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| Posted by Axel Bilbao on 09-Aug-2005 | Getting Into HeavenThe pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked, "Where do you want to go?"
"Heaven!" Suzy cried out.
"And what do you have to be to get there?"
asked the preacher.
"Dead!" yelled Little Johnny.
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| Posted by Dan K on 09-Aug-2005 | Stolen TowelsWhen Sam returned to the house one evening, his wife Sarah announced that the new cleaning woman they had hired had stolen two towels.
"Yeah," said Sam very disinterested, and reclining on the sofa, "that wasn't very nice of her to do."
"You're darn right it wasn't," Sarah said.
"And they were the two best towels we had... the ones we got from the Hilton Hotel while we were on vacation."
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| Posted by robby russo on 09-Aug-2005 | Two HorsesI bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbour suggested that I cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and I was stuck again.
The neighbour suggested I notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again I couldn't tell them apart.
The neighbour suggested I measure the horses for height. When I did, I was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black one.
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| Posted by gumby85 on 09-Aug-2005 | Shorter Death RowThe Texas Legislature is now considering a bill that would speed up executions in heinous crimes that had more than three eyewitnesses.
If more than three people saw you do what you did, you don't sit on death row for fifteen years. You go straight to the front of the line.
While other states are trying to abolish the death penalty, Texas is putting in an express lane!
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| Posted by Scott on 09-Aug-2005 | Modern Day RussiaRussian woman walked into an empty Moscow shop. I see you have no vegetables today."
"No", said the shopkeeper, "this is a butcher shop. It's meat we haven't got. The shop with no vegetables is further down the street."
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| Posted by Guillermo Macias on 09-Aug-2005 | Spending a PennyA woman goes to the doctor's and says, "Doctor, Doctor, you have to help me. Every time I go to the bathroom, DIMES come out!"
The doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week.
A week later the woman returns and says, "Doctor, Doctor, it's gotten worse!
Every time I go to the bathroom, QUARTERS come out!! What's wrong with me?"
Again the doctor tells her to relax, go home, rest with her feet up and come back in a week.
Another week passes and the woman returns and yells, "Doctor, Doctor, I'm still not getting better! Every time I go to the bathroom, HALF-DOLLARS come out! WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME?!!"
The doctor says, "Relax, Relax,... you're just going through the change!
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