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():other funny jokes (4827): Getting Older


Posted by Jayla M. McLeod on 09-Aug-2005

Getting Older

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived, because our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.

When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and fluorescent 'spokey dokey's on our wheels.??????

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags, riding in the passenger seat was a treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from bottles and it tasted the same.

We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no-one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.

After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and no one minded.

We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, and no Internet chat rooms. We had friends we went outside and found them.

We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones but there were no law suits.

We had full on fist fights but no prosecution followed from other parents.

We played knock-and-run and were actually afraid of the owners catching us.

We walked to friend's homes.

We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school; we didn't rely on mummy or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls.

We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law unheard of. They actually sided with the law.

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever.

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

And you're one of them. Congratulations!

Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow as real kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good.

For those of you who aren't old enough thought you might like to read about us.

This my friends, is surprisingly frightening......and it might put a smile on your face: The majority of students in universities today were born in 1983........They are called youth.

They have never heard of "We are the World, We are the children", and the "Uptown Girl", they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel.

They have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena or Belinda?????? Carlisle.

For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam.

AIDS has existed since they were born.

CD's have existed since they were born.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance.

They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are Films from last year.

They can never imagine life before computers.

They'll never have pretended to be the A Team, Red Hand Gang or the Famous Five.

They can't believe a black and white television ever existed and don't even know how to switch on a TV without a remote control.

And they will never understand how we could leave he house without a mobile phone.

Now let's check if we're getting old...

1. You understand what was written above and you smile.

2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night out.

3. Your friends are getting married/already married.

4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably with computers.

5. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head.

6. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about the good old days, repeating again all the funny you have experienced together.

7. Having read this mail, you are thinking of forwarding it to some other friends because you think they will like it too...

Yes, you're getting older!!!!

Submitted by Sai1ram
Edited by Curtis

   

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():other funny jokes (4827): Medical bloopers


Posted by Tuck on 09-Aug-2005

Medical bloopers

Medical bloopers on patients charts

1. "Bleeding began in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles."

2. "Patient came in today complaining of chronic vaginal affection."

3. "Since she can't conceive I've sent her to a futility expert."

4. "Surgery will be performed under General Anastasia."

5. "I saw your patient yesterday, who's still under our car for physical therapy."

6. "I've asked him to call and let me know who he's feeling this week."

7. "There was some concern about financial matters, but the patient was told she could apply for pubic assistance."

8. "After her last child she had her tubs tied."

9. "Infection resulted after she pimped a few popples."

10. "Rectal exam reveals normal-size thyroid."

11. "Social history reveals this 1 year old patient does not smoke or drink and is presently unemployed."

12. "Patient called and left word that he had expired last week."

13. "When she fainted her eyes rolled around the room."

14. "While she was in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home."

15. "Prior to surgery she was prepped and raped in the usual fashion."

16. "He's rather sedentary and drives a bust all day."

17. "This chubby youngster needs a slim adult to look up to as a role model."

18. "Both her old and new noses have been placed in our album."

19. "I keep reassuring her that her memory will improve, but again today she forgot to pay her bill."

20. "Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus-sized."

21. "I told her that for the time being she'll have to bare with me."

22. "His prognosis was poor, having a massive cerebral hemorrhoid."

23. "He's a ten month old male who called on the day of admission to complain that his asthma was worse and he still has left otitis media."

24. "Patient is to remain plastered for the next 6 to 8 weeks."

25. "She got my instructions messed up and cut out all exercise and increased her sweets."

26. "Following the exam of her breasts we discussed the impending nasal surgery."

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
   

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():other funny jokes (4827): Wash those twice


Posted by - illiane - on 09-Aug-2005

Wash those twice

Men and women translate things totally differently.

When a woman comes up to a man and says, "I'm not wearing any underwear",

The man is thinking, "Alright! Might get lucky tonight!"

But, if a man comes up to a woman and says, "I'm not wearing any underwear,"

The woman is thinking "Good Lord! I have to wash those pants TWICE!"

Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis
   

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():other funny jokes (4827): Opposite


Posted by Brent Salfen on 09-Aug-2005

Opposite

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," said she.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up!"

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
   

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():other funny jokes (4827): Funny signs


Posted by Beth Henry on 09-Aug-2005
Funny signs
Sign over a gynecologist's office "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

At a military hospital door to endoscopy: "To expedite your visit, please back in."

On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a laundry shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet .... miss car payment."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary we hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a propane filling station: "Tank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago radiator shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

Submitted by Sai1ram
Edited by Yisman
   

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():other funny jokes (4827): Restroom talk


Posted by brandi l. stefanelli on 09-Aug-2005
Restroom talk
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me. I answered, somewhat embarrassedly: "Doin just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So, what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking that this is way too bizarre so I say, "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

Can I come over to your place after while?

Ok, this question is just wacky, but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.

I tell him, "Well, I have company over, so today is a bad day for me!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously... "LISTEN!!! I'll have to call you back, there's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions, bye!"

Submitted by Sai1ram
Edited by Curtis
   

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