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| Posted by anthony barrios on 11-Aug-2005 | FishingTony and Harold, two avid fisherman and well-known drunks, were out in a boat on their favorite lake one day drowning some worms and polishing off some brews.
Suddenly, Tony got what he thought was a nibble.
Reeling it in he found a bottle with a cork in it.
Naturally curious, he uncorked the bottle and a large genie appeared.
The genie said " I will grant you one wish." Tony thought for a second and said " I wish this whole lake was beer."
Poof! His wish came true. The lake was now filled with their favorite brew. Harold looked at Tony in disgust and said " You asshole, now we have to piss in the boat."
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| Posted by Rambo U. Thirtythree on 10-Aug-2005 | Confucius sayConfucius say that baseball very funny game; man can walk on 4 balls.
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| Posted by Danelle L. Sandella on 10-Aug-2005 | THE HUNTING TRIPIt was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the
first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee,
and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in
camouflage.
Jake asks her, "What are you up to?"
Alice smiles, "I'm going hunting with you!"
Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take
her along.
Later they arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the
tree stand and tells her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll
come running back as soon as I hear the shot."
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an
elephant... much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he
hears an array of gunshots.
Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears
Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"
Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her
yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a
cowboy, with his hands high in the air.
The cowboy, obviously distraught, says: "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have
your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!"
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| Posted by SmarteeS11 on 10-Aug-2005 | CHANGES IN A GOVERNMENT RUN BY PRO WRESTLERS* Driving your fellow Congressman into the turnbuckle now considered
acceptable method of ending a filibuster.
* President now shouts entire State of the Union address with his face 18
inches from TV camera.
* IRS audit replaced by more efficient reverse body slam onto enema.
* Government becomes a charade of meaningless noises and lots of posturing by
a bunch of inarticulate losers with no class or manners - Hey, wait a minute...
* Free school lunches destined for the needy instead go to the biggest,
meanest, stupidest kid in each school.
* Sex scandals now involve even skankier women.
* January 20: Inauguration ceremonies. January 21: FDA approves
over-the-counter sale of steroids Newt Gingrich is finally able to wear his mask
and cape out of the house.
* During House debate, it is acceptable to yield to the gentleman wielding a
folding chair.
* Difficult finding interns willing to accommodate an entire pouch of Skoal.
* Strom Thurmond *finally* removed by The Undertaker.
* Line to bodyslam Ken Starr winds around Lincoln Memorial.
* Before: Mr. Vice President.
After: Stone Cold Al Gore .
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| Posted by kaitlyn on 10-Aug-2005 | YOU MIGHT ENJOY WRESTLING TOO MUCH IF...* When you go to a Japanese restaurant, you start a "USA! USA!" chant.
* When you girlfriend dumps you, you tell her she couldn't "play with the big
boys," and that she will never get past mid-card status.
* When you search and search the bible for the book of Austin.
* If you can actually remember Sting's last public words.
* If on a job application, you state your residence as "parts unknown."
* If you quit your Job because you have to find your "Smile."
* When you're getting beat up in a bar fight, but you honestly believe that
with a little crowd support, you can turn this thing around.
* If you hit your co-worker in head with a chair while your manager is
distracting him.
* When you look for Sting on the back of the milk carton during breakfast.
* When a guy steals your girl, you consider it an angle.
* When you rack your neighbor's dog.
* When you attend a graduation, and yell "Ooooooh yeah!" when 'Pomp and
Circumstance' plays.
* When you are involved in a bar fight with a guy twice your size and you
think your best line of attack is putting the Tongan death grip on him.
* When you put up your wife or girlfriend up in a card game for 30 days if you
lose.
* When you go to a dance and start dancing like Alex Wright.
* You watch car racing in order to see Bob "sparkplug" Holly
* When you wear your Macho Man foam hat out in public.
* When you win an award and immediately spray paint "nWo" on it.
* When you rate women on a scale of Chyna to Sunny.
* When you begin to shake someone's hand in public but then hesitate to look
for the crowd's response.
* When you get into a real fight and you blade.
* When you do heel turns on your best friends for no reason.
* If whenever you walk into a party you tell them to "cut the music."
* When anytime anybody asks you a question, you "grab the mike" and yell,
"MEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAN GEEEEEEEEEEEEEENEE!"
* When you die you mustache blond while leaving your beard black.
* If you keep waiting for run-ins during boxing matches.
* After an argument with a friend, you shake hands, hug each other and then
after you raise both yours and your friend's arms in the air, as he looks to the
side, you clothesline him.
* If you think John the Baptist Bladed.
* If you wonder why Bob Backlund's campaign for the presidency never got any
press.
* If you carry a foreign object in your underwear.
