Fun Things to Do in a Hardware Store

• Unroll the 100 metre tape measure to "make sure it's all there". Ask other shoppers to hold bits down "Just there, no there by that mark in the floor" as you go along. See how many shoppers you can get helping you on the way.
• Unroll a 50 metre roll of duct tape check whether it really is 50 metre. Then find you can't roll it all back because it's stuck on the floor. When a member of staff asks what you are doing tell them you've covered up a large crack in their floor and they "really ought to take more care of their building".
• Ask for the bits from the middle of your washers so that you can use them for Tiddlywinks.
• Take your cat into the Pet Department and put him into different baskets. Call him "Timmy" and ask which he prefers. Then start arguing with him and say that the ones he prefers is too expensive. Ask passers-by if they have the same problem with their cats.
• Complain that the 13 amp plug you bought leaks and that as a result you've not had a bath for months.
• Go to the Customer Service desk and ask how to connect the plumb line you've just bought to your washing machine.
• Take some planks of wood into the store and ask to try their best orbital sander. Afterwards ask them where they keep the wood varnish... you'd like to try that as well.
• Order 90 metres of nylon cable with a strain rating of 6 Kg. Once they've measured and cut it produce a piece of paper from your pocket, stare at it and turn it upside down. Apologise and say that you really wanted 9 metres of nylon cable with a strain rating of 60 Kg.
• Complain that none of the taps work in the model bathroom. Threaten to sue them on health grounds because they've also forgotten to provide soap or towels.
• Try to hold up the cashier with a glue gun. Shout "Stick 'em up!" and start sniggering. When the cops come say "It was only a joke. Geddit? Glue. Stick 'em up. Joke." Keep protesting your innocence and sue them for not having a sense of humour.
• Take a section of bright yellow carpet into the paint department and get people's opinion of which paint matches it best. Then produce some bright yellow curtain material and ask whether the paint still matches. Next get some bright pink cloth ("the color of my sofa") and ask which paint goes best with all three. You can then produce another patch of material from your cushions, rugs, light-shades...
• Join the longest checkout queue when ready to pay for your goods. Then move to the back of another long queue when just about to be served. Start complaining about the slow service - but keep moving to the back of another long queue when just about to be served. Eventually the manager will come out and take you to the front of a queue - just to get rid of you. When this happens turn round and grin at everybody else who you've just jumped in front of.
• Produce a shopping list for a Jack Daniels spirit level, a long weight, a left-handed screw-driver and a tin of blue and white striped paint.
• Shake all the Christmas trees until their needles start to fall out. Decide which tree was best. Then go buy a plastic tree because all the real ones were reduced to bare twigs.
• Get a friend to hold each tape measure in turn while you pull the tape out to its fullest extent. Then shout "Yeeha!" and let the tape go. Time which recoils the fastest.
• Switch off all the lights in the building so that you can try out the torches. When the staff get angry and turn them back on ask "what they've got to hide?".
• Go to the Customer Service desk with a tin of paint (for example "Egg-shell blue", "Buttermilk white" or "Jasmine yellow") and ask whether they've got the same color but with a different name; the color's just right but there's no way you're going to paint your wall with something called *that*.
• Borrow a volt meter from the electrical section, undo all packs of batteries and test them to find the freshest ones. Then decide to buy rechargeables instead.
• Visit the garden department and ask for daffodil bulbs with the screw-type fitting. Then ask whether you can change the ones you bought by mistake last week with the bayonet fitting.
• Ask if they have any Australian hose-pipes because you are going to live there and everybody knows that water flows the other way in the southern hemisphere.
• Take your dimmer switch to the Returns Desk and complain that it is too intelligent - you wanted something dimmer.
• Open all the glue pots and start sniffing them. When an assistant asks what you're doing thrust one of them under his nose and say "Smell for yourself, this one's stale".
• Activate all the burglar alarms in the security section. When an innocent member of public sets them off, tie him up with some rope and shout "I've caught him! I've caught him!".
• Pick up one of the demonstration models in the phone section and pretend to have a private conversation. Say to the (imaginary) person on the other end "It's amazing, they must have wired this one in by mistake". See how many people you can get to pick it up and try it after you've left.
• Take items of bird food (bags of nuts and bars of seed) out into the garden section and fix them to the bird tables, so that the birds can eat them. If stopped by staff just say you thought somebody had put them in the wrong place and ask "they are meant to be for the birds outside, aren't they?".
• Try cooking your Sunday lunch in one of their example kitchens. See how far you can get. Try and build up an audience as if you were doing a demonstration. If there's no electricity say "Darn it, they forgot to wire it up for me again." and move onto some other food preparation which doesn't need electricity. Keep saying things like "Note the stylish doors", "Look at the quality of this work surface" and "The sink comes in four sizes, three shapes and seven colors".
• Buy twelve light bulbs and - when you get to the checkout - ask if you can test whether they are working because "The last time I bought some from [insert name of rival store] half of them were already blown". After they find you a socket and you've tested them all, suddenly remember you wanted a different fitting. Repeat the whole process then remember you wanted a different wattage. Repeat the whole process yet again then remember you wanted the special "reflector" spotlight ones. Eventually remember that the Electricity Company has cut your power because you've not been paying the bills. Ask them where they keep the candles.

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