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| Posted by janaki on 14-Aug-2005 | Full StopA police officer (who shall remain nameless) pulled over a red Porsche
after it had run a stop sign. "May I see your driver's license and
registration please?"
"What's the problem, officer?"
"Your just ran the stop sign back there at the last intersection."
"Oh, come on pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me".
"Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look both
ways, and proceed with caution."
"you gotta be kidding me!"
"It's no joke, sir".
"Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty
miles, and proceeded with caution."
"That's beside the point, sir. You are supposed to come to a complete
stop, and you didn't. Now if I may see your license and. . ."
"You've got a lot of time on your hands, PAL! What's the matter, all the
doughnut shops closed?"
"Sir, I'll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and
registration immediately!"
"I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and
coming to a complete stop."
The police officer had enough. "Sir, I can do better than that." He opened
the car door, dragged the obnoxious motorist out, and proceeded to
methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick.
"Now sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop?"
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| Posted by nick on 14-Aug-2005 | Piss BetA group of guys are in a bar and one of them walks up to the
bartender and bets him $500 that he can piss in a beer mug from
across the bar and not spill a drop. Considering the odds of it
the bar tender agrees to the bet and sets the mug across from
the man on the bar. The man unzipped his pants and pulled his
dick out and began to focus on the mug. He starts to pee and he
pisses all over the bar, the customers and the bartender. And
the bar tender is laughing cause he just mad $500. The bartender
says to the guy, "Where is my money?" And the guy walks back to
the table where his friends are and comes back smiling and lays
the money on the bar. The bartender is puzzled why the man was
smiling after losing $500 and asks the man, "Why are so happy
you lost the bet?" The man replies, "I might have lost the bet
with you, but I bet my budies over there $2000 that I could piss
on you, your bar, and your customers and you'd laugh about it."
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| Posted by Jeremy W. Thompson on 14-Aug-2005 | Would You Kill My WifeA guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid.", answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was
her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make
$50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and
the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a
couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause.
"Uh.. is this 832-4821?"
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| Posted by Wes Bundy on 14-Aug-2005 | 19 Fun Things to Do In The Public Bathroom1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your
neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence
with a bodily function noise
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot! My glass eye!"
6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a
cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh
relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it
erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while
yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"
11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of
toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor.
Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?
13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.
Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known drum cadence over and oven again on your
butt cheeks
17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your
"Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to
the adjacent stall.
18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it
so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing
"Born Free."
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| Posted by kristin n. marek on 14-Aug-2005 | The Height of All EmotionsHeight of Patience:
A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree.
Height of Frustration:
A boxer trying to scratch his balls.
Height of Innocence:
A teenage girl applying Clearasil to her nipple.
Height of Unemployment:
Cobwebs in the hole of the prostitute.
Height of Laziness:
A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake to do the
rest.
Height of Competition:
A guy peeing beside a waterfall.
Height of Sophistication:
Sucking nipples with a straw.
Height of Disgust:
While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger pokes thru
the paper.
Height of Technology:
Condom with a zip.
Height of Trouble:
A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his ass itching.
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| Posted by Jamee M. Warner on 14-Aug-2005 | Playing the GameTwo bored dealers are waiting around for someone to walk up and
try their luck at the craps table. A very attractive lady comes
in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of
the dice. The dealers agree.
She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when
I'm half naked." With that she strips naked from the waist down,
and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of
pants!" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of
the dealers.
"YES! I WIN! I WIN!" With that she picks up her money and
clothes and quickly leaves.
The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of
them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I
don't know. I thought YOU were watching the dice!"
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