to shore with a giant Marlin that was larger and heavier
than he was. On the way to the cleaning shed, he ran into a buddy who had maybe
a dozen or so Rockfish. The buddy eyed the Marlin and said, "Only caught the
one, huh?"
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| Posted by Tom Fell on 10-Aug-2005 | A hunterA hunter was visiting another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the
den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?"
The host said, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."
"What's he stuffed with?" asked the visiting hunter.
"My wife!"
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| Posted by Philippe Ballerstedt on 10-Aug-2005 | A hack golferA hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying
the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all
day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway.
He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm
going to go drown myself in that lake."
The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head
down that long."
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| Posted by Kurht R. Engle on 10-Aug-2005 | Umpires OnlyMy friend Don, a minor-league umpire, is used to being heckled by fans. But
imagine his surprise when he was rushing to umpire an exhibition game at Coors
Field in Denver. After a long search for a place to change clothes, Don finally
located a room with a neatly lettered sign: "Dressing Room, Umpires Only."
As he was about to go in, however, he inspected the sign more closely. Below
the printed legend was the same message ... written in Braille.
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| Posted by lafonda on 10-Aug-2005 | I got here in TWOGeorge looks like golf pro in his designer outfit but he slices his first
drive deep into the woods. Rather than accept a penalty, he decides to try using
an iron to get back on the fairway. His ball ricochets off a tree and strikes
him on the forehead, killing him.
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter greets him. "You look like a
golfer. Are you any good?"
George replies, "Absolutely.... I got here in TWO, didn't I?"
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| Posted by David Baughman on 10-Aug-2005 | SKI SEASON TIPSSki season is here. The following is a list of exercises to help you prepare:
- Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
- Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you
go to bed each night.
- If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
- Throw away a hundred dollar bill - now.
- Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots
carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for
your car. Sporadically drop things.
- Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice
and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
- Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
- Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at
high speed.
- Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are
in the longest line.
- Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast
enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
- Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and
you're following an 18 wheeler.
- Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your
face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
- Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off
because you have to go to the bathroom.
- Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
- Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the
real thing.
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| Posted by greb0 on 10-Aug-2005 | WINSTON CUPthree surgeons were arguing about who was the best surgeon.
the first said,???i reattached a severed arm on a man who went on to become one
of the best pitchers in the major league."
the second said,???i reattached a severed leg on a man who went on to become one
of the best place kickers in the nfl."
the third surgeon could not be out done. he said,???i once stitched a mustache
to an a****** and he went on to become a seven time winston cup champion!"
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| Posted by Da MaN D on 10-Aug-2005 | 13 THINGS YOU WON'T HEAR AT THE DAYONA 50013) "None for me thanks. That Skoal will do a number on your teeth."
12) "Tampax! Get 'cha Tampax here!"
11) "Hey, shut up! I can't hear the race."
10) "Sex with your sister!? Man, that's sick."
9) "My GOD, this is a splendid Merlot!"
8) "Hey, you with the large breasts -- out of the way! We're trying to watch a
race here!"
7) "Chesterton, be a good lad and retrieve the Wall Street Journal from my
attach?© case, then fetch me some clotted cream for my scone."
6) "What a coincidence, Hank -- all my friends are boycotting Hooters, too!"
5) "These are even better seats than we had for the Lionel Richie concert!"
4) "Good morning, Mr. Trickle. We at 'Depends' understand you're looking for a
new corporate sponsor..."
3) "Whew! No more beer for me, fellas..."
2) "Filling in for Dale 'the intimidator' Earnhardt today is substitute
driver, Michael 'Lord of the Dance' Flatley."
1) "...and now, singing our national anthem -- international recording artist
Boy George!"
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| Posted by LilSexyDevil13 on 10-Aug-2005 | NASCARDid you know racecar spelled backwards is racecar?
Who says NASCAR isn't educational?
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| Posted by Poopfroggyman on 10-Aug-2005 | Dale EarnhardtDid you hear Dale Earnhardt was arrested for drugs?
They found everything but speed on him.
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| Posted by Blah Blah on 10-Aug-2005 | Johnny CochranThe Cowboys knew they had to do something for their defense, so they hired a
new defensive coordinator: Johnny Cochran.
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| Posted by Kyra S. Travis on 10-Aug-2005 | Honor SystemThe Dallas Cowboys adopted a new "Honor System", Yes your Honor, No your
Honor.
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| Posted by Kas D on 10-Aug-2005 | Coke machineI understand Chicago is trying to sign Michael Irvin. They got rid of the
refrigerator, so now they want a coke machine.
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