* When you go into work you insult everyone you see just to draw heat.
* If you're a Honky Tonk Man impersonator instead of an Elvis impersonator.
* If you wore spiked shoulder pads during a football game.
* If you loose a job, you change your look and name before starting a new
one.
* If you find out that you have been fired by calling up the company's
hotline.
* If you purposely blade yourself while shaving.
* If you suspect your best friend is just setting you up for a heel turn.
* When before a fight, you give away a pair of sunglasses to a kid.
* When you go to a funeral and assume that the deceased just lost a Casket
Match.
* When your king-size bed has ropes and turnbuckles surrounding it.
* If you paint your face and don't speak to your co-workers
* When you go to your daughter's softball game and start a "we want blood"
chant.
* If you get into an argument with a friend at work and challenge him to
a loser must retire match.
* When you see a fight in the streets and call the moves.
* If at a ceremony at your work to give out awards to the employee of the
year, you "turn" and slam a chair across the recipient of the award's
head...then you immediately grab the mic and start talking about how YOU
deserved the award.
* If you refer to all the women in your work area your valets.
* When you keep flour in your underpants (just in case).
* If you refer to The New York Times and The Wall Street Journal as rag
sheets.
* If you wondered why Vince didn't borrow money from Ted DiBiase to
prevent WCW from "buying" its wrestlers.
* You start every sentence with the words "Well, ya know, Mean Gene..." or
"Let me tell ya something..."
* You refer to everyone you talk to as "brother."
* Every time you see someone yawning, you get an uncontrollable urge to thrust
your fingers down their throat and screech uncontrollably.
* Your children are named Crippler, Hitman, and Hollywood.
* You get hoarse on purpose so you can sound like the Macho Man.
* You hold a wrestling tournament for an aluminum foil belt.
* You constantly play really bad air guitar on your foil belt that you cheated
to win.
* On Halloween, you pull a Jericho and steal all the trick-or-treaters' masks
and then claim them as "prizes."
* You get kicked off the school wrestling team for choke slamming your
opponent.
* You cried when the Giant went nWo.
* You took bagpipe lessons just so you could play Roddy Piper's theme music.
* You get in fights with people who say wrestling is fake.
* You fenced in your bed, so it feels like being in a steel cage.
* You throw your VCR away when you can't find Rick Steiner on your copy of
"Gremlins."
* Your best friend is a microphone.
* After your parents ground you for a week, you refer to them as "heels."
* You try to write to the admissions office at S.C.U.
* You dress your dog up as a "Hulkamaniac."
* You use the phrase "Too Sweet" more than 45 times daily.
* You try to impress your friends by telling them Bobby Heenan jokes.
* You honestly believe that "TBS" stands for "The Brain Station."
* You think "No Holds Barred" should win an Oscar.
* Your greatest accomplishment in life is mastering the sleeper hold.
* You roped in your backyard and you get together with friends to throw chairs
around.
* You requested "3:16" as your new license plate.
* You think a tilt-a-whirl looks fun.
* You think that The Giant is a "sissy."
* You put white-out on the faces of your action figures, and then draw black
marks on their faces.
* You give crotch chops to the opposing team during a softball game.
* You feel sorry for jobbers.
* You light your bed on fire and fight your brother in it.
* Your teacher gives you detention, you give them a Stone Cold Stunner and
walk out of class, flashing your middle fingers.
* You leapfrog over people while playing football, then you turn around and
clothesline them.
* You publish a shirt that say's, "Jay Leno 1-0 Who's Next?"
* Every time you sit down at a table you consider how easily it might break if
you were to moonsault it.
* You constantly deny that Brian Christopher is your son.
* After you beat someone up, you spray paint their back.
* You chokeslam your cat.
* You elbow smash your dog and turn him/her over for the three counts.
* Instead of reading a bedtime story to your kids, you put them in a sleeper.
* When you put your kids to bed, you tell them to "Rest In Peace."
* You get fired from work then show up the next day wearing a mask.
* Instead of opening a can of tuna you open up a can of whoop ass on your
cat.
* In the school cafeteria, you come up behind a kid and hit him with a
chair and look around for crowd responses.
* You walk down the aisle at a church giving high fives as the people hold up
signs and chant your name.
* You won't come out of your room until your parents play your theme on the
radio.
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| Posted by Lisa M. Allen on 10-Aug-2005 | H I J K L M N OThere was a football coach that had a player on his team that was a bit low.
The Dean told him that if the player could learn the formula for water, then he
would be allowed to play in the big game.
The day of the big game came and the Dean called the player into his office
and asked him to recite the formula for water. The player grinned real big and
said, "H I J K L M N O."
