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():nerd jokes (650): General Announcements (Navy)


Posted by Ned Ryerson on 13-Aug-2005

General Announcements (Navy)

Said to be true:

There was a boatswain's mate named Johnny Johnson in the first division and he stood watches inport on the quarterdeck and on the bridge at sea. Some of his announcements on the 1MC (general announcement PA system) were classics ---

In port, tied up to a pier in New York City:

'Now sweepahs sweepahs start your brooms. Sweep down all lower decks, ladders, and passageways. Empty all shit cans ovah da fantail.'

A very pregnant pause 'Delay dat word on shit cans, empty all shit cans on da pier!'

Another pause, now he's obviously reading something written by the OOD (Officer of the Deck).

'Delay dat word on shit cans, empty all trash *receptacles* into the *containers* provided on the pier.'

This was a different day but he was piping 'general visiting'

'Now all hands rig for genrahl visitin! All hands is reminded to watch der language, we got cunt aboard.'


   

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():nerd jokes (650): Infant weight


Posted by Rhody J. Corcoran on 13-Aug-2005

Infant weight

At a pharmacy, Judi asked to use the infant scale to weigh the baby she held in her arms. The clerk explained that the device was out for repairs, but said that she would figure the infant's weight by weighing Judi and baby together on the adult scale, then weighing the mother alone and subtracting the second amount from the first.

'It won't work,' Judi countered. 'I'm not the mother, I'm the aunt.'


   

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():nerd jokes (650): Different horses


Posted by Ben T. Halbig on 13-Aug-2005

Different horses

Jon bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that he cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again.

The neighbor suggested Jon notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart.

The neighbor suggested he measure the horses for height. When he did, he was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.


   

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():nerd jokes (650): The wonders of the new baby


Posted by Coley T. Dyaps on 13-Aug-2005

The wonders of the new baby

One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!"


   

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():nerd jokes (650): Adopting a Russian baby


Posted by Wallee on 13-Aug-2005
Adopting a Russian baby
Morris and Becky were delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Russian baby boy and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him."


   

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():nerd jokes (650): Castration (Ouch!)


Posted by shelby on 13-Aug-2005
Castration (Ouch!)
Fred goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, I want to be castrated."

The doctor says, "Look, I don't know what kind of cult you're into or what your motives are, but I'm not going to do that sort of operation."

Fred replies, "Doc, I just want to be castrated and I'm a little embarrassed about talking about it, but I have $5,000 cash right here. Will you do it?"

The doctor says, "Well, okay, I guess I could make this one exception. I don't understand it, but alright."

He puts Fred to sleep, does the operation and is waiting at the bedside when Fred wakes up. "Well, Doc, how'd it go?" Fred asks.

"It went fine, just fine. It's really not too difficult of an operation. As a matter of fact, $5,000 is a lot to pay for such a simple task and I felt a little guilty about taking that much. So, while I was operating, I also noticed that you had never been circumcised, so I went ahead and did that, too. I think, it's really better for a man to be circumcised, and I hope you don't mind my..."

"Circumcised!" yells Fred. "That's the word!"


   

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