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| Posted by K F on 09-Aug-2005 | Fishing FriendsTwo friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One said to his friend, "mark this spot so that we can come here tomorrow."
The next day when they were driving to rent the boat, the same one said, "did you mark that spot?"
His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."
The first one said, "You fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"
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| Posted by katy m on 09-Aug-2005 | DepositA little old lady entered the main branch of a large downtown bank with a large grocery bag in her arms.
She told the teller that she wanted to open an account to make a substantial deposit, in excess of $200,000.
Further, she said that since such a large sum was involved, she would deal only with the president of the bank to make the necessary arrangements.
The teller looked in the bag and confirmed that it was, in fact, full of cash. He called upstairs and explained the situation to the bank president, who agreed to see the woman.
The teller escorted her to the presidents office, and the president invited her to have a seat, which she accepted.
She repeated her request to open an account. The president said he would take care of it personally, but his curiosity was killing him.
He said, "Mind if I ask how you happened to come into such a large sum of cash?"
"Not at all," was her reply.
"I bet."
"You bet?" he countered.
"At the racetrack, or on professional sports, or in casinos...?"
"Nothing like that," she said.
"I just ... bet. For example, I'll bet you $50,000 that by tomorrow morning your balls will be square."
The president chuckled but, seeing that the lady had the funds to back up such a wild bet, agreed.
They shook hands on it, and she promised to return at nine the next morning to follow up, and left.
As the day wore on, the president found himself frequently checking to make sure that all was in order. It was, but just as a precaution he cancelled his regular Tuesday-afternoon golf match and went home early.
The next morning when he showered, he was actually quite relieved to find that nothing had changed drastically while he slept.
He confidently headed for the bank, laughing all the way at the unexpected windfall that was about to become his.
The little old lady showed up promptly at the appointed hour, accompanied by a young man. When the president asked who he was, she replied that he was her lawyer, who she always brought along when payoffs involving significant sums were involved.
The president told her that sorry, she had lost that particular bet, so the funds would be outgoing rather than incoming.
She insisted on examining the evidence for herself, considering the amount at stake. He deemed it a reasonable request under the circumstances, so he stood up, unbuckled his belt and dropped his pants.
She proceeded to closely inspect his jewels for any abnormalities. As she did, the president noticed that her lawyer was standing in the corner, banging his head against the wall. He asked the lady, "What's the matter with him?"
She paused her inspection long enough to glance at the lawyer and replied,
"Oh, him. I bet him $250,000 that before ten A.M. today I'd have the president of the bank by the balls."
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| Posted by K T. C on 09-Aug-2005 | Calcium ResearchResearchers released a list of foods and activities to help combat osteoporosis, the dread disorder that leaches calcium from the bones as people age.
The distinguished lead scientist mounts the podium to make his announcement and gives the highlights of the list. To no one's surprise, broccoli and cauliflower are there, and the researchers also encourage regular exercise, such as walking, running, cycling or swimming to prevent calcium loss from the bones.
But, one reporter, reading ahead, shouts from the front row, "You've got kissing on the list as a way to prevent osteoporosis! There isn't any calcium in a kiss!"
The scientist replied calmly, "In a good kiss, there's enough calcium to make a bone about 6 inches long."
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| Posted by Ashley L. Haag on 09-Aug-2005 | New Political PartieA lot of voters are getting a little bored with the 2-party system. Even the Reform Party and the Libertarian Party aren't making much of a showing this year. So the editors at Shagmail have created a list of the Top Ten independent political parties we'd like to see.
10. The Crack Party... We're split down the middle.
9. The Mouth Party... And you're invited to cum.
9. The Gay/NRA Party... We're here, we're queer. YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT?
7. The Pity Party... C'mon, we never win anything. Vote for us once, will ya?
6. The Private Party... No comment.
5. The Cocktail Party... Cock and Tail - does it get any better than this?
4. The Search Party... Looking for members.
3. The Keg Party... Dude, we could so totally run the country.
2. Non-partisan party... We believe in what you believe in.
And the number 1 independent political party we'd like to see:
1. The Beaver Party... Oh, forget it - we've already got Bush.
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| Posted by dawn whispers on 09-Aug-2005 | Furniture Store PricA woman was shopping in a furniture store for a new mattress. As she bent over to examine the tenth mattress she had considered, she suddenly let out a horrendous fart.
"Excuse me," she said, embarrassed, to the clerk who was helping her.
"Heck, I'm used to it, lady," he said.
"When you see the price on that one, your gonna shit!"
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| Posted by Paul S. Morette on 09-Aug-2005 | Kiss Me, Doc!A woman is in her doctor's office, and suddenly shouts out "Doctor, kiss me!"
The Doctor looks at her and says "It's against the code of ethics to kiss you."
About 20 minutes later the woman again shouts out "Doctor, please, kiss me just once!"
Again he refuses, apologetically, and says "As a doctor I simply cannot kiss you."
Finally, another 15 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with her doctor; "Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!"
"Look" he says, "I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be screwing you."
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