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| Posted by Garbett on 14-Aug-2005 | Great Thinkers of Our Time?Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,
but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world,
I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with
all those flies and death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same
reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other
similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
--Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
--David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed
to pay his taxes.
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life."
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal
anti-smoking campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
--Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country."
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
--Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are
the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
--Former French President Charles De Gaulle
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and
I'm just the one to do it."
--A congressional candidate in Texas
"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and
the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame
for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings?
The killers are to blame."
--Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues
behind the Los Angeles Riots
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it."
--Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
--General William Westmoreland
"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being
very wasteful. How true that is."
--Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the
United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is
a terrible thing to waste"
"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut
right out from under your feet."
--Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
(6/16/98) And just the other day, our boy Dan Quayle was quoted as saying
that the Republicans would definitely nominate someone this time who would
beat Bill Clinton. Of course the 22nd amendment precludes Bill from running
again...
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| Posted by Trisha Simone on 14-Aug-2005 | Key Chain Quotes- I need more money, power, and less SHIT from you people.
- We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.
- Discourage inbreeding; ban country music.
- Life is short. Don't be a dick.
- Yoo hoo!! Here I am, at the bottom of your purse!
- Starlight Starbright where the hell is Mr. Right
- To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support Group
- I majored in liberal arts, would you like fries w/that.
- I majored in philosophy, would you like fries w/that.
- I want my man to have a VCR: Very Cute Rear
- I have PMS and a gun. Did you have a problem with that!?!
- I'm 17. Give me your credit cards, give me your keys and get
out of my way.
- I haven't found Mr Right but I have found Mr Cheap, Mr Sleazy
and Mr Wrong
- You're just jealous cause the voices talk to me.
- It's Miss Bitch to you.
- How do you keep an idiot amused? Turn over. . . (on both sides
of keychain)
- I suffer from PMS... Putting up with Men's Shit
- If you're rich, I'm single.
- Men suffer from PMS too... Pretending to be Macho Studs
- If you shower in your clothes, it shows you're crazy. If you
shower nude, it show's your nuts!!!
- I'm immature, unorganized, irresponsible, lazy, and LOUD...
but I'm FUN.
- If you don't like my driving, then get off the sidewalk!
- If it has tires or testicles, it's gonna piss you off. - or -
If it has tires or tits, it's gonna piss you off.
- Behind every great man is a great woman, and behind every
great woman is some guy staring at her ass!
- Bury me upside down so the world can kiss my ass
- Birthdays only come once a year... aren't you glad you're not
a birthday?
- To some it's half empty, To some it's half full. To me it's
time for a beer run!
- (Written in really tiny writing) Nosy little fucker, aren't
you?
- (This is a visual gag. It's a condom inside plastic with the
caption) "In case of emergency, break glass." (What's really
funny is in tiny writing underneath) "Not recommended for use"
- I am so broke, I can't even pay attention.
- I am not a BITCH... I am *the* BITCH.
- I was put on this planet to make your life miserable.
- I'm in touch with my inner bitch.
- I am trying to graduate college with a 4.0 (blood alcohol
level).
- I do what the voices in my head tell me. Looking for Mr. Right
*crossed out* Mr. Wonderful *crossed out* Mr. Coffee!
- Heartbreaker, looking for next victim.
- In God we trust. All others we monitor.
- Not all women are annoying... some are dead.
- The nuns made me dress this way.
- You! Out of the gene pool!
- You must be this tall to ride this ride.
- Moody Bitch; seeking a caring, and understanding guy to dump
on.
B.I.T.C.H. = Beautiful Individual That Can Handle anything!
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| Posted by Gary Cooper on 14-Aug-2005 | Front and Back SeatsChildren in the front seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat
cause children.
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| Posted by net master on 14-Aug-2005 | More Deep ThoughtsIf at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.
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| Posted by Father Ted on 14-Aug-2005 | Some time-honored truths1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other
people.
4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to
say it.
5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large
groups.
6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
7. I doubt, therefore I might be.
8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how
to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. A fool and his money are soon partying.
14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back
to?
16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to
drown too?
20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do
it?
22. If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
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| Posted by Rougewisp on 14-Aug-2005 | Doggy Quotesregarding Dogs...
"Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant."
-Unknown
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."
-Gene Hill
"In dog years, I'm dead."
-Unknown
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in
case the need should arise for them to bark violently about nothing right
in your ear."
-Dave Barry
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog,
it's too dark to read."
-Groucho Marx
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
-Aldous Huxley
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times
before lying down."
-Robert Benchley
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think
that's how dogs spend their lives."
-Sue Murphy
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts
to bite people themselves."
-August Strindberg
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless
absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
-Fran Lebowitz
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a
grocery store with the most amazing haul-chicken, pork, half a cow. They
must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
-Anne Tyler
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious
cult."
-Rita Rudner
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can.
That's almost $7.00 in dog money."
-Joe Weinstein
"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
-James Thurber
"You enter into a certain amount of madness when you marry a person with
pets."
-Nora Ephron
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are
wonderful."
-Ann Landers
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and
get used to the idea."
-Robert A. Heinlein
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should
have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
-Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan
"Of all the things I miss from veterinary practice, puppy breath is one of
the most fondest memories!"
-Dr. Tom Cat
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
-Ben Williams
"When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem."
-Edward Abbey
"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look
like the dog did it."
-Unknown
"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his
tail."
-Unknown
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog
does."
-Christopher Morley
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves
himself."
-Josh Billings
"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
-Holbrook Jackson
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
-Andrew A. Rooney
"He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his
life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the
last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion."
-Unknown
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
-Mark Twain
"Things that upset a terrier may pass virtually unnoticed by a Great Dane."
-Smiley Blanton
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed
contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."
-John Steinbeck
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