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| Posted by deta H. van Hees on 08-Aug-2005 | FascinateA teacher wanted one of her pupils to come up with a sentence with the word fascinate in it. A girl put her hand up and said,"I went to Disneyland. It was fascinating."
"No no, I want you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating".
A boy known for his bad language put his hand up and said, "My sister??s got a shirt with 12 buttons but her tits are so big, she can only fasten eight."
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| Posted by Carla J. Hicks on 09-Aug-2005 | Ways to confuse a roommateThese are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
10. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
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| Posted by Doran m. Langley on 09-Aug-2005 | Fun things to do during an examYou should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
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| Posted by DreamJoker on 10-Aug-2005 | Toughest Final ExamInstructions
Read each question carefully. Answer all questions. Time limit: 4 hours. Begin
immediately.
History
Descrive the history of the papacy from its origins to
the present day, concentrating especially but not exclusively, on it social,
political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia,
America and Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
Medicine
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of
Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected.
You have fifteen minutes.
Public Speaking
2500 riot-crazed aboriginies are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may
use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.
Biology
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if the form
of life had developed 50 million years earlier, with special attention to its
probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.
Music
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You
will find a piano under your seat.
Psychology
Based on your knowledge of their works evaluate the emotional stability,
degree of adjustment and repressed frustrations of each of the following:
Alexander of Aphrodites, Ramses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your
evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references.
It is not necessary to translate.
Sociology
Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world.
Construct an experiment to test your theory.
Engineering
The dissassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk.
You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a
hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel
appropriate. Be prepared to justify your decision.
Economics
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible
effects of your plan in the following areas. Cubism, the Donatist controversy,
the wave theory of light. Outline a method for preventing these effects.
Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the
deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in you answer to the last
question.
Political Science
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report
at length on it socio-political effects if any.
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| Posted by Father Ted on 10-Aug-2005 | TIPS FOR SURVIVING COLLEGE* Minimize food budget by scheduling classes around Happy Hour.
* Enjoy being a Sophomore -- It will be the best three years of your life.
* Wear an athletic cup to panty raids, because it's all fun and games until
someone loses their 'nads.
* Lemon juice and baking soda make an excellent bong water stain remover.
* Earn extra cash by parlaying chemistry knowledge into lucrative "home
pharmaceuticals" business.
* If an 8:00 am class is required for your major, change your major.
* Boring lecture? Start a wave!
* College-level algebra: 5 returnable bottles = 1 delicious Ramen Noodle
dinner.
* "I Phelta Thi" is *not* a real fraternity, except at state colleges.
* Remember - almost no one complains when you puke in a dumpster.
* Clever margin manipulation can turn a 4-page outline into a 100-page senior
essay.
* Football games were never meant to be observed by sober people.
* Don't think of it as sleeping with your professor -- think of it as "acing
Biology."
* In a pinch, milk can be used as a beer substitute in your breakfast cereal.
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| Posted by Donald Little on 10-Aug-2005 | Hangover Rating System1 star hangover *
No pain. No real feeling of illness.. Your sleep last night was a mere disco
nap which is giving you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are
able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink
10 bottles of water and still feel this way. Even vegetarians are craving a
Cheeseburger and a side of fries.
2 star hangover **
Slight headache. Don't feel sick, but something is definitely amiss. You may
look okay but you have the attention span and mental capacity of a stapler. The
coffee you chug to try and remain focused is only exacerbating your rumbling
gut, which is craving a full English breakfast. Last night has wreaked havoc on
your bowels and even though you have a nice demeanor about the office, you are
costing your employer valuable money because all you really can handle is
aimlessly surfing the net and writing junk e-mails.
3 star hangover ***
Definite headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely a space cadet and
so not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds
you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the
bouncer kicked you out at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were
in your bed with a dozen donuts and a litre of coke watching Good Morning with
Richard and Judy. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 2 Sausage
Rolls and a litre of diet coke - yet you haven't peed once.
4 star hangover ****
Your head is throbbing and you can't speak too quickly or else you might honk.
You have lost the will to live. Your boss has already lambasted you for being
late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes,
but that can't hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving,
(girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars),
your teeth have sweaters, your eyes look like one big vein
and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of
Moss side secondary school circa 1976. You would give a weeks pay for one the
following: 1. Home time, 2. A duvet and somewhere to be alone, or 3. A time
machine so you could go back and NOT have gone out the night before.
5 star hangover (aka Dante's 4th Circle of Hell) *****
You have a second heartbeat in your head which is actually scaring the
employee who sits next to you. Death seems pretty good right now. You can't
focus as your eyes are scrunched up against the overpowering glare from your
computer screen Rancid vodka vapour is seeping out of every pore, staining your
shirt and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of
your mouth, at least you think it's toothpaste crust. You don't give a damn
either way. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva and your tongue is
suffocating you. You'd cry but that would take the last of the moisture left in
your body. Talking is not an option. Your boss doesn't even get mad at you and
your co-workers think that your dog just died because you look so pathetic. You
should have called in sick because all you can manage to do is breathe....very
gently.
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