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| Posted by KaBoOm on 14-Aug-2005 | Good Dog!A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his
shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back
again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note
in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I
have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there
is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the
sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he
decides to close up shop and follow the dog.
So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to
a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the
crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the
lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with
the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and
starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this
stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the
seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to
the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his
seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the
number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher,
by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels
thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up,
moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs,
pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries
still in his mouth, and the butcher still following. They walk
down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the
path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back
down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!-
against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run,
and throws himself -whap!- against the door again!
There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the
path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter
of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against
it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits
at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door,
and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.
The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you
doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"
To which the guy responds, "Clever, my ass. This is the second
time this week he's forgotten his key!"
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| Posted by fishpie on 14-Aug-2005 | Mime's Job in the ZooOne day a mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a
street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zoo keeper
grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular
attraction, a gorilla, died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance
at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the
gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning before the crowd arrives the mime puts on the gorilla
suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep
all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws larger crowds than
he ever did as a mime on the street.
However, eventually the crowd tires of him and he tires of just swinging
on auto tires. He notices that the people are paying more attention to the
lion in the next cage. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience,
he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles
from the top of the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious,
but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and
gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the
crowd grows larger, and his salary keeps going up.
Then one day when he is dangling over the top of the lion's cage, he slips
and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion raises himself up and prepares
to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run around the cage
with the lion in hot pursuit.
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help! Help me!"
The lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his
back looking up at the angry lion.
The lion says, "Shut up you idiot or we'll both lose our jobs!"
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| Posted by Casey M. Champion on 14-Aug-2005 | Full of CrapOne morning, an old lady goes to the grocery store to buy cat
food for her little cat. She looks around and picks the most
expensive kind of cat food. As she approaches the cashier, she
tells her, "Nothing but the best for my little kitty." The clerk
tells the old lady that she can't sell her the cat food because
a lot of old people buy cat food to eat it. She then tells the
old lady that she needs proof that she has a cat. So the old
lady goes home, takes her cat, and drags it to the store. Once
the clerk sees that the old lady actually has a cat, she sells
her the cat food.
The next day, the old lady goes to the grocery store again this
time to buy dog food. She looks around and picks the most
expensive kind of dog food. As she approaches the cashier, she
tells her, "Nothing but the best for my little puppy." The clerk
tells the old lady that she can't sell her the dog food because
a lot of old people buy dog food to eat it. She then tells the
old lady that she needs proof that she has a dog. So the old
lady, who is now very frustrated, goes home, takes her dog, and
drags it to the store. Once the clerk sees that the old lady
actually has a dog, she sells her the dog food.
The next day the old lady goes back to the grocery store with a
jar in her hands. The jar is covered with old newspapers and it
has a little hole at the top. The old lady goes directly to the
clerk and politely asks the clerk to stick her finger in. The
clerk immediately refuses because she is afraid that the old
lady has a snake inside. The old lady assures the clerk that
there is nothing in the jar that will bite her. So the clerk
sticks her finger inside the jar and feels around. She tells the
old lady that whatever is inside, is very soft and mushy. The
old lady now tells the clerk to take her finger out, and smell
it. The clerk does what she is told. As soon as she begins to
smell her finger, she starts to yell. She told the old lady that
the jar is full of crap and her finger smells like shit. The old
lady, with a smile from one ear to the other, tells the clerk,
"Very well. Now Do you think I can buy three rolls of toilet
paper?"
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| Posted by Brock on 14-Aug-2005 | How to Bathe a CatDear Cat Owner,
Following are instructions on the best way to bathe your cat:
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and
have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close
both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot
escape). CAUTION: Don't get any part of your body too close to
the edge, as his paws will be reaching out to grab anything they
can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never
mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually
enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides a "powerwash and
rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that
there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift
both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run
outside where he will dry himself.
Sincerely,
The DOG
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| Posted by Ronald A. Court on 14-Aug-2005 | The American WayThe Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race
realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were
going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and
decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They
would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the
world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to
dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its
arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler
bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest
Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest
puppy from each litter, removed his siblings which gave him all
the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years
came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.
Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and
nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up
with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund.
Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there
was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with
the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund
came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the
Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage
and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close
enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's
mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was
nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in
disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We
had our best people working for five years with the meanest
Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest
meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic
surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a
Dachshund."
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| Posted by Nicole disclosed information on 14-Aug-2005 | World's Smartest GorillaMr. Goldberg went to the zoo one day. While he was standing in
front of the gorilla's enclosure, he noticed the gorilla watching him
intently. The man waved at the gorilla, the gorilla waved back. He
patted his stomach and the gorilla copied him. He jumped up and down,
the gorilla started jumping. He made faces, pulled his hair, hopped on
one foot, spun in a circle, and beat on his chest. His antics were
copied exactly by the gorilla in the cage.
All of a sudden the wind gusted and he got some grit in his
eye. Mr. Goldberg rubbed his eye, trying to make it better. While doing
so he stepped closer and closer to the cage. As he pulled his
eyelid down to dislodge the particle, the gorilla went crazy, banged
against the bars, reached out, grabbed the nearly blinded Goldberg and
beat him senseless. When the zoo keeper came to Mr. Goldberg,
he told the keeper what had happened. The zoo keeper nodded and
explained that in gorilla language pulling down your eyelid
means "fuck you."
The explanation didn't make the gorilla's victim feel any better
but he accepted it. As he left he became madder and madder. He plotted
his revenge. The next day he purchased two large knives, two
party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the
sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo and over to the gorilla's
cage, into which he tossed a hat, a knife, and a party horn.
Knowing that the big ape liked to mimic people, he put on a party
hat. The gorilla looked at him, and looked at the hat, and put it on.
Next he picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla picked up his
horn and did the same. He twirled in a circle blowing the horn. The
gorilla did the same. Then Goldberg picked up his knife and waved it
over his head. Again the gorilla copied it. Next he whipped the
sausage out of his pants, and sliced it neatly in two. The gorilla
looked at the knife in his big hairy hand, looked at his own crotch, and
pulled down his eyelid.
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