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| Posted by Dragon Bird on 14-Aug-2005 | Funny SignsPlumber: "We repair what your husband fixed." -Mo4al ************
On the trucks of a local plumbing company here in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't
sleep with a drip, call your plumber!!" -Rickley L. Buck ************
Pizza shop slogan: 7 days without pizza makes one Weak!! ************
At a Tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout." - Adolph
Herbstrei ************
Door of a plastic surgeon's office: Hello, can we pick your nose? -Chanel
Rose ************
Sign at the psychic's hotline: Don't call us, We'll call you. -IBDOUGELL
************
At A Laundry shop: How about we refund your money Send you a new one at no
charge Close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be
satisfactory? 'Signed Customer Service' -Janet36603 ************
At a towing company: "We won't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
-Phred ************
Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and stop
reading these signs" -Joe E Bowers, Jr.
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| Posted by David McMorris on 14-Aug-2005 | The Oreo Personality TestPsychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo
cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which
method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:
1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles, examining the results of each bite
afterwards.
4. In little feverish nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreos.
Your Personality:
1. The whole thing. This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun
to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are
totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.
2. One bite at a time. You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other
people who eat their Oreo's this very same way. Just like them, you lack
imagination, but that's ok, not to worry, you're "normal".
3. Slow and methodical. You follow the rules. You're very tidy and
orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to
the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of
the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit.
4. Feverish nibbles. Your boss likes you because you get your work done
quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to
do them. Mental break downs and suicides run in your family. Valium and
Ritalin would do you good.
5. Dunked. Every one likes you because you are always upbeat. You like to
sugar-coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good
ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have
a propensity towards narcotic addiction.
6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie. You have a highly
curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how
they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you
destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement
when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if
not criminal, behavior.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie. You are good at
business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the
rest away. You are greedy,selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You
should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got
yours.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside. You enjoy pain.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them. Stay away from small furry
animals and seek professional medical help immediately.
10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreo cookies. You probably
come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to upscale
restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own,
and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a
prima donna. There's just no pleasing you. Kill yourself now.
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| Posted by ~Stephy~ on 14-Aug-2005 | Keeping the Organ SafeA priest went into the country to pay a visit to a 92 year old church
member he hadn't seen in years. She welcomed him into the parlor. While
she made tea, he looked around and saw a beautiful oak pipe organ with a
cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was half filled with water
and a condom was floating on top. Astonished and shocked, he quickly
turned away. But after tea, his curiosity got the best of him and he asked
her about it. "Oh, yes," she said enthusiastically. "While in town last
year, I found a package on the sidewalk. The directions on the back said
to keep wet and put on your organ to prevent disease. And you know, I
think it works. I haven't had a cold all winter."
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| Posted by Yanie on 14-Aug-2005 | Random Funny Facts* Gilligan of Gilligan's Island had a first name that was only
used once, on the never-aired pilot show. His first name was
Willy.
* Dr. Seuss and Kurt Vonnegut went to college together. They
were even in the same fraternity, where Seuss decorated the
fraternity house walls with drawings of his strange characters.
* The Les Nessman character on the TV series WKRP in Cincinnati
wore a band-aid in every episode. Either on himself, his
glasses, or his clothing.
* John Larroquette of "Night Court" and "The John Larroquette
Show" was the narrator of "The Texas Chainsaw Massacre."
* Beelzebub, another name for the devil, is Hebrew for "Lord of
the Flies", and this is where the book's title comes from.
* The term "devil's advocate" comes from the Roman Catholic
church. When deciding if someone should be sainted, a devil's
advocate is always appointed to give an alternative view.
* Before Prohibition, Shlitz Brewery owned more property in
Chicago than anyone else, except The Catholic Church.
* It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that
the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46,
the 46th word from the first word is 'shake' and the 46th word
from the last word is 'spear'.
* In 1986 Danny Heep became the first player in a World Series
to be a designated hitter (DH) with the initials "D.H."
* In the four major US professional sports, (Baseball,
Basketball, Football, and Hockey), there are only seven teams
whose nicknames do not end with an "s" Basketball: The Miami
Heat, The Utah Jazz, The Orlando Magic. Baseball: The Boston Red
Sox, The Chicago White Sox. Hockey: The Colorado Avalanche, The
Tampa Bay Lightning. Football: None.
* In 1963, baseball pitcher Gaylord Perry remarked, "They'll put
a man on the moon before I hit a home run." On July 20, 1969, a
few hours after Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon, Gaylord
Perry hit his first, and only, home run.
* When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at
home to a sellout crowd, the full stadium becomes the state's
third largest city.
* Kermit the Frog is left-handed.
* The lifespan of a tastebud is ten days.
* Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
* The dial tone of a normal telephone is in the key of "F".
* If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep
floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.
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| Posted by Bluey Dinosaur on 14-Aug-2005 | Degrees Fahrenheit60 California residents put on sweaters (if they can find one)
50 Miami residents turn on the heat
45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
40 You can see your breath
California residents shiver uncontrollably
Minnesota residents go swimming
35 Italian cars don't start
32 Water freezes
30 You plan your vacation to Australia
25 Ohio water freezes
California residents weep pitiably
Minnesota residents eat ice cream
Canadians go swimming
20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
New York City water freezes
Miami residents plan vacation further South
15 French cars don't start
Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
10 You need jumper cables to get the car going
5 American cars don't start
0 Alaska residents put on T-shirts
-10 German cars don't start
Eyes freeze shut when you blink
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
Arkansas residents stick tongue on metal objects
Miami residents cease to exist
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
Politicians actually do something about the homeless
Minnesota residents shovel snow off roof
Japanese cars don't start
-25 Too cold to think
You need jumper cables to get the driver going
-30 You plan a two-week hot bath
Swedish cars don't start
-40 California residents disappear
Minnesota residents button top button
Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip South
-50 Congressional hot air freezes
Alaska residents close the bathroom window
-80 Hell freezes over
Polar bears move South
Green Bay Packer fans order hot cocoa at the game
AND AT:
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets....
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| Posted by Matt S on 14-Aug-2005 | ShoppingA man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl
in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked
for cookies and her mother told her no. The little girl immediately
began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Monica, we
just have half of the aisles left to go through - don't be upset. It
won't be long."
Soon, they came to the candy aisle and the little girl began to shout
for candy. When told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother
said, "There, there, Monica, don't cry - only two more aisles to go and
then we'll be checking out."
When they got to the checkout stand, the little girls immediately began
to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering
there'd be no gum purchased. The mother patiently said, "Monica, we'll
be through this check out stand in 5 minutes and then you can go home
and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to
compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with
little Monica," he began.
The mother replied, "I'm Monica - my little girl's name is Tammy."
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