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| Posted by Josh Morton on 09-Aug-2005 | Gold BarA man went out drinking with his friends and came home the next morning to find his wife waiting for him.
He apologized for worrying her but proceeded to tell her that he had been in the most elegant bar in the world! "Everything was gold.. the carpets, the glasses, the cutlery, the curtains and even the urinal. Here... I have a book of matches in my pocket. Phone if you don't believe me."
The incredulous wife did just that and asked the manager, "Is everything in your establishment really gold?"
"Yes," he replied, "everything is gold colored."
" Even the urinal?" she queried.
The manager put his hand over the phone and said to his bartender, "This is the wife of that guy who relieved himself in the tuba last night."
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| Posted by TommyGirl4 on 09-Aug-2005 | Guess The NameA man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "Hi stranger, my name is Mike. I'll give you a free beer if you can guess the name of this bar in three tries."
The man says, "Thanks...Mike's Place?"
"Nope."
"Mike's Tavern?"
"No,"
"Mike's Pub?"
"No, but here's a free beer anyway. Nobody ever get's it. The joint's name is Sally's Leggs!
"That's a good one." the man says and proceeds to get royally ripped.
The next morning the man is still drunk and sitting on a curb, when a cop pulls up and ask's him what he is doing there.
He responds, "I'm just waiting for Sally's Leggs to open, so I can wet my whistle!"
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| Posted by Alien Offspring on 09-Aug-2005 | Two-bit WhoreA guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?"
The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore."
"Yeah," says the bartender. "What did she do?"
"She hit me with her bag of quarters!"
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| Posted by amanda m. fuentes on 09-Aug-2005 | A Beautiful ThingMy god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
"I got in a tiff with Riley."
"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was."
"Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"
"Aye, that I did, Mrs. Riley's tit," Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight."
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| Posted by Robert F. Maar on 09-Aug-2005 | Drunk Lady In BarA lady stumbles into a bar.
She says, "Beertender, give me a dribble martuni, and put a pickle in it."
He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.
She says, "Beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and put a pickle in it." He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.
She says, "Beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and you better put two pickles in it, because... because I've got heartburn."
The bartender says, "Look, lady...it's not beertender, it's bartender. It's not a martuni, it's a martini. It's not a dribble, it's a double. That's not a pickle, it's an onion. And you haven't got heartburn, "
You have your left tit in the Ashtray!"
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| Posted by rochy on 09-Aug-2005 | Charge By The InchHaving had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side.
An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey ! How about it babe ? You and me ?"
As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."
She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch ?"
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