Funny quotes

Categories

Gay guy walks into a bar...

A gay guy walks into a bar and says "I want a drink big boy." The bar tender says "we don't serve your kind here!" The guy leaves and goes to another bar. and says "I want a drink big boy." The bar tender says "we don't serve your kind here!"

Frustrated he leaves and goes to a costume shop. He gets a cowboy outfit and goes to another bar. He slams his fist down and yells "Give me a beer!" The bar tender looks at him funny and says "I'm sorry big boy but we don't serve your kind here."

--
Submitted By: Shadow_soul_reaver

0 people have rated this joke:

0.00/10


	():bar jokes (2610): Beer Warnings

Posted by Melanie Mudd on 13-Aug-2005

Beer Warnings

WARNING, the consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
-------------------------
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
-------------------------
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
-------------------------
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4:00 AM.
-------------------------
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
-------------------------
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
-------------------------
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead and knees.
-------------------------
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
-------------------------
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
-------------------------
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
-------------------------
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to disappear.
-------------------------
WARNING, the consumption of alcohol may actually cause pregnancy.
-------------------------

0 people have rated this joke:

0.00/10


	():bar jokes (2610): Monkey Tail in the Cognac

Posted by A very nice person who doesn't swear on 13-Aug-2005

Monkey Tail in the Cognac

The scene: a posh bar, velvet draperies, pianist playing a soft jazz in the background. A patron orders a cognac. The waiters brings him one and, no sooner has he left the drink on the man's table that a little monkey runs from one end of the bar, jumps on the table, dips his tail into the man's cognac and leaves as quickly as he appeared.

"Strange..." thinks the man. "This is quite unexpected. It's actually sort of funny. No big deal. I'll just order another one." So, he orders another cognac. Almost immediately, the monkey comes back in a flash, dips his tail and runs away

"Well, once is barely funny. Twice is wearing thin on my sense of humor." Still, he decides to order another one anyway. Of course, as soon as the waiter leaves the table, the same thing happens again.

Angrily, the man gets up and walks to the pianist, who was playing lazily next to him and says, "Do you know the little monkey who dips his tail in my cognac?"

"Why, no." Says the pianist. "But if you hum me a few bars I can play it for you."

0 people have rated this joke:

0.00/10


	():bar jokes (2610): Jackass in the bar

Posted by cherry lover on 13-Aug-2005

Jackass in the bar

A guy goes into a pub, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender passes the drink to him and says "Here you go, Jackass". The guy drinks up and ask's, How about another? The second drink comes and again, the bartender says, "Here you go, Jackass".

Another man at the bar turns and says to the first man, "Why do you let this bartender call you Jackass?"

The man replies, "Heeaww, Heeaww He always calls me that!"

0 people have rated this joke:

0.00/10


	():bar jokes (2610): Drinking Problem

Posted by Pikachu Pikachu on 13-Aug-2005

Drinking Problem

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this."

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My Brother and my Wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."

The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.

Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.

"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good." He sputtered.

"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good."

"But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed.

"Yes." The man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore."

0 people have rated this joke:

0.00/10


	():bar jokes (2610): Waiting for a drink

Posted by Jessica Tedesco on 13-Aug-2005

Waiting for a drink

Three men were waiting outside a pub for it to open so they could have drink when a policeman came upto them and asked why they were waiting there. The men told him they were waiting for it to open and he told them that the new owners couldn't open it till they had thought of name and suggested they thought of a name for it and when they had they came back and told the new owners.

So the three men went away to think of a name for the pub and came back the next day with their suggestions. The first said to the owner, what about the Queen's head? but the owner said, no, too grown up, and the second one suggested the Queen's arms? but the owner didn't like that one either, so the third one said, well what about the queen's legs? And the owner like it, so he decided to name his pub the Queen's legs.

The next day, the same three men were waiting outside the pub for it to open and the same policeman came up to them and again asked them why they were waiting and one replied 'we're waiting for the Queen's legs to open so we can have a drink!'

0 people have rated this joke:

0.00/10