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| Posted by Matt A. Rogers on 13-Aug-2005 | GolfingOne lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
Ben searches diligently thought the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here."
Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Ben?"
Ben shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can't get out of here with an 8-iron."
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():sport jokes (950): Top Ten Signs It's Time to Retire From Boxing |
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| Posted by Tr Howes on 13-Aug-2005 | Top Ten Signs It's Time to Retire From Boxing
10. Blows to the jaw often cause your entire head to fly off.
9. Your last match was promoted as "The Snooza in Tuscaloosa."
8. When you hear the bell, you shout, "Is it dinner time, mommy?"
7. Left hook is severely hampered by your I.V. drip.
6. Instead of "Let's get ready to rumble!" announcer says, "Let's watch the geezer get his ass kicked!"
5. Your main strategy: distract opponents with cute pictures of your grandchildren.
4. Recently broke your hip putting on boxing trunks.
3. Opponent's glove keeps getting caught in your rolls of fat.
2. Your idea of a one-two combo is Metamucil and a nap.
1. Mike Tyson chipped a tooth on your hearing aid.
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| Posted by Grace Littlehales on 13-Aug-2005 | Good Golf Manners
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.
The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in obvious agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, noooo... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage his privates.
She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
He replied still in agony, "It feels great, but it doesn't do a thing for my thumb. It still hurts like hell!"
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():sport jokes (950): The Top 9 Signs Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site |
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| Posted by StrikerSixer76 on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 9 Signs Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site9. IOC members seem unconcerned over scheduling conflicts due to the yachting, diving and swimming events all being held in the 34th Street YMCA pool.
8. All 75 of the new hires in the mayor's office are named Ingrid or Sven.
7. After Philadelphia lands the Summer Games, Juan Antonio Samaranch sports a hood ornament that looks strangely like the Liberty Bell.
6. Only someone bribed with hookers and college tuition wouldn't think the term "New York City Hospitality Committee" is an oxymoron.
5. Karl Malone is now playing forward for the Utah Samaranches.
4. T-shirt for sale in the hotel lobby: "My dad went to Salt Lake City, and all I got was this T-shirt and college tuition."
3. "Miss Salt Lake" for 1999 requires a translator to deliver her coronation speech.
2. New Olympic mascots: Vinny and Knuckles.
1. The IOC suddenly decides to change the official cycling uniforms to white shirts and ties.
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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():sport jokes (950): The Top 20 Signs You're Not at the Real Olympics |
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| Posted by Jared Simons on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 20 Signs You're Not at the Real Olympics20> You're running the 100-meter dash against Scooby Doo and
Shaggy.
19> Budweiser bottles take their positions on the starting
blocks.
18> The Dream Team has Michael... but it also has Tito, Germaine,
Janet and LaToya.
17> Official Olympic program sprinkled liberally with poorly
typeset ads for Shorty's Ribs.
16> Banner reading, "Sponsored by High Times Magazine."
15> So-called Olympic "torch" closely resembles a Coleman
lantern.
14> Disproportionate number of athletes named Corky.
13> Opening ceremonies consist of tapping a keg and
releasing the weasel.
12> Swim coach insists you shave off *his* body hair.
11> Decathlete disqualified for not using a standard table
spoon in the potato relay.
10> Water tables along marathon route handing out shots
of Jaegermeister.
9> Competing countries include Oz and the People's
Republic of Hawaii.
8> Rules of 400-meter relay require you to chase a
mechanical rabbit.
7> America's best hope for boxing gold? Stallone and
DeNiro.
6> You're pulled out of the crowd to run the 4x100 meter relay
after the original anchor goes into labor.
5> Crack open that gold medal -- it's choc-o-licious!
4> 10-meter platform dive replaced with tire swing competition.
3> Alpha Theta fails in bid for fourth consecutive gold medal in
distance vomiting.
2> Winner of the long jump? Not Carl, but *Emmanuel*
Lewis.
1> Basketball halftime score: Klingons 35, Romulans 32.
[ The Top 5
List
www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1996, 2005 by Chris
White ]
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