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():nerd jokes (650): Following directions for the mentally handicapped |
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| Posted by Betsy on 13-Aug-2005 | Following directions for the mentally handicappedAn institution for the mentally ill arranged for its inmates to attend a baseball game. The director spent days training the patients to obey his commands, so there wouldn't be any trouble. The day of the game was bright and sunny and the group arrived just before the first pitch.
When it was time for the National Anthem, the director yelled, ''Up, nuts!'' and the inmates immediately rose. When the National Anthem was over, the director yelled, ''Down, nuts!'' and the inmates sat.
The game proceeded and the inmates were well-behaved. When the home team made a good play, the director yelled, ''Clap, nuts!'' and the patients applauded just like normal fans. Things were going so well that the director left his seat to go get a hot dog and a beer.
But when he came back, there was a riot going on. The director finally located his assistant and demanded, ''What happened?'' ''Everything was fine,'' the assistant said, ''until some guy came over and yelled, 'Peanuts'!''
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| Posted by Lauren Adamowsky C. Adamowsky on 13-Aug-2005 | Billy-Bob and Mary LouBilly-Bob was walking into town one day wearing nothing but his gun and his boots. Just as he began walking down Main Street he was confronted by the Sheriff. ''Hey, Billy-Bob, ya mind if I ask you what you are doin' walkin' down Main Street wearin' nothin' but your gunbelt and boots?''
''Well Sheriff,it's a long story.''
''I ain't going nowhere,'' said the Sheriff.
''Well Sheriff, a couple hours ago I ran into Mary Lou in the saloon. We had ourselves a couple of drinks and then we started to feelin' kinda frisky and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out to the barn?' So we did. Then we started getting real close and cuddin' and smoochin' and Mary Lou said, 'Why don't we go out back and go up to the top of the hill.' So we did. He continued, ''We started cuddlin' and smoochin' some more and the next thing I know, Mary Lou had taken off all her clothes and she suggested that I do the same. So I did, all except my gunbelt and boots. Then Mary Lou laid down on the ground and spread her legs apart and said 'Okay, Billy-Bob, go to town!' And, here I am Sheriff!''
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():nerd jokes (650): The preacher and the lawnmower |
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| Posted by cuttaholic on 13-Aug-2005 | The preacher and the lawnmowerA preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. ''How much do you want for the mower?'' asked the preacher. ''I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle'', said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, ''Will you take my bike in trade for it?'' The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and after riding the bike around a little while said, ''Mister, you've got yourself a deal.'' The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, ''I can't get this mower to start.''
The little boy said, ''That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started.''
The preacher said, ''I am a minister, and I cannot cuss. It has been so long since I have been saved that I do not even remember how to cuss.''
The little boy looked at him happily and said, ''Just keep pulling on that string. It'll come back to ya!''
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():nerd jokes (650): The Department of Motor Vehicles |
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| Posted by Lady Love on 13-Aug-2005 | Ya mamaya mamas so fat when she went bunnge jummping she went strait to hell
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