|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
| Posted by Acer on 14-Aug-2005 | Food PoisoningI got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
|
8 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Tyler R. Dumas on 13-Aug-2005 | More Religion QuotesI don't care WHO you are, you're not walking on the water while I'm fishing.
A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.
Definition of Atheism: a non-prophet organization.
Jesus saves, Allah forgives, Cthulhu thinks you'd make a nice sandwich.
Why settle for the lesser of two evils?
Photons have mass!? I didn't even know they were Catholic...
Here's to the sun God, He sure is a fun God, Ra, Ra, Ra
Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? - Jules Feiffer
A diagnostic is someone who doesn't know whether there are two gods.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
In the beginning, God created the Baptists. And the Baptists looked at themselves and said, "We good." And God saw it was too late.
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
On an atheist's tombstone: Here lies an atheist; all dressed up and no place to go.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
I am an agnostic pagan. I doubt the existence of many gods.
I'm convinced God put me here to accomplish a certain number of things; right now, I'm so far behind I'll never die!
A dyslexic, agnostic insomniac - one who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog...
"When you speak of heaven, let your face light up; let it be irradiated by a heavenly gleam; let your eyes shine with reflected glory. But when you speak of hell, your ordinary expression will do. " Charles Spurgeon
There are two kinds of people: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, "All right, then, have it your way." - C.S. Lewis
"Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much." -- G.K. Chesterton
Make God laugh - plan for the future.
"I am ready to meet my maker. Whether or not my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter." - Winston Churchill
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says,"What is this, some kind of joke?"
Adam to Eve: I'll wear the plants in this family!
And on the 8th day God said, "OK Murphy, you take over."
Atheist achieving orgasm: "Oh Random! Oh, Chance!"
Birth, life, death. Repeat as necessary.
Blessed are the Fundamentalists, for they shall inhibit the earth.
I disbelieved in reincarnation in my last life, too.
Freedom *OF* religion includes freedom *FROM* religion.
Give me some of that old-time Religion...HAIL ZEUS!
If money is the root of all evil, why do churches want it so badly?
In a crisis call for Isis!
In the name of the Old Man, The Kid, and the Spook, Amen.
Instant shaman - add one drum and beat slowly.
Jesus loves you. Then again, so does Barney.
Jesus Saves... Passes to Moses. Shoots... He SCORES!
That was Zen; this is Tao.
Religion is for those who fear hell, Spirituality is for those who have been there...
Sometimes we turn to God when our foundations are shaking, only to find out it is God who is shaking them
I always liked working with the Priests that drank the wine during mass. They were the easiest to work with.
Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about?
The Bible tells us to love our neighbours, and also to love our enemies, probably because they are generally the same people.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."
|
2 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
():funny quotes (263): I think men who have a pierced ear are better... |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Nathan Burns on 07-Aug-2005 | I think men who have a pierced ear are better...I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner
|
2 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by nick g on 14-Aug-2005 | Steven Wrigth Quotes 3- When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a
great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people
ask me if I'm leaving.
- Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came
back the entire area was missing.
- It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
- I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said,
"Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know where
sleep is." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of
tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and
just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and
she said, "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
- I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because
that means it's going to be up all night.
- When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you
sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
- Earlier today I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept
wandering.
- One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in
somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all
over the world.
- My girlfriend does her nails with whiteout. When she's asleep,
I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
- I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't
find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they
were!
- I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She
looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored
socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same
because I go by thickness."
- I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. You turn on
the record, put the headphones on and learn Spanish in your
sleep; during the night the record got stuck. The next day I
could only stutter in Spanish.
- Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
- Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a
dotted line. He caught every other fish.
- There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore
looking like an idiot.
- I bought a dog the other day, he_s really smart!...I named him
Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here,
Stay!" Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
- I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little
pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around
in circles.
- The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on
the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid
of widths.
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation...go figure
- If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came
up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
- Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
- What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald
men?
- I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing
husbands on beer cans.
- I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole
lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me they were
cramming for their finals.
- I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny
spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use...
Toothpicks?
- Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do_ write to these men? Why don't they
just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen
could look for them while they delivered the mail?
- How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
- If it's true that we are here to help others, then what
exactly are the OTHERS here for?
- Clones are people two.
- If a man says something in the woods and there are no women
there, is he still wrong?
- If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
- Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?
- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
- If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is
that considered a hostage situation?
- If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
- I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd
be gone. I said, "The whole time."
- So what's the speed of dark?
- How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who
has been dissing them anyhow?
- After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before
getting OUT of the water?
- If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it
in?
- I just got skylights put in my apartment. The people who live
above me are furious.
|
6 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
():funny quotes (263): It is not true that life is one damn thing... |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by jarmo two on 07-Aug-2005 | It is not true that life is one damn thing...It is not true that life is one damn thing after another.
It's one damn thing over and over.
- Edna St. Vincent Millay
|
2 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
