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| Posted by Joe Mom on 13-Aug-2005 | Five least popular holiday gifts1)I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, The Board Game
2)Jimmy Dean's Pork Log O' Fun
3)The Chia Coat
4)"Miracle Grow, Your Lawn and You" a 14 hour video perspective
5)Pepper Spray Flavored Silly String
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| Posted by Jen Z on 13-Aug-2005 | Bah Humbug ChristmasT'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works
I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money
And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!
If you think that's bad...just picture this
Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile..the parents think I'm weird
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason
I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!!
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| Posted by Jermy on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 15 Rejected Christmas Movie Titles15. "Miracle and a Quickie on 42nd Street -- A Times Square Christmas"
14. Spike Lee's "Get On the Sleigh"
13. Van Damme IS "Santa Claude"
12. Michael Jackson stars in "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas"
11. "The Deep II -- A Chappaquiddick Holiday with Uncle Ted"
10. "There's No Santa Claus, Charlie Brown"
9. The spoiled brats ask for the moon and Santa delivers, in "Naked Buns II"
8. Mickey Rooney & Andy Rooney in "Grumpy Old Elves"
7. Ross Perot as the autistic elf in "Reindeer Man" ("Of course, I'd be an excellent President.")
6. "It's a Wonderful Life, My Ass -- Pass the Malt Liquor"
5. Steven Segal IS "MissleToe"
4. Jane Fonda, Julia Roberts and Elizabeth Shue in "Ho, Ho, Ho!"
3. He's got a red nose and an Uzi. And he's about to teach them some "new" reindeer games in "Rudolph II -- First Blood"
2. "Blazing Saddles 2 -- How the Stench Stole Christmas"
1. "No, YOU Open It!" -- 'A Ted Kaczynski Christmas'
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():holiday jokes (333): The Top 16 Things TopFive Contributors Have to Be Thankful For |
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| Posted by Dennis L. Spencer on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 16 Things TopFive Contributors Have to Be Thankful For16> Auto mechanics who don't ask how the barbecue sauce got into my engine oil.
15> Suppression of our e-mail addresses means we're not constantly inundated by messages from humor-starved supermodels.
14> After memorizing those funny hurricane names, I'm always the life of the party!
13> Despite the revenue hit Chris has taken with the drop in Internet advertising, he still only charges us $2,500 a year to be contributors.
12> We only need to be half as funny as the Top Ten writers.
11> If it weren't for TopFive, I would never get laid. Come to think of it, I never get laid anyway, but at least with TopFive, I can hold on to the false hope.
10> That all the dates from hell I endure will make a great chapter in my eventual VH-1 biography.
9> At long last, the glorious return of Alf to television!
8> Soft summer rains, the musical laugh of a child... and Britney Spears getting sluttier by the minute.
7> With all the valuable skills I'm learning, one day I, too, might become President of the United States.
6> The Statute of Limitations.
5> Well, you know that feeling of exhilaration combined with relief that you get when you pop a big fat zit?
4> Mom's three jobs and arthritis won't stop her from cooking up a 27-course feast and serving it to me on the couch so I don't have to miss any football.
3> J.Lo took that needy, clingy Ben Affleck off my hands.
2> Chris always fixes hour spelling, grammer and punctuation so, we dont look stupid.
1> I'm thankful that I live in a great nation where I can still disagree with the government without fear of the Homeland Security DepartIPpa*)#^%#8000 NO CARRIER
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| Posted by julio on 14-Aug-2005 | Female ReindeerAccording to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.
Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them - from Rudolph to Blitzen - had to be a girl.
We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
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| Posted by Max Margulies on 14-Aug-2005 | New Year's Resolutions - 1996 EditionNew Year's Resolutions.
I have faithfully made such resolutions in the past, and while I haven't been able to keep all of them, I have tried my best to continue making progress on them year after year. Following is my revised list of "New Year's Resolutions - 1996 Edition":
Resolution #1
1993: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.
1994: I will not leave Marge.
1995: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.
1996: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.
Resolution #2
1993: I will stop looking at other women.
1994: I will not get involved with Wanda.
1995: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.
1996: I will stop looking at other women.
Resolution #3
1993: I will not let my boss push me around.
1994: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.
1995: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.
1996: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.
Resolution #4
1993: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
1994: I will read at least 10 books a year.
1995: I will read 5 books a year.
1996: I will finish Space.
Resolution #5
1993: I will not get upset when Charlie and Sam make jokes about my baldness.
1994: I will not get annoyed when Charlie and Sam kid me about my toupee.
1995: I will not lose my temper when they tell the guys I wear a girdle.
1996: I will not speak to Charlie and Sam.
Resolution #6
1993: I will get my weight down below 180.
1994: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
1995: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
1996: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
Resolution #7
1993: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.
1994: I will not touch the bottle before noon.
1995: I will not become a "problem drinker".
1996: I will not miss any AA meetings.
Resolution #8
1993: I will not spend my money frivolously.
1994: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
1995: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
1996: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 1999.
Resolution #9
1993: I will see my dentist this year.
1994: I will have my cavities filled this year.
1995: I will have my root canal work done this year.
1996: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.
Resolution #10
1993: I will go to church every Sunday.
1994: I will go to church as often as possible.
1995: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.
1996: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.
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