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():funny quotes (263): Food for Thought

Posted by Jo Smith on 14-Aug-2005

Food for Thought

"The problem with the designated driver program is it's not a
desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have
fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong
house." --- Jeff Foxworthy

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants
to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There
should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should
have to find you a temp." --- Bob Ettinger

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better
verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of
that study: -- -- Duh." --- Conan O'Brien

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway
through my fish burger and I realize, oh my God.... I could be
eating a slow learner." ---Lynda Montgomery

"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes
out with a riding vacuum cleaner." --- Roseanne

"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in
New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but
it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --- Richard Jeni

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--- Paul Rodriguez

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned
sixty, and that's the law." --- Jerry Seinfeld

"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up
quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is
the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" --- Warren Hutcherson

"Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of
Congress...But I repeat myself." ---Mark Twain

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At
least they can find Kuwait." --- A. Whitney Brown

"We have women in the military, but we don't put them in the
front lines. We don't know if they can fight or if they can
kill. I think they can. All the general has to do is walk over
to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say
you look fat in those uniforms.'" --- Elayne Boosler


13 people have rated this joke:

():funny quotes (263): Food Poisoning

Posted by Acer on 14-Aug-2005

Food Poisoning

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.


42 people have rated this joke:

():funny quotes (263): "Sometimes when I'm sitting in my car at a...

Posted by Dr.16 on 07-Aug-2005

"Sometimes when I'm sitting in my car at a...

"Sometimes when I'm sitting in my car at a stop light, I imagine myself as Luke Skywalker, and I close my eyes and concentrate on using The Force. Sometimes I have to concentrate longer than others, but I know it works, 'cause the light always turns green."
- Troy Peterson


10 people have rated this joke:

():funny quotes (263): Truisms

Posted by Mya F. Whooch on 14-Aug-2005


Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes...
There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.

A baby first laughs at the age of four weeks,
By that time his eyes focus well enough to see you clearly.

Drive carefully,
It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

Don't worry about the world ending today...
It's already tomorrow in Australia.

Character is what you are.
Reputation is what people think you are.

Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods.
Cats have never forgotten this.

A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two
things: 1. Women. 2. Fractions.

The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.


8 people have rated this joke:

():funny quotes (263): Quotes for the end of the world

Posted by Nikki on 13-Aug-2005
Quotes for the end of the world
As the year 2000 rolls at us like the big ball after Indiana Jones, Allan Appel has compiled "A Portable Apocalypse: A Quotable Companion to the End of the World" (Riverhead Books, $12). Some highlights:

The world ended Sunday night -- at least on CBS. Some people were mad when they found out it wasn't true.

Tony Williams of WUSA after the airing of a TV movie filmed as a breaking news broadcast covering the crash of asteroids into Earth.


Due to cutbacks the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off.

-- sign hanging in office at Mt. Sinai Hospital, New York, 1995


There are signs that the world is speedily coming to an end: Bribery and corruption are common. Children no longer obey their parents, and everyone is writing a book.

-- from Assyrian tablet, 2800 B.C.E.


Somehow the world never seems to end before your homework is due.

P.J. O'Rourke, "All the Trouble in the World"


Due to the lack of experienced trumpeters, the End of the World has been postponed for three weeks.

-- sign hung in the U.S. House of Representatives, 1970


Following a nuclear attack on the United States, the U.S. Postal Service plans to distribute Emergency Change of Address Cards.

-- directives from FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency), Executive Order #11490, 1969


The Great Flood was sent because of the large numbers of dirty people.

-- from "The Pocket Book of Boners: An Omniubus of School Boy Howlers and Unconscious Humor"


Society is heading for the Big Flush, and we're going to be the ones clinging to the rim while everything else goes down.

-- from the film "Survivors," written by Michael Leesan


The human race is a pilot project that's failed: Denied future funding!

Belinda Plutz


It turns out that the Maya simply walked away from their civilization nearly 1,000 years ago. Incidentally, they predicted that the world would end on Sunday, Dec. 23, 2012. Jot it down.

John J. O'Conner from "Ultimate Rerun: History," in the New York Times, July 1995


I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was -- an arctic region covered with ice.

Steve Martin


Life is extinct on other planets because their scientists were more advanced than ours.



7 people have rated this joke:

():funny quotes (263): Baby Shower

Posted by DJ Kooney on 14-Aug-2005
Baby Shower
I took a baby shower once. It left my skin baby soft.


30 people have rated this joke:

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