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| Posted by ammooni on 14-Aug-2005 | Explorer's New TransplantsAn explorer was flying over Africa and his plane crashed.
Luckily a witch doctor came and found him and brought him back
to his village. When the explorer became conscious again the
witch docter told the explorer, "I have some good news and some
bad news." So the explorer says, "Well, whats the bad news?"
"The bad news is that in the plane crash you lost your eye, your
arm, and your dingy." The explorer asks, "Whats the good news?"
"I am a animal transplanter and when you were unconscious I
trasplanted animal parts to you." The explorer asks, "Is there
any way I can thank you???" "Just check in with me in 2 weeks."
When the explorer goes back to see the witch docter he says, "I
love this eye I can see a sparrow scratching his ass 40 yards
away!! what is it???" "That eye would be an eagle eye." "Oh I
love it. And this arm I can lift a car with this arm!!! What is
it???" "That's a gorilla arm." "I like this one too. There is
only one thing wrong about the dingy you gave me." "Well what
seems to be the problem?" "You see, I love it, the ladies love
it, but it keeps shoving grass up my ass?? What is it???" "That
would be an elephant trunk."
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| Posted by Serena Zold on 14-Aug-2005 | The Mightiest of Jungle animalsThere was this tiger who woke up one morning and just felt great. He felt
so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him, "Who
is the mightiest of all the jungle animals?!" And this poor quaking little
monkey replied, "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."
A little while later, this tiger confronts a deer and just bellows out,
"Who is the greatest and strongest of all the jungle animals?!" The deer
is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer, "Oh great
tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant that was quietly
munching on some weeds and roared at the top of his voice, "Who is the
mightiest of all the animals in the jungle?!" This elephant grabs the
tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down, picks him up again,
and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of orange and black, and
finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The tiger staggers to his
feet and looks at the elephant and says, "Man, just because you don't know
the answer, you don't have to get so angry!"
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| Posted by meryl m. clewett on 14-Aug-2005 | The GerbilThis guy named Bob walked into a bar with a frog and a gerbil. The
bartender, who was curious of why he had such odd pets with him decided to
ask about it. The guy replied "that his animals had special talents and
could not leave them at home." So, the bartender, who was now even more
curious then before, wanted to know what they did, so of course he asked.
Bob then whipped out a miniature piano. He sat the Gerbil down next to the
piano and the little thing started playing. After a few measures, the frog
starts singing to the tune.
The man that was sitting next to the guy said that he would pay Bob $500
for that frog.
Without thought, the man gave the frog to the man.
As Bob was counting his money, the bartender asked why he sold such a
thing. To which Bob replied "it is okay, the Gerbil is a ventriloquist"
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| Posted by slut j/k on 14-Aug-2005 | Quotes About Cats"Quotes About Cats"
"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats."
- Dave Platt
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."
-Anonymous {So true! My cats walks on me! - LadyHawke}
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.
Cats have never forgotten this."
- Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull
a sled through snow."
- Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."
- English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."
- Ellen Perry Berkeley
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are G-d."
"One cat just leads to another." - Ernest Hemingway
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message
and get back to you later."
- Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject
to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who
suffered from insomnia."
- Joseph Wood Krutch
"People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their
next life."
- Faith Resnick
"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They
are all owned by cats."
- Anonymous
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The
wisdom of cats is infinitely superior."
- Hippolyte Taine
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life:
music and cats."
- Albert Schweitzer
"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart."
- Ernest Menaul
"Time spent with cats is never wasted."
- Colette
"No heaven will not ever Heaven be;
Unless my cats are there to welcome me."
- Anonymous
"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel.
True, and they have many other fine qualities as well."
- Missy Dizick
"You will always be lucky if you know how to make
friends with strange cats."
- Colonial American proverb
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any
harm to ask for what you want."
- Joseph Wood Krutch
"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit."
- John S. Nichols
"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle
and will p**s on your computer."
- Bruce Graham
"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic."
"My husband said it was him or the cat ... I miss him sometimes."
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| Posted by kaitlyn on 14-Aug-2005 | A New PetOnce upon a time a man was lonely and decided life would be more
fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the
owner that he wanted an unusual pet. He then bought a centipede,
which came in a little white box. He took the box home and
decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to
have a drink. So he asked him:
"Would you like to go to Frank's Place and have a beer?"
No answer. This bothered him a bit So a few minutes later he
again asked him: "How about going to the bar and having a drink
with me?"
Again... no answer. He asked him one more time: "Hey, would you
like to go & have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time.
I'm just putting on my shoes."
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| Posted by Matt K on 14-Aug-2005 | Sex HogA farmer decided one day that he wanted to breed his prize-winning hog.
So, he put her in a cart and wheeled her to a farm five miles away, to
breed with a high class pig. He paid $20 for the stud fee, and after they
were done, brought his hog back to his farm.
The next day he went out to check and see if she was pregnant, but she was
not. So, he put her back in the cart and wheeled her to a farm that was
ten miles away, bred her with the pig there, who was said to be of higher
class than the first, and paid his $50 stud fee. Then brought the hog back
home.
But, when he checked the next day, she still was not pregnant! This time
he wheeled her to a farm that was twenty miles away, and was the home of
one of the best pigs in the county. He paid a $100 stud fee, and then
wheeled his hog all the way back home and went to bed.
In the morning the farmer was just too exhausted to get out of bed and go
see if his hog was finally pregnant, so he asked his wife to check for
him. The wife came back and told her husband, "Well, she ain't pregnant,
but she's in the cart and ready to go."
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