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| Posted by Jesi Lucjak on 09-Aug-2005 | Feeding A GorillaThere was a man that owned a giant gorilla and for all of its life, he'd never left it on its own. But eventually he had to go on a business trip and had to leave his gorilla in the care of his next-door neighbor. So he explained to his neighbor that all he had to do was feed his gorilla three bananas a day at three, six and nine o'clock. But he was never ever, ever to touch its fur.
So the next day the man came and gave the gorilla a banana and looked at it for a while thinking, "Why can't I touch its fur?" as there didn't seem to be anything wrong with it. Every day he came in and looked for a little while longer as he still couldn??™t understand until, about a week later, he??™d worked himself into a frenzy and decided that he was going to touch the gorilla.
He passed it the banana and very gently brushed the back of his hand against its fur. Suddenly the gorilla went ape wild and started to jump around, then it turned and began running towards the man who, in turn, ran through the front door, over the lawn, across the street, into some one else??™s sports car and drove off. In the rear-view mirror, he could see the gorilla in its own sports car, driving right behind him. He drove for two hours until the engine began to splutter and the car just stopped. He jumped out and began to run down the street, over a brick wall, into someone's front garden and up the apple tree.
He turned around to find the gorilla right behind him beating its chest. The man jumped down and ran back in to the street screaming, until it became dark and he thought he'd lost the gorilla. The man ran into an alley-way, then, suddenly, he saw a giant shadow coming down the street ahead. The gorilla! It came to the end of the alley, stood and looked straight into the bloodshot eyes of the man and came towards him slowly. This time there was no escape.
As the gorilla neared him, the man began to feel faint. The giant beast came face to face with him, raised its mighty hand and said, "Tag! You??™re it!"
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| Posted by Wes Bundy on 09-Aug-2005 | Tardy PupilA college business professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week.
Before class ended he went around the room asking students some questions about the day's lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil.
"And Mr Reebs, would you be so kind as to tell us who it was that developed the theories behind communism?" the professor asked. "I don't know," said the student.
"Well, perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Reebs, you would know," said the professor.
"That's not true," the student protested. "I never pay attention anyway!"
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| Posted by Dan Smee on 09-Aug-2005 | Lollipop LineThe cops raided the local brothel and had all the girls standing in line waiting to enter the paddy wagon.
A little old lady walked up and asked one of the girls what the line was for. She indicated they were giving out lollipops. The little old lady liked lollipops so she got in line too.
When she got up to the paddy wagon door, a cop said, "Hey grandma, aren't you a little old to be doing this?" She replied, "As long as they keep making them, I'll keep sucking them."
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| Posted by Aaron D. Fredrick on 09-Aug-2005 | Betting Old LadyA little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money.
She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money.
They finally get her into the president's office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk.
The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lady says, "I make bets".
The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square". "Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet".
The old lady says, "So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"
The little old lady says "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it Ok with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?"
"Sure" says the president.
That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls. Turning from side to side, again and again, thoroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet.
The next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square.
The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see.
The president does this.
The little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them. "Well, OK" says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure".
Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady , "What is wrong with your lawyer?"
She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hands!"
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| Posted by Beena Hechter on 09-Aug-2005 | Telling Off The MaidMrs. Abercrombie was unhappy with the way Elena the maid cleaned. Finding a layer of dust on the dining room table, she started to chew out the maid.
Elena defending herself said, "I'm a better cook than you, I clean house better than you."
"Who told you that???¦ Mr. Abercrombie? Mrs. Abercrombie snapped.
"I'm even better in bed than you!", Elena proudly stated
Mrs. Abercrombie sneered and said, "I suppose my husband told you that too."
"No Mrs. Abercombie??¦ The gardener did!"
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| Posted by christine margolis on 09-Aug-2005 | I can Fly !Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear", she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted!"
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