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| Posted by chris magee on 14-Aug-2005 | Famous Words"I have always found strangers sexy." - Hugh Grant, six months before he was arrested with stranger Divine Brown.
"I would not wish to be Prime Minister, dear." - Margaret Thatcher in 1973.
"That rainbow song's no good. Take it out." - MGM memo after first showing of The Wizard Of Oz.
"You'd better learn secretarial skills or else get married." - Modelling agency, rejecting Marilyn Monroe in 1944.
"Radio has no future." "X-rays are clearly a hoax". "The aeroplane is scientifically impossible." - Royal Society president Lord Kelvin, 1897-9.
"You ought to go back to driving a truck." - Concert manager, firing Elvis Presley in 1954.
"Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel." - MGM executive, advising against investing in Gone With The Wind.
"Can't act. Can't sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little." - A film company's verdict on Fred Astaire's 1928 screen test.
"Very interesting, Whittle, my boy, but it will never work." - Professor of Aeronautical Engineering at Cambridge, shown Frank Whittle's plan for the jet engine.
"There will be one million cases of AIDS in Britain by 1991." - World Health Organisation in a 1989 report. It over-estimated by 992,301 cases.
"The Beatles? They're on the wane." - The Duke of Edinburgh in Canada, 1965. They went on to produce a string of No 1s.
"The atom bomb will never go off - and I speak as an expert in explosives." - U.S. Admiral William Leahy in 1945.
"All saved from Titanic after collision." - New York Evening Sun, April 15 1912.
"Brain work will cause women to go bald." - Berlin professor, 1914.
"Television won't matter in your lifetime or mine." - Radio Times editor Rex Lambert, 1936.
"Everything that can be invented has been invented." - director of the US Patent Office, 1899.
"And for the tourist who really wants to get away from it all, safaris in Vietnam." - Newsweek magazine, predicting popular holidays for the late 1960s.
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| Posted by Chuckie on 14-Aug-2005 | Passion for BeansOnce upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved then. but he always had a very embarassing and somewhat lively reaction to them. Then, one day, he met a girl and fell in love with her. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she is a sweet and gentle girl and will never go for this kind of carrying on. So, he made the supreme sacrafice and gave up the beans.
The were married thereafter. Some months later, his car broke down on the way home from work and since they lived in the country, he called her and told her that he would be late getting home because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the odor of freshly baked beans was overwhelming. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured that he would work off any effects before reaching home, so he stopped at the cafe. Before leaving, he had eaten three large orders of baked beans.
All the way home, he put-putted and after arriving, felt reasonably sure that he had putted his last. His wife seemed somewhat agitated and excited to see him and exclaimed: Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner tonight. She then blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the table. He seated himself and just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him vow that he would not touch the blindfold until she returned. Then she went to answer the phone.
Seizing the opportunity, he shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but as ripe as a rotten egg. He took the napkin from his lap and vigorously fanned the air around him. Things had just about returned to normal, when he felt the urge come on again, so he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again.
This was a true prize winner. While keeping his ear on the phone, he went on like this for 10 minutes, until he knew the phone farewell indicated the end of his freedom. He placed the napkin in his lap and folded his hands on top of it and smiling contently to himself was the perfect picture on innocence.
When his wife returned she asked if he had peeked and he said no. At that point, she removed the blindfold and revealed his surprise.
Twelve dinner guests seated around the table for a birthday party for him.
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| Posted by Julia E. Singer on 14-Aug-2005 | Nerds!!!!!!A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. Approaching the bar, he sees a big sign on the door saying "NERDS NOT ALLOWED-ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" He goes in and sits down.
The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says OK, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
Sipping his beer, the truck driver watches as a skinny guy walks in complete with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now.
"You don't even need a license," he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers.
They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver said "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em."
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| Posted by Rhody J. Corcoran on 14-Aug-2005 | Oh, I'm a Lumberjack and I'm OK....After a long period of unemployment, a lumberjack finally succeeds in finding work. After six months of being out in the boonies and being totally bored to death during his off-hours, he asks one of his coworkers:
"Ya know, I've been out here in the middle of nowhere for six months now, and I'm dying for some excitement. Any women around here?"
His friend answers "Sorry, Bud, no women around here, but if it's excitement you really want, tell ya what...There's an old cabin down by the riverbank, and an old guy name'a Charlie lives there. If you don't mind spending a little money, Charlie will show you the time of your life."
"NO. NO WAY!! I DON'T GO IN FOR THAT KINDA STUFF!! WHAT THE HELL D'YOU THINK I AM, ANYWAY?"
"Okay, but you're gonna be out here for a long time..."
"I don't care. I'm not doing anything like that, so forget it."
And so.... Six months after this conversation took place, the fella goes back to his friend and sez...
"I can't hack this anymore. I'm going out of my mind from boredom. Six months ago, you told me about old Charlie down by the riverbank. How much will it cost to spend one night with the guy?"
His friend answers "Five hundred dollars."
"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS?? WHY IN GOD'S NAME DOES IT COST SO MUCH?"
"Well, there's two hundred for Charlie, and $100 apiece for each of the 3 guys who have to hold Charlie down. You see, old Charlie don't go for that kinda stuff either."
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| Posted by Karla Beals on 14-Aug-2005 | Spot!A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He was quite nervous about the meeting, though, and by the time he arrived punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the dinner the young man realized he couldn't hold it in one second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.
"SPOT!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog, lying at the young man's feet.
Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let another, slightly larger one go.
"Spot!" she called out sharply.
"I've got it made," thought the fellow to himself. One more and I'll feel fine. So he let loose a really big one.
"Spot!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he shits on you!"
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| Posted by Yo Mama on 14-Aug-2005 | 80 Year Old StudAn 80 year old man walks into a church and goes straight into the confessional. There he hears a voice, "Yes my son? Tell me your sins"
"Well Father", says the old man... I had sexual relations with a 17 year old girl.
"Hmmm", says the Priest. "Well, given today's lifestyles, and the fact that people are having sex at a younger age these days, I'm not too surprised.
"But Father, I'm 80 years old", says the man.
"80 years old!!!, and she is 17 ??? My goodness, well I guess things really have changed these days. Just say 3 Hail Mary's and 4 Our Fathers, and your sins will be forgiven", replies the Priest.
"I can't do that Father, you see, I'm Jewish!"
"You're Jewish?? Then why did you come in here to tell me this"? asked the Priest.
"Because Father, I'm telling EVERYBODY"!!!!!!!!!!
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