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| Posted by mr piemanmoo on 14-Aug-2005 | Famous Last Words* It's fireproof.
* He's probably just hibernating.
* What does this button do?
* I'm making a citizen's arrest.
* So, you're a cannibal.
* It's probably just a rash.
* Are you sure the power is off?
* Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?
* The odds of that happening have to be a million to one!
* Pull the pin and count to what?
* Which wire was I supposed to cut?
* I wonder where the mother bear is.
* I've seen this done on TV.
* These are the good kind of mushrooms.
* I'll hold it and you light the fuse.
* Let it down slowly.
* Rat poison only kills rats.
* Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.
* It's strong enough for both of us.
* This doesn't taste right.
* I can make this light before it changes.
* Nice doggie.
* I can do that with my eyes closed.
* I've done this before.
* Well, we've made it this far.
* That's odd.
* You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?
* Don't be so superstitious.
* Now watch this.
* What duck?
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| Posted by animal jokes on 14-Aug-2005 | Reneck Family TreeMany many years ago when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy.
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She's my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!!
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| Posted by Wendy on 14-Aug-2005 | Amazing AnagramsAn Anagram is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the
letters of another word or phrase. The following examples are quite
astounding (although I think someone has too much spare time on their
hands).
Amazing anagrams:
Dormitory == Dirty Room
Evangelist == Evil's Agent
Desperation == A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code == Here Come Dots
Slot Machines == Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity == Is No Amity
Snooze Alarms == Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness == Genuine Class
Semolina == Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries == Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point == I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes == That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two == Twelve plus one
Contradiction == Accord not in it
The next two are truely really amazing. This well known phrase from Hamlet
by Shakespeare:
"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the
mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."
becomes:
"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero,
Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."
This phrase from more recent history (including the name of the man
who uttered it):
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind."
- Neil A. Armstrong
becomes:
"A thin man ran; makes a large stride; left planet, pins flag on moon!
On to Mars!"
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| Posted by Nafe bafe schlafe on 14-Aug-2005 | Naming the newbornsA woman, who was pregnant with twins, got into a car accident
and went into a coma... She was rushed to the hospital where
doctors delivered her twins to save them. But as she was in a
coma and her husband was overseas on business, her brother was
the only one present to name her children.
When she came out of the coma, hours after arriving at the
hospital and found out that her brother had named the twins, she
was very worried. Her brother was not very bright, and she
didn't think he would have done a very good job of choosing her
kids' names.
When he came in to see her she asked, "So what names did you
choose for my children?"
He replied, "The first born was a girl."
"Oh," started the woman, "and what did you name her??"
"Denise," answered her brother.
The woman was very surprised, and very pleased, "Hey, that's not
half bad!" She exclaimed to her brother. "And what did you name
the second child?" She waited excitedly to hear the name her
brother had chosen for the other child.
"Well, the next born was a boy," her brother informed her.
"Yes, and what did you name him??" inquired the woman.
Replied the brother, "Denephew."
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| Posted by Mr. HaHa on 14-Aug-2005 | Bumper StickersHere are some sayings that would make good bumper stickers:
1. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
2. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet
engines
3. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese
4. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
5 I intend to live forever - so far, so good
6. I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
7. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
8. If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!
9. Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
10. Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
11. Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
12. Robin Hood was a terrorist
13. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it
14. Shake well before and after use
15. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have
16. The light at the end of the tunnel is a muzzle flash
17. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
18. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
19. People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather
because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle
gangs.
20. "Honk if you have never seen an Uzi fired from a car window."
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| Posted by Krystal on 14-Aug-2005 | An Unfortunate AccidentA plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead
is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now
sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you
earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of
coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of
my pants!"
A passenger said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
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