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| Posted by Amanda Ciaramella on 08-Aug-2005 | Gorilla CaptureAs he was quietly watching television at home, a chap hears a sound on the roof of his house and rushes out to investigate. Seeing it was a fair sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home he promptly calls up the local zoo authorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He is reassured that a gorilla recovery unit is on the way and is told to remain calm.
A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulls up to the house. The elderly driver proceed to recover from the back of the truck, a chihuaha dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat and a 12 gauge shotgun.
Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla who had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap ask him how he will go about doing this.
As he hands him over the .12 gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explains
the plan:
- First I'll climb up there with the ladder;
- Then I approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat;
- As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained chihuaha dog will attack its private parts;
- When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered it's hands to it's groin area to protect itself thus making it easy for me to slip on the handcuffs;
- Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo...
Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner, 'asks why he was handed the 12 gauge shotgun?
"Well... " explains the experienced gorilla retriever, It's just a precaution should thing not go exactly as planned. In the unlikely event that once on the roof the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball bat,
Shoot the dog...
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| Posted by Dan B. Jamison on 08-Aug-2005 | Horny MouseOne night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door.
The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.
"Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this."
"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you!"
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| Posted by Homie G. Funk on 08-Aug-2005 | Bear and SquirrelDeep in the woods sat a bear and a squirrel at the communal latrine. "Hmmm" says the bear to the squirrel, "Do you find that shit tends to stick to your fur?"
"Yes it does" replies the squirrel.
"Great!" says the bear, and wipes his ass with the squirrel.
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| Posted by dawn whispers on 08-Aug-2005 | The Three MolesThere was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.
The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage.
The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said "Mmmmmm, I smell pancakes."
The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles.
The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is molasses!"
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| Posted by Tr Howes on 08-Aug-2005 | How To Catch A Polar BearHow do you catch a polar bear?
You dig a hole in the ice and place peas all around it, and when the
polar bear comes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole!
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| Posted by |]rE/-|/|Er on 08-Aug-2005 | The Little Boy Who Was StompingOne day, a little boy, was outside in the backyard stomping on honeybees.
When his father came out and saw what the little boy was doing, he made him stop right away and told the little boy, "That's it for you. No honey for a week."
Well, then the little boy went to the front yard of the house and started stomping on butterflies. When his father saw what Teddy was doing, he made him stop right away and said, "Stomping on butterflies is a terrible thing to do. Just for that, no butter for a week."
After that, little boy and his father went into the kitchen and saw the little boy's mother stomping on cockroaches.
The little boy turned to his father and said, "Should I tell her or should you?"
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