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| Posted by Thomas H. Mitchell on 13-Aug-2005 | Farmer's DaughtersOk, there's a farmer and he has 3 teenage daughters. One night around 7:30 the doorbell rings. He goes to answer the door and there is a teenage boy standing there.
Farmer: Hi. Can I help you?
Boy: Yeh... My name is Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo. We're gonna' see a show, Can she go?
Farmer: Well, of course, but she's not ready yet. You can come in and sit on the sofa and wait.
Joe goes and sits on the sofa, and about 10 minutes later the doorbell rings again. The farmer answers the door, and there's another teenage boy out on the porch.
Farmer: Hi, How can I help you?
Boy#2: Hey! My name is Eddie, and I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going to eat spaghetti, is she ready?
Farmer: No she's not but you can join Joe on the sofa.
About 5 minutes later, Joe, Flo, Eddie, and Betty all leave to go to town. Later that evening, the farmer hears tires squealing, a car door slam and footsteps running up the front stairs. The doorbell rings so he grabs his shotgun just in case something bad happens. When he opens the door, there's another teenage boy standing there and he reeks of booze.
Farmer: Let me guess, you're here to see one of my daughters.
Boy#3: Yeah... My name is Chuck....
BOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!
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| Posted by Josh Fife on 13-Aug-2005 | Hurry Up...This ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on.
Four or five days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently. The old man said,
"Sure!" The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived.
The old man said, "Sure, why?"
The doctor replied, "Well you'd better get over there, you're about to cum."
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| Posted by Kelley Norgard on 13-Aug-2005 | Old SexA little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch watching the Playboy movie channel. He looked at her and asked, "Do you think we can still do that?"
"Well, we can sure try!" she answered.
So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor.
"What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked.
"Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!
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| Posted by Destiny D. Wesley on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Surprises During John Glenn's Space Mission13. New automatic shut-off on turn signals prevents endless embarrassment.
12. Constant "Who's better -- Pearl Jam or Glenn Miller?" fights.
11. "Ask Me About My Grandchildren" sticker mysteriously appears on shuttle exterior after Senator Glenn's spacewalk.
10. Space suit re-cut to accommodate prostate swollen to grapefruit size in zero-G conditions.
9. Constantly looking at Earth from window and remarking, "Now *that* didn't used to be there."
8. "Help! I've fallen, and I can't get down!"
7. Game of "Which Golden Girl Wouldn't You Kick Out Of Bed?" decidedly less fun for some astronauts than others.
6. In space, no one can detect old man smell.
5. After taking Viagra in a zero-gravity environment, the orbiting Glenn can clearly be seen from Earth without the use of a telescope.
4. While others are on a space-walk, a confused Glenn yells out the window: "You damn kids stay outta my yard!"
3. Location of Senator Glenn's space suit belt raised to just below the arm pits.
2. Friggin' Vicks VapoRub stinks up the cabin for days.
1. Metamucil-powered "organic emergency boosters" are activated by pulling the Senator's finger.
This list copyright 1998 by Chris White
The Top 5 List www.topfive.com
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| Posted by Imfuktup Man on 13-Aug-2005 | What a Bastard...At a resort, a fellow walks up to an older fellow who is sitting in the sun, sipping iced tea.
Younger guy says - "Hey, you gonna just sit around all day? How about it if you join me for a round of golf."
"Nah," the older fellow replies, "tried it once, didn't like it."
"Well then," younger fellow asks "how about a swim? It might be just as refreshing as your iced tea there."
"Nah," the older fellow responds, "tried it once, didn't like it. But if you're game for tennis, my son will be here soon and is usually up for a game or two - you might want to play with him."
Younger fellow replies: "Your only child I presume?"
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| Posted by Lindsey M. Carrera on 13-Aug-2005 | Practice Earthquake SafetyEarthquakes can strike without warning, and being prepared for such a disaster can mean the difference between life and death. Here are some tips to help you and your loved ones make it through a quake:
~ Those living in areas not prone to earthquakes can respond quickly to the plight of disaster victims in quake zones by complacently smirking and saying, "I told you so."
~ To minimize loss and damage in a quake,try not to own things.
~ Practice your burrowing-out-from-under-40-tons-of-rubble skills ahead of time.
~ Look out your window often. If you see a large, zig-zag-shaped crevasse moving rapidly from the horizon toward your home, step either to the right or the left.
~ For those who fear earthquakes, it may comfort you to know that a majority of the damage during the 1906 San Francisco earthquake did not come from the tremors themselves. Instead, it was from the raging, out-of-control fires that consumed most of the city.
~ A doorway is the safest place to be during a quake. Eat, sleep, and work in doorways.
~ Be sure to mail your house-insurance payments a full five business days before a major earthquake strikes.
~ In the event of a quake, get under something heavy, such as a desk, a table, or your boss.
~ If you are caught in a major earthquake in Southern California and are part of the entertainment industry, take a moment or two to reflect on how grossly you've wasted your life.
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