|
|
 |
|
 |
 |
| Posted by Ruth Stewart on 14-Aug-2005 | Fun Things to Do on a Bus1. Swing from the metal railings on the ceiling, singing, "I'm a
monkey! Ooga Ooga!" If there are people with groceries, steal
their bananas.
2. When someone sits down next to you, take out your cell phone
and start saying ominous things like, "I found the bomb. It's on
this bus." or, "I'm surrounded. Send in the artillery."
3. Go up to one of the other passengers and say, "I know all
about what you've done. We've been tracking you for a long
time." See if you can get them to confess anything.
4. When someone sits next to you, strike up an argument with
yourself. Escalate the argument, and finally start punching
yourself in the head. See how long it takes them to leave.
5. Every 5 minutes scream "WE'RE GONNA CRASH! TAKE COVER!" and
hide under a seat. When the bus keeps going, peek out and
whisper, "It's magic!!"
6. Stand in the middle of the aisle, stare at the little lights
on the ceiling, and say, "I have seen the light, Obi-wan."
7. Keep looking at the bottom of your shoes and saying, "Ewwww,
gross."
8. Lift up the seat cushions and say, "How are you doing, little
guys?"
9. Save seats for imaginary friends.
10. Stand in the front of the bus and announce, "I am the knight
who says... NEE!!" Say "nee" to all the passengers and ask them
for shrubberies.
11. Go up to someone, poke them, say, "You're it!" and start
scurrying around.
12. When someone sits next to you, poke them repeatedly, saying,
"Poke!" loudly each time, and see what their reaction is.
13. When boarding the bus, ask the bus driver, "Can my pet tree
come too?"
14. Wear a backpack and whine, "But mommy, I don't WANNA go to
school!"
15. Eat invisible food, making obnoxious smacking noises. When
the bus driver says no food allowed, hold it behind your back
and whistle.
16. Ask everyone on the bus "Have you seen my (insert small
furry rodent/insect/huge dangerous animal)?"
(These also work on the train)
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Jay k. Maroony on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 4 Fun Things To Do On a Road Trip4. Go into a gas station angry. Insist that you were there an
hour ago and the clerk gave you bad directions.
3. Pull up beside another motorist. Leaving your window up, yell
and motion at the motorist that there is air in their tires.
Look very concerned.
2. Pick up a hitchhiker. Claim that you know who he is and that
you will not let the FBI find him. Mumble something about taking
him to a safe place in the desert where nobody can find him.
1. Pull up beside someone. Have your passenger splash ketchup on
his window, slam his head against it, and slowly slide his head
down the window.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Jokester Jeff on 14-Aug-2005 | Man Without a TieA traveler became lost in the desert region of Algeria.
Realizing his only chance for survival was to find civilization,
he began walking. Time passed, and he became thirsty. More time
passed, and he began feeling faint.
Reduced to crawling, he was on the verge of passing out when he
spied a tent about 500 meters in front of him.
Barely conscious, he reached the tent and called out, "Water...".
A Bedouin appeared in the tent door and replied sympathetically,
"I am sorry, sir, but I have no water. However, would you like
to buy a tie?"
With this, he brandished a collection of exquisite silken
neckwear.
"You fool," gasped the man. "I'm dying! I need water!"
"Well, sir," replied the Bedouin, "If you really need water,
there is a tent about 2 kilometers south of here where you can
get some."
Without knowing how, the man summoned sufficient strength to
drag his parched body the distance to the second tent. With his
last ounce of strength he tugged at the door of the tent and
collapsed.
Another Bedouin, dressed in a costly tuxedo, appeared at the
door and enquired, "May I help you sir?"
"Water..." was the feeble reply.
"Oh, sir," replied the Bedouin, "I'm sorry, but you can't come
in here without a tie!"
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by Smart Fool on 14-Aug-2005 | If Airlines Sold Paint...Customer: How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends.
Customer: Depends on what?
Clerk: Actually, it depends on a number of things.
