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| Posted by Casey M. Champion on 14-Aug-2005 | Full of CrapOne morning, an old lady goes to the grocery store to buy cat
food for her little cat. She looks around and picks the most
expensive kind of cat food. As she approaches the cashier, she
tells her, "Nothing but the best for my little kitty." The clerk
tells the old lady that she can't sell her the cat food because
a lot of old people buy cat food to eat it. She then tells the
old lady that she needs proof that she has a cat. So the old
lady goes home, takes her cat, and drags it to the store. Once
the clerk sees that the old lady actually has a cat, she sells
her the cat food.
The next day, the old lady goes to the grocery store again this
time to buy dog food. She looks around and picks the most
expensive kind of dog food. As she approaches the cashier, she
tells her, "Nothing but the best for my little puppy." The clerk
tells the old lady that she can't sell her the dog food because
a lot of old people buy dog food to eat it. She then tells the
old lady that she needs proof that she has a dog. So the old
lady, who is now very frustrated, goes home, takes her dog, and
drags it to the store. Once the clerk sees that the old lady
actually has a dog, she sells her the dog food.
The next day the old lady goes back to the grocery store with a
jar in her hands. The jar is covered with old newspapers and it
has a little hole at the top. The old lady goes directly to the
clerk and politely asks the clerk to stick her finger in. The
clerk immediately refuses because she is afraid that the old
lady has a snake inside. The old lady assures the clerk that
there is nothing in the jar that will bite her. So the clerk
sticks her finger inside the jar and feels around. She tells the
old lady that whatever is inside, is very soft and mushy. The
old lady now tells the clerk to take her finger out, and smell
it. The clerk does what she is told. As soon as she begins to
smell her finger, she starts to yell. She told the old lady that
the jar is full of crap and her finger smells like shit. The old
lady, with a smile from one ear to the other, tells the clerk,
"Very well. Now Do you think I can buy three rolls of toilet
paper?"
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| Posted by Brock on 14-Aug-2005 | How to Bathe a CatDear Cat Owner,
Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat:
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and
have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close
both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot
escape). CAUTION: Don't get any part of your body too close to
the edge, as his paws will be reaching out to grab anything they
can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never
mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually
enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "powerwash and
rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that
there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift
both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run
outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
The DOG
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| Posted by Ronald A. Court on 14-Aug-2005 | The American WayThe Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race
realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were
going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and
decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They
would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the
world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to
dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its
arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler
bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest
Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest
puppy from each litter, removed his siblings which gave him all
the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years
came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.
Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and
nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up
with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund.
Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there
was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with
the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund
came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the
Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage
and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close
enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's
mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was
nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in
disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We
had our best people working for five years with the meanest
Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest
meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic
surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a
Dachshund."
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| Posted by Nicole disclosed information on 14-Aug-2005 | World's Smartest GorillaMr. Goldberg went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in
front of the gorilla's enclosure, he noticed the gorilla watching him
intently. The man waved at the gorilla, the gorilla waved back. He
patted his stomach and the gorilla copied him. He jumped up and down,
the gorilla started jumping. He made faces, pulled his hair, hopped on
one foot, spun in a circle, and beat on his chest. His antics were
copied exactly by the gorilla in the cage.
All of a sudden the wind gusted and he got some grit in his
eye. Mr. Goldberg rubbed his eye, trying to make it better. While doing
so he stepped closer and closer to the cage. As he pulled his
eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, banged
against the bars, reached out, grabbed the nearly blinded Goldberg and
beat him senseless. When the zoo keeper came to Mr. Goldberg,
he told the keeper what had happened. The zoo keeper nodded and
explained that in gorilla language pulling down your eyelid
means "fuck you."
The explanation didn't make the gorilla's victim feel any better
but he accepted it. As he left he became madder and madder. He plotted
his revenge. The next day he purchased two large knives, two
party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the
sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's
cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn.
Knowing that the big ape liked to mimic people, he put on a party
hat. The gorilla looked at him, and looked at the hat, and put it on.
Next he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his
horn and did the same. He twirled in a circle blowing the horn. The
gorilla did the same. Then Goldberg picked up his knife and waved it
over his head. Again the gorilla copied it. Next he whipped the
sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two. The gorilla
looked at the knife in his big hairy hand, looked at his own crotch, and
pulled down his eyelid.
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| Posted by Tristan A. Khan on 14-Aug-2005 | Dog vs. Leopard at SafariA wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his
faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts
chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is
lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly
in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, "Boyo, I'm in deep doo doo now." (He was an
Irish setter).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close
by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his
back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly,
"Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any
more around here?"
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a
look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees.
"Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had
me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a
nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and
trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But
the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and
figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans
and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat is
furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on
my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine."
Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back,
and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running,
the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he
hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to
hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust
him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another
leopard, and he's still not back!!"
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| Posted by Payway Elbertse on 14-Aug-2005 | Equal Opportunity EmployerA local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the
window saying:
"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must
be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."
A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and
went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then
walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office
manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However,
the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog
jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.
The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to
type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a
perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and
gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to
be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to
demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample
spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.
By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and
said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some
interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."
The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the
part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be
bilingual."
The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
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