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| Posted by Noppong Suwanvet on 14-Aug-2005 | Genie in the LampOnce upon a time, a young man was walking along the shores of a
beach. As he was walking he happened to stumble upon a lamp.
"Oh!" he exclaimed, and reached down and picked it up. He
rubbed the lamp and a genie came out. "I will give you three
wishes" said the genie, "you may make them whenever you like".
The man was thrilled and replied, "I wish for a billion
dollars!" Poof! He had a suitcase full of money. "I wish for
100 cars!" Poof! He had one hundred Audis, Jags, and Porsches,
all in different colors. The man paused... "I think I'll make
my third wish later." The genie nodded and disappeared. Three
days later, the man was driving around in his blue Jag when
suddenly his favorite song came on the radio. By pure instinct
he began to sing along. "Oh I wish I were an Oscar Mier
Weiner..." Poof! He turned into a hot dog!
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| Posted by Natalie -. Z on 14-Aug-2005 | How Deep Is That Thing?Two guys are walking thru the woods and come across this big
deep hole.
"Wow...that looks deep."
"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it
is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no
noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these great
big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into
the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look
on his face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a
railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT
sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in.
Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like
the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them,
running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in
the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and
ambles over. "Hey... you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You
bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen. It came running like
crazy and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My
goat was chained to a railroad tie."
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| Posted by Ben Hadden on 14-Aug-2005 | overweight planeA plane has to many people in it and it is going to crash if
some people wont jump out. The thing is there are no
parachutes left. The captain says, "Hello passengers. I dont
know how to say this so i'll just say it. We need
3 people to jump out of this plane." The first person to
volunteer is an English man. He says, "Remember England
and the great Queen!" and jumps out of the plane. The next
person to volunteer is a Frenchman. He says,
"Remember France and the great Eiffel Tower!" and jumps out of
the plane. The last person to volenteer is an
American man. Before he jumps out of the plane he says,
"Remember the Alamo!" and throws a Mexican out of the
plane.
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| Posted by Bunny Babe on 14-Aug-2005 | Fun things to do in the mall1.Lie in the middle of the mall, motionless. Scare anyone who
comes near you.
2.Walk up to someone and say "I know where you live. I just
don't know where I live, can you help me?"
3.Start a song
4.Hide in fake plants and throw french fries at people
5.camp out
6.Visit santa several times. try to cut in line.
7.Try on all the shoes in a shoe store.
8.Take the coins people throw in the fountain
9.replace a manakin with yourself
10.Act mentally retarted and go around asking people if they've
seen your baseball
11.Hide and go seek
12.Buy fish from a pet store and release them in the fountain
13.Take a stroller and put a baby doll in it. Run it around at
high speeds and let it go.
14.try to start a cult
15.baptise someone in the fountain
16.steal all the straws and napkins in the food court. sell them
at high prices
17.water fake plants
18."test" the chairs until they kick you out.
19.Take a nap in a display bed
20.Wear cruthes. Fall down and see how many people help you
21.try to "posess" somebody
22.perform an exorcism on an old, grumpy person
23.Have a staring contest with the manakins
24.Get into a violent argument with a manakin
25.sit next to someone on a bench. Then say "did you grab my
ass?"
26.Pretent to be blind. Take a cane and whack people with it
27.wear a sign that says Pony Ride: 25 cents!
28.walk around in an orange jumpsuit.
29.confiscate items that people have already bought
30.Walk up to some one and say proudly "I remembered my pants
today!
By Bink2001 "Funny.com saved my life!"
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| Posted by NoraLora on 14-Aug-2005 | Blind PilotsOn a plane going from Perth to Sydney all the passengers are on
board and the crew are checking that everone is wearing their
seatbelts. But the pilot and co-pilot are not on the plane yet
as everyone can see through the door into the cockpit. Finally
the pilot and co-pilot step on the plane. The pilot is holding
onto a leash that restrains a seeing-eye labrador and the
co-pilot is holding a white cane which he is tapping on the
ground. Both men are wearing thick black glasses. The passengers
laugh nervously, Surely this must be a joke they think as the
pilots walk into the cockpit. the plane begins to run down the
runway. At the end of the runway there is a large lake. The
plane is already half way down the runway and the plane still
hasn't taken off. The passengers begin screaming loudly. Surely
the plane will fall right into the lake. Then the plane takes
off into the air. In the cockpit the co-pilot turns to the pilot
and says.
Co-pilot- Frank, one of these days the passengers are going to
scream too late and then we'll all die.
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| Posted by Amy E. Allendorf on 14-Aug-2005 | Damn fish!A man was selling goods on a market...
Man: Dam fish, get your dam fish!
Vicar: There's no need for language like that, why are you
calling it damn fish, my son?
Man: It was caught in a dam.
Vicar: Oh, that's OK then, I'll have some please.
The vicar goes home to his wife...
Vicar: Cook this dam fish.
Wife: How dare you talk like that, you're a vicar!
Vicar: No, you don't understand, it was caught in a dam.
Wife: Oh! OK.
The wife cooks the fish and half an hour later, they are sitting
down to dinner with their son...
Vicar: Pass the dam fish please, son.
Son: That's the spirit, dad! Now pass the fucking potatoes!
( I apologise for the unfunniness of this joke, it was told to
me by a friend who insisted I put it on this website!)
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