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| Posted by chatty girl on 10-Aug-2005 | Fishing For a SaleA keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In
fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The
boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
Yes, I was a salesman in the country,??? said the lad. The boss liked the cut of
him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close
up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock
came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make
today?"
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one?" blurted the boss, "most of my staff makes 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook,
then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small
fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going
fishing and he said down the coast.
I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat
department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he
said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the
car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to
a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife
and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing."
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| Posted by Hoochie on 10-Aug-2005 | The "Finger"THE HISTORICAL ORIGIN OF "THE FINGER"
This is not meant to be crude. It is strictly for your edification and
enjoyment.
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over
the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English
soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned
English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.
This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of
drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew." Much to the bewilderment of
the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving
their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck
yew! PLUCK YEW!"
Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic
gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like "pleasant mother
pheasant pluckier", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the
arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has
gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative 'F', and thus the words often used
in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have
something to do with an intimate encounter.
It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic
gesture is known as "giving the bird."
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| Posted by S Patel on 10-Aug-2005 | List of Short Books1)A Guide to Arab Democracies.
2)A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman.
3)Amelia Ear hart??™s Guide to the Pacific Ocean.
4)Career Opportunities for History Majors.
5)Contraception by Pope John Paul II.
6)Detroit - A Travel Guide.
7)Different Ways to Spell "Bob".
8)Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches.
9)Easy UNIX.
10)Bulgarian Tips on World Dominance.
11)Everything Men Know About Women.
12)French Hospitality.
13)Bob Dole: The Wild Years.
14)How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel.
15)Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette.
17)Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA.
18)Popular Lawyers.
19)Staple Your Way to Success.
20)The Amish Phone Book.
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| Posted by Kristian J. Mercer on 10-Aug-2005 | Bumper Stickers IIIWho lit the fuse on your tampon?
Support Cannibalism ??” EAT ME!
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
Keep honking while I reload.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
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| Posted by pink_sparkle on 10-Aug-2005 | WINDERS 98MICROSOFT NEWS RELEASE:
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Georgia edition of
Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside Georgia. If you have one
of the Georgia editions you may need some help understanding the commands.
Looking at the opening screen may recognize the Georgia edition.
It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of the General Lee super imposed
on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.
Also note:
Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard
Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive
Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.
Other features:
Instead of an error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and
duct tape.
OK = ats aww-right
cancel = hail no
reset = awa shoot
yes = shore
no = Naaaa
find = hunt-fer it
go to = over yonder
back = back yonder
help = hep me out here
stop = ternit off
start = crank it up
settings = sittins
programs = stuff that does stuff
documents = stuff I done done
Also note that winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punctuation
marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to winders 98:
tiperiter................A word processor
colering book............a graphics program
addin mershene...........calculator
scratch paper ...........notepad
jupe-box ................CD Player
inner-net................Microsoft Explorer
pichers..................A graphics viewer
IRS......................M/S accounting software
IRS2.....................M/S accounting software with hidden files
coon dog.................American kennel club records
fishin...................Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records.
NRA......................National Rifle Association
shot gun ................Remington Arms price list
riffel...................Winchester price list
pisstel..................Smith & Wesson price list
truck....................Ford & Chevrolet dealers in GA. by zip code
house....................Nearest Mobil home repair service by zip code
car .....................same as truck, just need two lists in Texas
cuzzins..................family history usually a 3 meg file
tax records..............usually an empty file
shells...................ammunition inventory, another 3 meg file
bud......................list of Budwiser dealers by zip code
racin....................NASCAR racing schedule includes list of TV stations
that carry the race car n' truck
Parts.......nearest Junk yard by zip code
doc .....................veterinarians by zip code
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy of the
Georgia edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
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| Posted by chad t. colarelli on 10-Aug-2005 | U. Michigan/Ohio Statean ohio state university mortician student walked into the embalming room
where a cadaver was lying on the table. confident that he knew enough now to
begin the procedure without his instructor, he began to examine the body. when
he rolled it over he was shocked to see a cork in the man's butt. mystified, he
pulled out the cork and immediately heard the university of michigan fight song
come out of the guy's butt. shaken by what had happened he quickly shoved the
cork back into its original resting place.
he then ran to get his instructor, nervously shouting, "sir, you must come,
you won't believe what i discovered!"
annoyed by the interruption, he said, "let's take a look at this astounding
discovery."
when they entered the morgue, the teacher was also surprised to
see the cork, so he approached the table and promptly removed the cork. upon
hearing the university of michigan fight song he quickly replaced the cork in
the cadavers butt and said, "what's so surprising about that? i've heard
thousands of a******* sing that song!"
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