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| Posted by Cloeyhailey M. Matthews on 14-Aug-2005 | Golf WifeMaurie was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a twelve inch putt, his partner asked him what the problem was.
"It's the wife" said Maurie.
"As you know, she's taken up golf, and since she's been playing, she's cut my sex down to once a week"
"Well you should think yourself lucky" said his partner. "She's cut some of us out altogether!"
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| Posted by Erika on 14-Aug-2005 | One Time ShotA retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
"Uh. . .you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.
"Oh great! Now you tell me," said the beginner in a disgusted tone.
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| Posted by Mr. Crapspew on 14-Aug-2005 | At the RacesHorses in the race are:
1. Passionate Lady
6. Clean Sheets
2. Bare Belly
7. Thighs
3. Silk Panties
8. Big Johnson
4. Conscience
9. Heavy Bosum
5. Jockey Shorts
10. Merry Cherry
At the Post:
They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosum is being pressured. Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot. At the Halfway Mark It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in. Heavy Bosum is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson. At The Stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Johnson is making a final drive. Passionate Lady is coming. At The Finish Its Big Johnson giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and wins by a head. Heavy Bosum weakens and Thighs pullup.
Clean Sheets never had a chance.........
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| Posted by Jon-Jon on 14-Aug-2005 | College FootballA college football coach had recruited a top talent, but the player couldn't pass the school's entrance exam. Needing the recruit badly, the coach went to the dean and asked if the recruit could take the test orally.
The dean agreed, and the following day the recruit and the coach were seated in his office. "Okay," the dean said. "What is seven times seven?"
The recruit mulled it over for a moment, then said, "I think it's 49."
Suddenly the coach leapt to his feet. "Please, Dean," he begged, "give him another chance!"
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| Posted by shadowarrior shadow on 14-Aug-2005 | Dangerous Golf CoursesThe next time you complain about that tricky water hole on your favorite golf course, just be glad it isn't filled with crocodiles. According to the April issue of Men's Health magazine, here are the 10 most dangerous golf courses around the world:
Lost City Golf Course, Sun City, South Africa: The 13th green is fronted by a stone pit filled with crocodiles, some stretching up to 15 feet long.
Elephant Hills Country Club, Victoria Falls, Zimbabwe: The fairways are sometimes marked by craters caused by mortar shells fired across the Zambezi River.
Compton Par-3 Golf Course, Compton, California: If you like high caliber excitement, this is your place. Home to Crips versus Bloods, Ryder Cup-style competition.
Machrie Hotel Golf Course, Islay, Scotland: On this old-fashioned, lay of the land links, virtually every drive and approach is blind, played over huge sand dunes. Incoming!
Scholl Canyon Golf Course, Glendale, California: Built on a landfill, it ran into difficulties when golfers snagged clubs on buried tires and methane gas rose up from the divots. They now pump the gas to the local power company.
Pelham Bay and Split Rock golf courses, Bronx, New York: Pelham's remote location makes it ideal for dumping unfortunate souls. In a recent 10-year period, 13 bodies were said to have been found.
Singapore Island Country Club, Singapore: In the 1982 Singapore Open, pro Jim Stewart encountered a 10-foot cobra. He killed it, only to watch in horror as another emerged from its mouth.
Beachwood Golf Course, Natal, South Africa: Mrs. Molly Whitaker successfully executed a bunker shot here a few years back, but was then attacked by a monkey who leaped from the bush and tried to strangle her. An alert caddie dispatched the ape.
Plantation Golf and Country Club, Gretna, Louisiana: With 18 holes shoved into 61 acres (less than half the norm) players must huddle against protective fencing while awaiting their turn.
Lundin Links, Fife, Scotland: Enjoyable links near St. Andrews, unless you're Harold Wallace, who in 1950 was hit by a train while crossing the tracks beyond the fifth green.
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():sport jokes (950): The Top 13 Signs You've Joined the Wrong Martial Arts School (Part II) |
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| Posted by Conrad Gryba on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Signs You've Joined the Wrong Martial Arts School (Part II)13. Your dojo's symbol is a bullseye target.
12. First demonstration consists of falling to the floor, curling into the fetal position, and whimpering pitifully.
11. Frequent pauses while instructor tearfully stops to right his spilled pocket protector.
10. The "gees" are used hospital gowns, and the "throwing stars" are just slices of old cheese.
9. The homework is always just to watch a Jackie Chan movie.
8. The techniques are only effective if your attacker is one of the Three Stooges.
7. Instructor's low fees enhanced by take from one-on-one "pop quizzes" in dark alleys.
6. Benihana has a restraining order against your instructor.
5. Local muggers gather in the parking lot waiting for class to end.
4. Current students bark out on cue the phrase "Insurance does not exist in this dojo!"
3. You take yourself to the mat 4 out of 5 times simply trying to tie your belt on.
2. Sensei's "ancient Chinese secret" required notifying the neighbors when he moved in.
1. Did Confucius ever really say he was "going to open up a can of whoop-ass" on someone?
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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