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| Posted by Jo Smith on 14-Aug-2005 | Food for Thought"The problem with the designated driver program is it's not a
desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have
fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong
house." --- Jeff Foxworthy
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants
to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There
should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should
have to find you a temp." --- Bob Ettinger
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of
that study: -- -- Duh." --- Conan O'Brien
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway
through my fish burger and I realize, oh my God.... I could be
eating a slow learner." ---Lynda Montgomery
"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes
out with a riding vacuum cleaner." --- Roseanne
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in
New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but
it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --- Richard Jeni
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--- Paul Rodriguez
"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned
sixty, and that's the law." --- Jerry Seinfeld
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up
quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is
the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" --- Warren Hutcherson
"Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of
Congress...But I repeat myself." ---Mark Twain
"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
least they can find Kuwait." --- A. Whitney Brown
"We have women in the military, but we don't put them in the
front lines. We don't know if they can fight or if they can
kill. I think they can. All the general has to do is walk over
to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say
you look fat in those uniforms.'" --- Elayne Boosler
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():funny quotes (263): "I squeezed that sperm till a strange sort... |
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| Posted by Sumit W. Khan on 07-Aug-2005 | "I squeezed that sperm till a strange sort..."I squeezed that sperm till a strange sort of insanity came over me"
- Herman Melville
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| Posted by Mya F. Whooch on 14-Aug-2005 | TruismsNobody will ever win the battle of the sexes...
There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks,
By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.
Drive carefully,
It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
Don't worry about the world ending today...
It's already tomorrow in Australia.
Character is what you are.
Reputation is what people think you are.
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.
Cats have never forgotten this.
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two
things: 1. Women. 2. Fractions.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
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| Posted by Kayla Phillips on 13-Aug-2005 | Useful Work Phrases1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
3. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
13. No, my powers can only be used for good.
14. How about never? Is never good for you?
15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
16. You sound reasonable . Time to up my medication.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message .
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
21. My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
22. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
25. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
26. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
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| Posted by DJ Kooney on 14-Aug-2005 | Baby ShowerI took a baby shower once. It left my skin baby soft.
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| Posted by STEVIE on 14-Aug-2005 | Graffiti in the USAThe best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
* Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
Beauty is only a light switch away.
* Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's
Get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
* Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
* Rest stop off Route 81, WV
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of
putting up with her shit.
* Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC
To do is to be. -Descartes
To be is to do. -Voltaire
Do be do be do. -Frank Sinatra
* Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, AZ
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
* Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
* Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ
Make love, not war. - Hell, do both, get married!
God is dead. - Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead. - God
* The Tombs Restaurant, Washington, DC
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
* Revolution Books, New York, NY
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going
to have trouble with it.
* Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
You're too good for him.
* Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly
Hills,CA
No wonder you always go home alone.
* Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly
Hills, CA
~~~~~ and from the once famous Bird House, Bird Creek, AK
(before it burnt down; south of Anchorage) -- hello Leroy!
These candy bars taste like cotton.
For sale or trade: one blind crab for one without teeth.
Birthdays come only once a year ... I'm glad I'm not a birthday.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
We aim to please: aim too please.
Is intercourse here to stay, or are people just screwing around?
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Help stamp out graffiti.
Graffiti is the 'handwriting on the wall'
Confuses say many who shits in the woods finds flies on his return.
Eat Shit: a billion flies can't be wrong.
Eat Sheep: a thousand Utah coyotes can't be wrong.
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