Customer: Well, what is your average price for a gallon of paint?
Clerk: Wow-that's too hard a question. The lowest price is $9 a gallon,
but we have 150 different prices ranging up to $200 per gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: There isn't any difference. It's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then, I'd like some of the $9 paint.
Clerk: Well, before I sell you that paint, you need to answer a few
questions. First, when do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow, on my day off.
Clerk: Well, if you want to use the paint tomorrow, I can only sell you
the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint in order to get the $9 paint?
Clerk: To get the $9 paint, you would have to use it three weeks from
now, and you have to start painting on a Friday and continue to paint until
Sunday night.
Customer: You've got to be kidding!
Clerk: Sir, we don't kid around here. Please wait while I check to see
if we have any $9 paint.
Customer: There's some on the shelf right there-I can see it!
Clerk: That's the same paint all right but we can sell only a certain
number of gallons for the weekend that you want to paint. Ooops-the price
just went up to $17 a gallon.
Customer: You mean the price went up while we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. You see, we change prices and rules thousands of times
a day, and since you haven't actually left the store with your paint yet,
we just decided to raise the price. Unless you want the same thing to
happen again, I suggest you get on with your purchase. How many gallons
do you want?
Customer: I don't know exactly. Maybe five gallons, no, make it six
gallons so I'm sure I have enough.
Clerk: If you don't use all the paint, you'll be penalized.
Customer: But if I've already paid for the paint, what does it matter if
I don't use all of it?
Clerk: That's just the way it is, sir.
Customer: Well, that does it! I'm going somewhere else to buy my paint.
Clerk: Good luck, sir. All of our competitors have similar rules. You'd
better just buy your paint here, while our lowest price is still $28 a
gallon.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by wraith on 14-Aug-2005 | Problem aboard
'Curiosity'
A man travelling by plane was in urgent need of the toilet.
But each time he looked up, the illuminated sign proclaimed
that it was occupied.
The stewardess, aware of his predicament, suggested that he
uses the airplane's new prototype women's loo.
But he must not press any of the buttons inside. The were
labelled WW,WA,PP, and ATR.
The man's curiousity got the best of him and he started
pressing the buttons one by one.
When he pressed WW, Warm, fragrant Water was sprayed all
over his entire bottom. He thought, wow, the women really
have it made.
Still curious, he pressed the button marked WA, and a gentle
breeze of Warm Air quickly dried his hindquarters. He thought
this was fantastic and reached for the button marked PP.
This yielded a large Powder Puff that delicately applied a
soft talc to his rear. Naturally, he couldn't resist the
last button marked ATR.
When he woke up in the hospital, he buzzed for the nurse.
"What happened to me? The last thing I remember is that I
was in the new ladies' room on a plane."
"Yes," replied the nurse, "apparently you were having a
great time until you pressed the ATR button, which stands for
AUTOMATIC TAMPON REMOVER. Your penis is under your pillow."
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| Posted by BloodAngel on 14-Aug-2005 | Where Did We Crash?Bubba and Jake chartered a plane with a pilot to drop them off in the
wilds of Alaska for a week of elk hunting, just the same as they did the
year before.
When the pilot returned with the plane Bubba exclaimed joyfully to the
pilot, "We had a great hunting trip! We bagged four elk!" The pilot
regretfully explained, "Unfortunately, our plane can only fly with the
weight of two elk. You'll have to leave the other two behind."
Bubba and Jake were both infuriated and insistent. "We won't allow you to
fly this plane out without all four elk," Jake demanded.
The eager to please pilot relented and the plane took off with the three
of them and their four elk. About fifteen minutes into the flight the
engine started to sputter, and within seconds they were hurtling to the
ground.
Wearily arising from the wreckage, Bubba looked at Jake and wheezed, "Do
you have any idea where we are?"
Jake, quite pleased with himself, replied, "Yes! We're about a mile from
where we crashed last year.
|
0 people have rated this joke: |
|
|
| |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
