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Gorilla and the Lion

A male gorilla at the zoo had been separated from his mate for several months and was really horny. One night after the zoo had closed and all the animal keepers had left, he decided he was going to tear the bars apart and screw the first thing he could find. As he left his cage and ran through the zoo he came upon a lion sleeping in the grass. He really wasn't thrilled with his find but since he had promised himself he would take the first thing he could get, he grabbed the lion and screwed it.

Just as the gorilla finished, the lion awoke and was really pissed. The lion started chasing the gorilla through the zoo and was beginning to gain on him. The gorilla turned a corner and saw a park bench with a newspaper on it. Thinking quickly, the gorilla sat down on the bench and held the newspaper in front of him like he was reading it. When the lion turned the corner he stopped at the park bench. Not knowing what was behind the newspaper he asked the reader if he had seen a gorilla run by.

From behind the paper, the gorilla said, 'You mean the one that screwed the lion?' The lion shook his head and shouted, 'Oh no! It's already in the papers!'

4 people have rated this joke:

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	():animal jokes (1719): Talking Duck

Posted by Dan B. Jamison on 13-Aug-2005

Talking Duck

A duck walks into a bar and orders a beer and a sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, "But you're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you talk!" exclaims the bartender.

"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich, please?"

"Certainly," says the bartender, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.

So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays and leaves. This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender tells him about the incredible talking duck.

"Marvellous!" says the ringleader, "get him to come see me."

So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, "Hey, Mr Duck, I lined you up with a top job paying really good money!"

"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"

"At the circus" says the bartender.

"The circus?" the duck enquires.

"That's right," replies the bartender.

"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.

"That's right!" says the bartender.

The duck looks confused and asks: "What the fuck do they want with a plasterer?"

3 people have rated this joke:

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	():animal jokes (1719): Female Whales Are The Same Way As Human Females

Posted by Mark B. Cullen on 14-Aug-2005

Female Whales Are The Same Way As Human Females

A male and female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blowout of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink". They tried it and sure enough the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore. At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen".

NOTE: The average blue whale produces over 400 gallons of sperm when it ejaculates, but only 10% of that actually makes it into his mate. So.... 360 gallons are spilled into the ocean every time one unloads, and you wonder why the ocean is so salty......

2 people have rated this joke:

3.50/10


	():animal jokes (1719): Legal Parrot

Posted by Krista N. Andrson on 13-Aug-2005

Legal Parrot

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500."

"Why does the parrot cost so much?" asks the customer.

The owner says "Well, the parrot knows how to do legal research." The customer then asks about the next parrot, to be told that this one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.

Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot, to be told that it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, "What can it do?"

To which the owner replies, "To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."

2 people have rated this joke:

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	():animal jokes (1719): chet the bird

Posted by Box Social on 14-Aug-2005

chet the bird

One day a man went to a pet store to buy his wife a christmas
present. "Can i help you?" said the pet salesman. "yes I'm
looking for a bird for my wife for Christmas. She love birds."
"I suggest this one sir, his name is chet when you stick a
lighter to his right foot he sings." so the man stuck a lighter
under chets right foot. He started to sing "Jingle bells jingle
bells, jingle all the way..." When you stick a lighter under his
left for he sings a different song. So the man stuck a lighter
under chets left foot and he sang "Deck the hall with bows of
holly..." Wow said the man I'll take him. Christmas came around
and the man gave chet to his wife. She listened to him sing
jingle bells and deck the halls. "Hun, I love him," she said.
"But what happens when you put the lghter between both feet?" "I
dont know lets find out." So they stuck the lighter between both
of his feet and he sang "Chets nuts roasting on an open fire..."

1 people have rated this joke:

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