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| Posted by Lucky Lady on 09-Aug-2005 | German Motoring TermIndicators : Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken
Bonnet : Pullnob und Knucklechopper
Exhaust : Spitzenpoppenbangentuben
Speedo : Der Egobooster und Linenshooter
Clutch : Die Kuplink mit schlippen und schaken
Puncture : Die phlatt mit bludyfucken
Learner : Die Twatten mit Elplatz
Estate Car : Der Bagmerroomfurschagginkinauto
Parking Meter : Der Tennerpinscher und Klockenwerr
Windscreen Wiper : Der Flippenflappenmuckenschpredder
Foot Brake : Der Edbangeronvindschreen Stoppenquick
Gear Lever : Biggensticken fur Kangaroochoppen
Breathalyser : Die Puffitintem fur Pistenarsen
Rear View Mirror : Der Yokhunter Tecklosen
Seat Belt : Der Klunkenkilikker Frauleintrapper
Head Lights : Das Dippendontdazzelubasted
Exhaust Fumes : Der Koffenundschittpoluter
Highway Code : Der Wipan fur Arsen
Fog Warning : Die Puttenlegdownen und Fukkitt
Traffic Jam : Die Bluddifukkink Dammundblast
Rear Seat : Der Schpringentester
Tyres : Flattfawrts
Backfire : Der Lowdenbangenmekkenjumpen Juggernaut : Der Fukkengrett Trukken
Accident : Der Bledinmess
Near Accident : Der Fukken Near Schittenselfen
Garage : Der Heiway Robberung
Cyclist : Der Pedallpushink Pilloken
Skid : Der Banannan Waltzen
Double White Lines : Overtakanund Krunchen
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| Posted by Patrick Reyes on 09-Aug-2005 | Newspaper Headlings58 Actual Newspaper Headlines (collected by journalists)
1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies In House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops Off Shelf 16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
21. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
22. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
23. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
24. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
25. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
27. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
28. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
29. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
30. War Dims Hope For Peace
31. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
33. Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
34. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35. Deer Kill 17,000
36. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
39. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
40. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41. Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy
42. Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire
43. British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply
44. Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45. Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46. Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
47. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48. Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
49. Deaf College Opens Doors To Hearing
50. Air Head Fired
51. Steals Clock, Faces Time
52. Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
53. Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni
54. Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board
55. Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
56. Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction
57. Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
58. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
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| Posted by Periwinkle on 09-Aug-2005 | The Mental Health HoA transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the National Mental Health Institute
"hello and welcome to the mental health hotline"
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependant, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Please stay on line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press - no-one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and you mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep; or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up - all our operators are too busy to talk to you.
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| Posted by tazy on 09-Aug-2005 | The Student PrayerThe Lord is my shepherd, I shall not flunk; He keepeth me from lying down when I should be studying. He leadeth me besides the water cooler for a study break; He restores my faith in study guides. He leads me to better study habits. For my grade's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of borderline grades, I will not have a nervous breakdown; For thou art with me; My prayers and my friends, they comfort me. Thou givest me answers in moments of blankness; Thou anointest my head with understanding. My test paper runneth over with questions I recognise. Surely passing grades and flying colours shall follow me All the days of examinations. And I shall not have to dwell in this university Forever! Amen!
(author (sadly) unknown)
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| Posted by Dave Kozlowsky on 09-Aug-2005 | God Plays GolfMoses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the centre of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.
The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
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| Posted by terrys funny on 09-Aug-2005 | Professions ExplaineA banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin)
A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief."
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
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