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| Posted by NY on 10-Aug-2005 | She's much betterA college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders. The coach
said, "You're such a big guy--why did you marry such a petite woman? She's no
bigger than your hand."
"That's right, Coach," replied the lineman, "but she's much better!"
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| Posted by Mr HaHa Man on 10-Aug-2005 | Just the reflectionFour women were out on the golf course, when one pointed out a white blur
approaching from a distance.. As it grew closer, they could see it was a
streaker drawing near.. As the nude guy ran past the women one said, "My golly,
which is that? Was that Dick Green??"
Another answered, "I don't think so. I think it was just the reflection."
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| Posted by Mark on 10-Aug-2005 | We'll take their timeManager: "I'm sorry. Sir, we have no time opened on the course today."
Golfer: "Wait a minute, what if Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus showed up? I'm
sure you'd find a starting time for them."
Manager: "Of course we would, sir."
Golfer: "Well, I happen to know they're not coming, so we'll take their time."
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| Posted by The king of hitz on 10-Aug-2005 | Rake in the bunkerA man said to his golfing friend, "I hit two of my best balls yesterday!"
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, I stepped on a rake in the bunker."
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| Posted by NoraLora on 10-Aug-2005 | Golf courseA Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an
interfaith meeting. The Jew, bragging on his virility said, "I have four sons.
One more and I'll have a basketball team."
The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing! I
have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."
The Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more
and I'll have a golf course."
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| Posted by Bob LobLaw on 10-Aug-2005 | The worst golf playerThe worst golf player in history must have been Adolf Hitler.
He never got out of the bunker.
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| Posted by KissyFace on 10-Aug-2005 | A good driverWhat does Tiger Woods have that Princess Di didn't?
A good driver. (I know...very bad taste!)
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| Posted by Laura Nowicki on 10-Aug-2005 | Olympic teamWhy doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim is already in the U.S.
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| Posted by Matt Freeman on 10-Aug-2005 | THE PESSIMISTAn avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended
when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck.
Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature,
and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a
flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and
jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across
the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet.
The friend saw everything but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything
unusual about my new dog?"
I sure did," responded his friend. "He can't swim.
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| Posted by Crazy Chick on 10-Aug-2005 | OH-LADY-HOOThree hunters decided if they got separated or lost, they would use the
yodeling cry "oh-lady-hoo" to help locate each other. One hunter got lost and
yelled "oh-lady-hoo" until he was hoarse but to no avail.
When it began to get dark, he gave up trying to find his friends, saw light at
a nearby farmhouse, knocked on the front door and asked the farmer if he could
stay the night.
"No problem," he said, "I've got a spare room you're welcome to use."
Toward morning, the hunter was awakened by the farmer's young daughter as she
slipped into his bed. In no time at all they were going at it hot and heavy and
in a few minutes she had an orgasm. Her cries of ecstasy soon brought an angry
father into the bedroom.
He had a loaded shotgun and said to the hunter, "You better get dressed real
fast 'cause you and me are going down to the barnyard to see if you can haul ass
fast enough to outrun a load of buckshot!"
As soon as they reached the barnyard, the frightened hunter took off like a
scalded cat, jumped high in the air to clear the barnyard fence, thought of his
missing friends, yelled "oh-lady-hoo" and instantly received a full load of
buckshot in his rear end.
As he lay on the ground bleeding profusely, the farmer walked up and said, "I
know my daughter pretty well and had my mind halfway made up not to shoot. But,
when you yelled, 'I got the old lady too,' that changed my mind real quick."
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| Posted by Scott Mcrae on 10-Aug-2005 | Sports Is A DragOur [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the
maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in
case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty
good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no way to know for
sure
because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging over
from, say, right field, to deal with it. She's been on the team for three
seasons now, but the males still don't trust her. They know, deep in their
souls, that if she had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she
probably would elect to save the infant's life, without ever considering
whether there were men on base. - Dave Barry, "Sports Is A Drag"
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| Posted by super p. man on 10-Aug-2005 | For Pete's sake, runA small social club was trying to organize a baseball team. They could only
muster eight players, but were hard put to find a ninth. In desperation, they
called on a new member, an Englishman, to join their team.
During their first game, the Englishman came to bat. On the first pitch, he
knocked the ball out of the park.
"Run!" his teammates cried. "For Pete's sake, run!"
The Brit turned and stared at them icily. "I jolly well shan't run," he
replied. "Why should I? I'm perfectly willing to buy you chaps another ball."
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| Posted by Justin Andre on 10-Aug-2005 | Ever thrown out by a hareThis story was related by a baseball announcer, who attributed it to
HonusWagner.
