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| Posted by Some One on 14-Aug-2005 | Gone Fishin'A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department
store. In fact, it was the biggest store in the world - you could get
anything there.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked the
cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you
when we close up.
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came
around.
The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One" said the young salesman.
"Only one" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale worth?"
"One hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars" said the
young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish
hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him
a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where
he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably
need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that
twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen
probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department
and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that
to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman. "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his
wife and I said to him,"Your weekend's fucked, you may as well go fishing."
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| Posted by nate f. gayfag on 10-Aug-2005 | Caddy jokesGolfer: Notice any improvement since last year?
Caddy: Polished your clubs, didn't you?
Golfer: Why do you keep looking at your watch?
Caddy: This isn't a watch, sir. It's a compass.
Golfer: The doctor says I can't play golf.
Caddy: Oh, he's played with you, too, huh?
"Caddy, why didn't you see where that ball went?"
"Well, it doesn't usually go anywhere, Mr. Smith. You caught me off guard."
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| Posted by toby666 on 14-Aug-2005 | Wish to Build a WallThere's a Chelsea fan, a Manchester Utd and a Liverpool fan
walking along a beach. The Chelsea fan trips over something half
buried in the sand. Sure enough, in true joke fasion, it's a
magic lamp, and the Chelsea fan rubs it. Poooof! A genie appears
and grants him 3 wishes. He decides to give his friends a wish
each and the Chelsea fan goes first.
"We've had a ban run in Europe this season so next year, I want
to qualify for the Champions League and win it."
A click of the genie's fingers and the wish is duly granted.
Next it's the Manc's turn.
"Right, our kid.", he says to the genie," I want a fucking great
big wall all the way around Manchester to keep those Scouse
bastards out!"
"Granted!" booms the genie, and the wall appears around
Manchester.
Finally, the Scouser steps up and asks, "This wall...how high is
it?"
"200 feet high" answers the genie.
"Any doors in it" continues the quizical Liverpool fan.
"Nope."
"Windows?"
"Nope."
"Right!", says the Scouser, "Flood the Bastard!"
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| Posted by anthony barrios on 11-Aug-2005 | FishingTony and Harold, two avid fisherman and well-known drunks, were out in a boat on their favorite lake one day drowning some worms and polishing off some brews.
Suddenly, Tony got what he thought was a nibble.
Reeling it in he found a bottle with a cork in it.
Naturally curious, he uncorked the bottle and a large genie appeared.
The genie said " I will grant you one wish." Tony thought for a second and said " I wish this whole lake was beer."
Poof! His wish came true. The lake was now filled with their favorite brew. Harold looked at Tony in disgust and said " You asshole, now we have to piss in the boat."
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| Posted by NIMRA on 11-Aug-2005 | Skiing AccidentA friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over. The "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.
If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know That a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So with time running out, she weighed her options.
Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would ever notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skies so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had the skies positioned the wrong way.
Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without any warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and on to the slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while she continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual sight for the other skiers.
The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was she broke her arm and was unable to pull up the ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nude show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.
In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with a broken leg was put in a bed next to hers.
"So, how'd you break your leg?" She asked, making small talk.
"It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said "I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backwards out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift."
"So how'd you break your arm?"
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| Posted by Lisa S. Shn on 11-Aug-2005 | Stung by a BeeA woman runs into the golf course pro shop and screams, "I was just stung by a bee!"
The golf pro asks, "Where?"
Still screaming, the woman replies, "Between the first and second hole."
The pro scratches his head for a moment and replies, "It sounds like your stance is too wide."
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