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| Posted by Cloeyhailey M. Matthews on 14-Aug-2005 | Golf WifeMaurie was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.
"It's the wife" said Maurie.
"As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week"
"Well you should think yourself lucky" said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!"
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| Posted by Eddy on 14-Aug-2005 | Brainless Sports QuotesWho says athletes aren't as intelligent as rocket scientists?
1992 Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."
1987 Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
1982 Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."
1996 Lou Duva, Veteran boxing trainer, on the spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
1981 Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back."
1976 Alex Hawkins, recalling his playing days against Dick Butkus: "Whenever they gave him the game ball, he ate it."
1966 Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries this season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?"
1981 Mike McCormack , coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time."
1966 Red Auerbach, the Boston Celtics' general manager, asked if he had any criticism of Bill Russell's coaching: "He has the players too happy."
1971 Mike Lucci, Detroit Lion linebacker, on his three key interceptions against the Chicago Bears: "Yeah, they gave me the game ball. If they hadn't given it to me, I would have taken it anyway."
1991 Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet."
1986 Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating."
1991 Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker."
1976 Greg Buttle, New York Jet linebacker, explaining his contractual obligations: "They pay me to practice. Sundays I play for free."
1996 Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot."
1991 Jim Colletto, Purdue football coach and former assistant at Arizona State and Ohio State, on his 11-year-old son's reaction after he took the job with the Boilermakers: "He said: 'Gosh, Dad, that mean's we're not going to any more bowl games.'"
1986 LaVell Edwards, BYU football coach and one of 14 children: "They can't fire me because my family buys too many tickets."
1981 Dorothy Shula, on the career dedication of her husband, the Miami Dolphins' coach: "I'm fairly confident that if I died tomorrow, Don would find a way to preserve me until the season was over and he had time for a nice funeral."
1976 Mike Newlin, Houston Rocket guard, after a game his team lost to the New York Nets: "We were the quintessence of athletic atrocity."
1971 Tom Workman, former NBA-ABA basketball player: "They tell you to join the NBA and see all the big cities: New York with all the lights, San Francisco with its night life, San Diego's sunshine. They also say join the ABA and see the U.S.A. Unfortunately, I found this included Steubenville, Ohio; Amarillo, Texas; Elko, Nevada; Cedar City, Utah; and Biloxi, Mississippi."
1966 Jim Camp, George Washington football coach, on why he doesn't use a lonely end: "We train by a parkway, which runs beside a river. If we had a lonely end, he either would be hit by a car or drown."
1976 Hugh Campbell, football coach at Whitworth College in Spokane, Wash., after his team had defeated Whitman 70-30: "It wasn't as easy as you think. It's hard to stay awake that long."
1991 Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
1986 Jeff Kemp, 49ers quarterback, when asked about his rapport with wide receiver Jerry Rice: "Rapport? You mean like, 'You run as fast as you can, and I'll throw it as far as I can?'"
1966 Tom Nissalke, New coach of the NBA's Houston Rockets, when asked, during a question-and-answer session with a group of fans, how he pronounced his name: "Tom."
1991 Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
1976 Abe Lemons, University of Texas basketball coach, when asked if he felt his team should be ranked in the Top Twenty this season: "You mean in the state?"
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| Posted by Alex Feterman on 14-Aug-2005 | Overheard at the bridge table"Lay down and let's see what you've got."
"I've got strength but no length."
"Take your hand off my trick!"
"You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise."
"Now it's time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine."
"I have to protect my honour now."
"Well, I guess we'll go home now. This is the last rubber."
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| Posted by henry on 14-Aug-2005 | Gotcha...Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "since you're obviously much better than I, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'."
The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it. And off they went. Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.
"What happened?" asked one of the members.
"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed my balls while yelling 'Gotcha!' Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
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| Posted by goin' wild on 14-Aug-2005 | Hurt Golfer2 women were playing golf. On the third hole there was a 4 men in front of them but about 175 yards down the fairway. The first woman said i'll tee off he is far enough away. She hit the drive of her life, like a shot straight down the faraway. She screamed fore at the top of her lungs and as the men turned one was hit solidly.
He was rolling on the ground in pain with his hands between his legs. She ran to him, apologizing and saying "let me help I am a physical therapist."
He protested but she got him to put his hands at his side. She unzipped his pants and began massaging him. "How does that feel?" she asked.
He said, "Great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
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():sport jokes (950): Top 10 Ways to Make Hockey More Exciting |
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| Posted by Kelsey D. Dowswell on 14-Aug-2005 | Top 10 Ways to Make Hockey More Exciting10. Goalie removes an article of clothing for each goal allowed.
9. If the Zamboni goes less than 50 mph it blows up.
8. Canadians must play in bare feet.
7. Replace hockey sticks with live flamingos.
6. Just barely visible under the ice: the frozen body of Walt Disney.
5. At some point in every game - exciting police chase in the stands.
4. Actually have Jason from "Friday the 13th" skating around in his hockey mask trying to kill guys.
3. Instead of an ice rink, a huge red-hot griddle covered in bacon grease.
2. One word: blindfolds.
1. Lose the puck and goals - and make it a 4 period free-for-all.
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