Way back when Honus played, they didn't have stadium lights and
when it got dark, you couldn't see what you were doing very well.One time, he
was playing in the outfield and the ball was hit his way, but he just lost it in
the darkness. Fortunately, a rabbit was running by at the time and he grabbed
it and threw it to first for the out.This was the very first time anyone was
ever thrown out by a hare.
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| Posted by Apple Jack on 10-Aug-2005 | Babe RootWhat do you get when you cross a tree with a baseball player?
Babe Root.
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| Posted by jeessejames on 10-Aug-2005 | Cowboys playThe Dallas newspapers reported yesterday that Texas Stadium is going to take
out the artificial turf because the Cowboys play better on "grass".
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| Posted by Box Turtle on 10-Aug-2005 | EuropeA baseball player is sitting on the bench along with the coach. Suddenly,
the
coach starts saying, "Germany, Italy, Spain, Britain." The guy looks at
him and
says, "Huh?" to which the coach replies... "Europe!"
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| Posted by Dave Kozlowsky on 10-Aug-2005 | Baseball and LawWhat is the difference between baseball and law?
In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
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| Posted by CuTiE BaBiE on 10-Aug-2005 | Right after the National AnthemA rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have
a talk with him. "I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw.
"You always lose control at the same point in every game."
"When is that?"
"Right after the National Anthem."
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| Posted by Michelle Bowery on 10-Aug-2005 | Giant FansWhy is it so windy at Candlestick Park? (Home of the San Francisco Giants)
Because of all the Giant Fans!
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| Posted by Kitty Devil on 10-Aug-2005 | 2 FOR 1A man decided to buy a new telescope for his rifle as hunting season was about
to start. He goes to a rifle shop and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you
can see my house all the way up on that hill." The man takes a look through the
scope and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.
"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house," the man
replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man and looks at his house. Then he
hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this
scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and
shoot the guy's dick off."
The man takes another look through the scope, and says, "You know what? I
think I can do that with one shot!"
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| Posted by Marlene R. Ehlers on 10-Aug-2005 | DIARY OF A DEER HUNTER1:00 AM: Alarm clock rings.
2:00 AM: Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.
2:30 AM: Throw everything except kitchen sink into pickup.
3:00 AM: Leave for deep woods.
3:15 AM: Drive back home to pick up gun.
3:30 AM: Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.
4:00 AM: Set up camp. Forgot the stupid tent.
4:30 AM: Head for the woods.
6:05 AM: See eight deer.
6:06 AM: Take aim and squeeze trigger.
6:07 AM: CLICK.
6:08 AM: Load gun while watching deer go over hill.
8:00 AM: Head back to camp.
9:00 AM: Still looking for camp.
10:00 AM: Realize that you don't know where camp is.
NOON : Fire gun for help---eat wild berries.
2:15 PM: Run out of bullets---eight deer come back.
2:20 PM: Strange feeling in stomach.
2:30 PM: Realize that you ate poison berries.
2:45 PM: Rescued.
2:55 PM: Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped, throw up instead.
3:15 PM: Arrive back at camp.
3:30 PM: Leave camp to kill deer.
4:00 PM: Return to camp for bullets.
4:01 PM: Load gun---leave camp again.
5:00 PM: Empty gun on bug that is bugging you.
6:00 PM: Arrive at camp -- see deer grazing.
6:01 PM: Load gun.
6:02 PM: Fire gun.
6:03 PM: One dead pickup.
6:05 PM: Hunting partners arrive in camp dragging deer.
6:06 PM: Repress desire to shoot hunting partners.
6:07 PM: Fall into fire.
6:10 PM: Change clothing, throw burned ones in fire.
6:15 PM: Take pickup, leave hunting partners and deer in camp.
6:25 PM: Pickup boils over due to hole shot in block.
6:26 PM: Start walking.
6:30 PM: Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud.
6:35 PM: Meet bear.
6:36 PM: Take aim.
6:37 PM: Fire gun, blow up barrel that's plugged with mud.
6:38 PM: Mess pants.
6:39 PM: Climb tree.
11:00 PM: Bear leaves. Wrap gun around tree.
Midnight: Home at last. Fall on knees thanking Maker.
Next day: Watch football game on TV, slowly tearing up hunting license into
small pieces, place in envelope, and mail to Game Warden.
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| Posted by Ivan Borka on 10-Aug-2005 | TWO BEAR HUNTERSTwo men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out
looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running
for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him
with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell
flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into
the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You
skin this one while I go and get another one!"
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| Posted by anna hindu on 10-Aug-2005 | Amish waterWhy don't the Amish water ski?
The horses would drown.
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| Posted by Dr.16 on 10-Aug-2005 | Bad golfer and a bad skydiverwhat's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
bad golfer: whack! "s***!"
bad skydiver: "s***!!" whack!!
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