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| Posted by Max Margulies on 13-Aug-2005 | Good Christmas GiftA young man wished to buy a pair of gloves for his sweetheart's birthday. So he went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest gloves available, and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered with a note.
While wrapping up the gloves, a clerk accidentally mixed up the order and sent a pair of panties instead.
Here is the note the young man wrote to his sweetheart: Darling, I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but because your sister wears the short ones that are so easy to remove, I decided to get the same style for you. Although these are a delicate shade, the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks, and they hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on for me and she really looked smart... I wish I could be there to put them on for you for the first time. No doubt, many other hands will touch them before I see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow on them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. And be sure to keep them on while cleaning them so they won't shrink. Just think how many times I will kiss then during the coming year! I hope you like them and will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love, Hollingsworth
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
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():holiday jokes (333): The Top 18 Signs the Santa at the Mall is Nuts |
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| Posted by Smiley Gal on 13-Aug-2005 | The Top 18 Signs the Santa at the Mall is Nuts18. Shaves head and beard, then insists on being called "Santa Kurtz."
17. Tells kids about the comparative kill ratio of the AK-47 over the Daisy Air Rifle.
16. Those nasty chewing tobacco streaks in his beard.
15. Has a complimentary tray of North Pole "Tundra Oysters" ready for the toddlers.
14. After every child's request, asks, "Wouldn't you rather have a nice big bag of clams?"
13. The twinkle in his eye and the twitch of his nose are due to a lack of medication.
12. Every so often, snaps into a Slim Jim and growls, "You've been bad and now you're going down, punk!"
11. Actually enjoys it when small children urinate on his lap.
10. Promises children O.J. will be cleared of all wrongdoing.
9. Caught drinking red wine with fish during break.
8. "Hey kid, bet I can wet my pants faster than you can!"
7. Insists on blowing his nose in children's hair.
6. Despite massive photographic evidence to the contrary, claims to have never worn white gloves or shiny black boots.
5. That snowy beard? Nothin' but nose hair.
4. Answers every child's toy request with "Dream on, PeeWee!"
3. When a child wets on his lap, he returns the favor.
2. Instead of a candy cane, gives each kid a pack of Marlboros and a homemade venison pie.
1. While it's admittedly a nifty trick, blowing smoke rings out of his tracheotomy hole is just scaring the hell out of the kiddies.
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():holiday jokes (333): 25 Ways to Torture Your Roommate at Christmas |
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| Posted by Lindsey Stefani on 13-Aug-2005 | 25 Ways to Torture Your Roommate at Christmas1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloddy murder and thrash on the floor.
2.Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santa's lap. Refuse to get off.
3. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny you're wearing it.
4. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, "Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town..."
5. Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roommate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.
6. Hang a stocking with your roommate's name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say "you've been very naughty this year."
7. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.
8. Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (I.E. "You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last night.")
9. Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.
10. Sing: "All I want for Christmas is my roommate's two front teeth..."
11. Give your roommate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.
12. Build a snowperson with your roommate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn't come to life, cry hysterically "it didn't work!"
13. Whip your roommate screaming "now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc."
14. Tear down all your roommate's Christmas decorations yelling "Bah Humbug!"
15. Wake up every morning screaming "Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!"
16. Tell your roommate you're moving out. Santa's buying you a house on 34th Street.
17. Pin a poinsettia to your lapel.
18. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.
19. Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roommate's friends "give it a yank."
20. Ring jingle bells maniacally saying "every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings."
21. Stand in front of the mirror reciting "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" over and over in your underwear.
22. Smoke mistle-toe. Do what comes naturally.
23. Watch your roommate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up sing, "he sees you when you're sleeping..."
24. Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roommate asks, tell him/her "I had to let them stay here, there's no room at the inn."
25.When your roommate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her possessions. Tell him/her that Santa's elves must have done it.
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():holiday jokes (333): Top Ten Department Store Santa Pet Peeves |
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| Posted by sam bennett on 13-Aug-2005 | Top Ten Department Store Santa Pet Peeves10. Kids who refuse to believe that's fruitcake on your breath, not gin
9. When the last guy to use the beard leaves bits of his lunch in it
8. Even with the costume, people recognizing you from "America's Most Wanted"
7. Parents who get all uptight when you offer their kids a pinch of Skoal
6. That billionaire elf from Texas who won't shut up about running for president
5. Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from Yale Drama School
4. Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes get all the babes
3. Kids who don't understand that Santa's been a little jittery since he got back from 'Nam
2. Constantly being asked, "Is Rudolph gay?"
1. Two words: lap rash
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| Posted by Kimberly M. Owens on 13-Aug-2005 | Santa and MJWhy is Michael Jackson pissed at Santa Claus?
Because he refuses to sell his list of naughty boys!
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():holiday jokes (333): Top Ten Signs of Trouble in Santa Claus's Marriage |
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| Posted by Prabesh Neupane on 13-Aug-2005 | Top Ten Signs of Trouble in Santa Claus's Marriage10. He's replaced all the elves with scantily clad Swedish exchange students
9. Mrs. Claus calls him "that fat freak in the red underwear"
8. He traded in his sleigh for a van with a waterbed
7. He's been spending a little too much time with the life-sized Holiday Barbie
6. His new live-in personal elf valet, Steve
5. Mrs. Claus having cybersex relationship with accountant from New Jersey
4. He knows when she's been sleeping, he knows when she's awake, because he's bugged the bedroom
3. Lately, she keeps "forgetting" to tie her robe when she brings the elves their morning coffee
2. Stockings aren't the only things he's been nailing in front of the fireplace
1. Not a creature is stirring in Santa's pants......
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