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| Posted by Tiger07 on 09-Aug-2005 | Golf LessonsA husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first.
After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?"
asks the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.
The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.
The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?"
asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis.
"The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft.
"That was great," the pro says.
"Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you're supposed to!" says the pro.
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| Posted by Raymond m. Dawood on 09-Aug-2005 | Palm Beach PokeyThe Palm Beach Pokey
You put your stylus in, You put your stylus out, You put your stylus in, And you punch Buchanan out.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey And you turn the count around, That's what it's all about!
You put the Gore votes in, You put the Bush votes out, You put the Gore votes in, And you do another count.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey and you turn the count around, That's what it's all about!
You bring your lawyers in, You drag the whole thing out, You bring your lawyers in, And you put it all in doubt.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey And you turn the vote around, That's what it's all about!
You let your doctors spin, You let the pundits spout, You let your doctors spin, And your people whine and pout.
You do the Palm Beach Pokey And you turn the count around, That's what it's all about!
You do the Palm Beach Pokey, You do the Palm Beach Pokey, You do the Palm Beach Pokey, That's what it's all about!
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| Posted by Ziggy2002 on 09-Aug-2005 | NOTICE OF REVOCATIONNOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
To the citizens of the United States of America,
In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The right honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys.
"Merde" is French for "sh*t".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us bonkers.
Thank you for your co-operation.
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| Posted by DIRRTYbarbie on 09-Aug-2005 | Timber InjuryA lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.
He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry lady demanded, " What took you so long?"
The unperturbed doctor replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."
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| Posted by Sperplin on 09-Aug-2005 | Boy or Girl?In the maternity ward of a hospital, new-born girl baby looks over at new-born boy baby and asks, "Are you a girl baby or a boy baby?"
The boy baby quickly chirps up, "I'm a boy baby!"
"How can you tell?"
asks girl baby.
"Easy," says boy baby. And, with that, he threw off the blankets, hoisted up his itty-bitty night-shirt and proudly pointed downward.
"See.....blue booties"
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| Posted by LuckieDuckie713 on 09-Aug-2005 | Oyster Eater"Ever since I ate those oysters last night, my stomach's been giving me fits!"
"Were they fresh oysters?
"How would I know?"
"Did they smell unusual when you took them out of the shell?
"You mean I was supposed to take them out of the shell???"
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