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| Posted by oniyae on 09-Aug-2005 | Fast DrivingTwo men were driving down a city street, as they approach a red stop light, the man driving speeds up and drives through a red light.
Shocked, the passenger yells, "What are you doing!"
The driver just responds in a casual tone, "That's the way my brother drives."
As they continue down the street, they again came upon another red stop light and again the drive speeds through the intersection.
Again the passenger yells, "What are you doing!"
The driver says, "That's the way my brother drives".
Not too long after that, they came upon a green light.
The driver quickly slams on his breaks and comes to a complete stop just before the intersection.
The angry passenger screams, "It's a green light!"
The driver says, "Yes, but my brother might be coming the other way!"
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| Posted by The One on 09-Aug-2005 | Hot Car!You Know Your Car Is Overly Hot When...
10. Scientists dressed in radiation suits are probing your car.
9. Your car develops a shroud of fog when it rains, and is perfectly dry when the rain stops.
8. Your car has a nasty glare from the sun, even at night.
7. You keep finding Cornish game hens freshly roasted on the hood of your car, with a complement of various birds and roasted vegetables on your trunk.
6. Your car spontaneously combusts when you open the door.
5. You spy your co-workers taking a sauna inside your car during lunch break.
4. Your car horn is no longer that deep trucker's horn it once was, but now sounds like a dry rasping wheeze.
3. You could host a barbecue on your dashboard.
2. The police officer attempts to put a ticket on your car, and the ticket burns up as soon as it touches the windshield.
1. The CD hanging from your mirror shrivels like a Shrinky-dink within 10 minutes after you park your car!
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| Posted by Sam Binstead on 09-Aug-2005 | Driving OffenceA man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place....
The man says "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80. [Man gives his wife a dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. [Man gives his wife another dirty look.]
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"
Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."
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| Posted by Joe Mama on 09-Aug-2005 | Truckers BluesA truck driver is cruising along when he spots a little yellow man standing in the middle of the road, crying.
He brings the truck to a standstill, rolls down the window and asks the little man what's wrong.
"I'm yellow, I'm from Venus, I'm gay and I'm hungry," sobs the little man.
"Well," says the trucker, "I can offer you a sandwich, but that's as much as I can do."
So he passes a sandwich to the little man and drives off. A while later, he has to stop again because there's a little red man in the middle of the road, crying. So he comes to a halt, rolls down the window and a bit more impatiently - asks the little man what the matter is.
"I'm red, I'm from Mars, I'm gay and I'm thirsty," the little man bawls.
So the trucker says, "I can offer you a can of Coke, but that's as much as I can do."
He hands a can of Coke down to the little man and drives off. A little further on, the trucker spots a little blue man in the middle of the road.
Really annoyed now, he stops, rolls down the window and snaps, "Yes, you silly little blue moffie, what fucking planet are you from and what do you want?"
The little man answers, "Your driver's licence, please ....."
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| Posted by Justin Babineau on 09-Aug-2005 | One Parachute LeftYou are one of three people on a malfunctioning aeroplane with only one parachute. How would you react?
Pessimist: You refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.
Optimist: You refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before.
Procrastinator: You play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
Bureaucrat: You order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.
Computer Scientist: You design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.
Mathematician: You refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.
Engineer: You make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.
Psychoanalyst: You ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.
Doctor: You tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.
Lawyer: You charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
Judge: After reminding them of their constitutional right to have a parachute, you take it and jump out.
Economist: Your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute, as the free market will take care of the other person.
Statistician: You plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.
IRS auditor: You confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.
Manager: As you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard and not expect handouts.
Consultant: You tell them not to worry, since it won't take you long to learn how to fix a plane.
Salesperson: You sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.
Advertiser: you do a sexy dance while singing that what they need is a neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.
Philosopher: You ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
Teacher: You give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.
English major: You explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.
Comparative Literature major: You read the parachute instructions in all four languages.
Dramatist: You tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
Modern Painter: You hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
Auto Mechanic: As long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.
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| Posted by Yo Man on 09-Aug-2005 | Speeding TicketA man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch 'em all?"
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