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():funny quotes (263): "One of the curious effects of a bad hangover... |
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| Posted by Nate M. F on 07-Aug-2005 | "One of the curious effects of a bad hangover..."One of the curious effects of a bad hangover is that
you think you're wrong whether you are or not.
Not wrong in particulars,
but wrong in general, wrong about everything."
- Jim Harrison
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| Posted by Will Greer on 14-Aug-2005 | More quotes"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat
pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? 'Don't eat pork. God
has spoken.' Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to
outsmart everybody?" --Jon Stewart
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in
the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how
to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to
swim.' " --Paula Poundstone
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up
quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is
the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants
to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There
should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should
have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary
and they would only play with each other." --Rita Rudner
"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on
the pumpkin." --Winston Spear
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting
C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I
actually bought a congressman." --Bruce Baum
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me
advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there." --Ron
Richards
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They
always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I
think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
--Ellen DeGeneres
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what
to feed it." --Steven Wright
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color,
but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." --Jerry
Seinfeld
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in
New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but
it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' " --Richard Jeni
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway
through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be
eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery
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| Posted by Amanda Bennett on 14-Aug-2005 | 50 actual newspaper headings(collected by actual journalists)
1. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies in House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
21. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
30. War Dims Hope for Peace
31. If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42. Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
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():funny quotes (263): "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people... |
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| Posted by i-HaVe PmS on 07-Aug-2005 | "And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people..."And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me.
And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'"
- George Burns
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| Posted by Thalia G. Grace on 14-Aug-2005 | Ineffective Daily AffirmationsAs I let go of my feelings of guilt, I can get in touch with my Inner
Sociopath.
I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of
suspicion and paranoia.
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are
someone else's fault.
I no longer need to punish, deceive or compromise myself. Unless, of
course, I want to stay employed.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of good judgment.
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality
at all.
Joan of Arc heard voices too.
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious,
self-righteous people around me.
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
As I learn the innermost secrets of the people around me, they reward me
in many ways to keep me quiet.
When someone hurts me, forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit. But not
nearly as gratifying.
The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice
things for myself. The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.
As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid, and disgusting
parts.
I am at one with my duality.
Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.
I will strive to live each day as if it were my 40th birthday.
Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with
imaginary fears.
I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local
laws.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no
sweeter words than "I told you so."
False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the problem.
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV.
Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a minute... I'll find
someone.
Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying
about the future?
The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is
working.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step --
blaming my parents.
To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it look like I'm
giving as much as I'm getting.
I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from
them.
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