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():sport jokes (950): Golfing


Posted by Matt A. Rogers on 13-Aug-2005

Golfing

One lovely morning, Ben and Thomas were out golfing. Ben slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.

Ben searches diligently thought the thick underbrush and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Ben excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: "Hey Thomas, come here, I got big trouble down here."

Thomas comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: "What's the matter Ben?"

Ben shouts back in a nervous voice: "Throw me my 7-iron! Looks like you can't get out of here with an 8-iron."
   

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():sport jokes (950): Top Ten Signs It's Time to Retire From Boxing


Posted by Tr Howes on 13-Aug-2005

Top Ten Signs It's Time to Retire From Boxing


10. Blows to the jaw often cause your entire head to fly off.
9. Your last match was promoted as "The Snooza in Tuscaloosa."
8. When you hear the bell, you shout, "Is it dinner time, mommy?"
7. Left hook is severely hampered by your I.V. drip.
6. Instead of "Let's get ready to rumble!" announcer says, "Let's watch the geezer get his ass kicked!"
5. Your main strategy: distract opponents with cute pictures of your grandchildren.
4. Recently broke your hip putting on boxing trunks.
3. Opponent's glove keeps getting caught in your rolls of fat.
2. Your idea of a one-two combo is Metamucil and a nap.
1. Mike Tyson chipped a tooth on your hearing aid.

   

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():sport jokes (950): Good Golf Manners


Posted by Grace Littlehales on 13-Aug-2005

Good Golf Manners


A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.

The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in obvious agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, noooo... I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage his privates.

She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

He replied still in agony, "It feels great, but it doesn't do a thing for my thumb. It still hurts like hell!"

   

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():sport jokes (950): Skiing Surprise


Posted by Jimmy T. Wuth on 13-Aug-2005

Skiing Surprise

A woman and her husband decided to go on a skiing trip one weekend. They rode the ski lift to the top of the mountain, and were preparing to go down. The woman suddenly announced that she needed to use the restroom, and NOW. Her husband told her that since the coast was clear, she could just hide behind a tree and go.

Well, the woman had her pants down around her ankles when she suddenly began going down the mountain. She hit a tree on the way down and broke her leg and her arm and had several other bumps and bruises.

When she awoke at the hospital, she was surprised to see another man who was dressed in a skiing outfit and also looked as if he had been in a skiing accident. The woman was very curious about this man, so she asked him what happen.

You'll never believe it, he told her. I was just skiing down the mountain, and a woman went by with her pants around her ankles, and I crashed into a bush.


   

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():sport jokes (950): The Top 9 Signs Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site


Posted by StrikerSixer76 on 14-Aug-2005
The Top 9 Signs Your City Used Bribes to Become an Olympic Site
9. IOC members seem unconcerned over scheduling conflicts due to the yachting, diving and swimming events all being held in the 34th Street YMCA pool.

8. All 75 of the new hires in the mayor's office are named Ingrid or Sven.

7. After Philadelphia lands the Summer Games, Juan Antonio Samaranch sports a hood ornament that looks strangely like the Liberty Bell.

6. Only someone bribed with hookers and college tuition wouldn't think the term "New York City Hospitality Committee" is an oxymoron.

5. Karl Malone is now playing forward for the Utah Samaranches.

4. T-shirt for sale in the hotel lobby: "My dad went to Salt Lake City, and all I got was this T-shirt and college tuition."

3. "Miss Salt Lake" for 1999 requires a translator to deliver her coronation speech.

2. New Olympic mascots: Vinny and Knuckles.

1. The IOC suddenly decides to change the official cycling uniforms to white shirts and ties.


[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
   

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():sport jokes (950): The Top 20 Signs You're Not at the Real Olympics


Posted by Jared Simons on 14-Aug-2005
The Top 20 Signs You're Not at the Real Olympics
20> You're running the 100-meter dash against Scooby Doo and Shaggy.

19> Budweiser bottles take their positions on the starting blocks.

18> The Dream Team has Michael... but it also has Tito, Germaine, Janet and LaToya.

17> Official Olympic program sprinkled liberally with poorly typeset ads for Shorty's Ribs.

16> Banner reading, "Sponsored by High Times Magazine."

15> So-called Olympic "torch" closely resembles a Coleman lantern.

14> Disproportionate number of athletes named Corky.

13> Opening ceremonies consist of tapping a keg and releasing the weasel.

12> Swim coach insists you shave off *his* body hair.

11> Decathlete disqualified for not using a standard table spoon in the potato relay.

10> Water tables along marathon route handing out shots of  Jaegermeister.

9> Competing countries include Oz and the People's Republic of Hawaii.

8> Rules of 400-meter relay require you to chase a mechanical rabbit.

7> America's best hope for boxing gold?  Stallone and DeNiro.

6> You're pulled out of the crowd to run the 4x100 meter relay after the original anchor goes into labor.

5> Crack open that gold medal -- it's choc-o-licious!

4> 10-meter platform dive replaced with tire swing competition.

3> Alpha Theta fails in bid for fourth consecutive gold medal in distance vomiting.

2> Winner of the long jump?  Not Carl, but *Emmanuel* Lewis.

1> Basketball halftime score: Klingons 35, Romulans 32.




             [   The Top 5 List      www.topfive.com   ]
             [   Copyright 1996, 2005 by Chris White   ] 
   

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