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| Posted by cooter on 14-Aug-2005 | Grumpy ChristmasT'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works
I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money
And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible ...Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM!
If you think that's bad...just picture this
Try holding those brats...with their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose - they grab at my beard
And if I don't smile..the parents think I'm weird
Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason
I found me a blonde.. I'm going SOUTH for the season!
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| Posted by Educated Olive on 14-Aug-2005 | Christmas GiftA young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. "These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. "I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. "When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. "Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love.
"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
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():holiday jokes (333): Top Ten Signs You're Too Old to be Trick or Treating |
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| Posted by Big Huka on 14-Aug-2005 | Top Ten Signs You're Too Old to be Trick or Treating10. You get winded from knocking on the door.
9. You have to have another kid chew the candy for you.
8. You ask for high fiber candy only.
7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balanceand fall over.
6. People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and you're not wearing a mask.
5. When the door opens you yell, "Trick or..." and can't remember the rest.
4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.
3. You have to carefully choose a costume that won't dislodge your hairpiece.
2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.
1. You avoid going to houses where your ex-wives live.
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| Posted by rachel furman on 14-Aug-2005 | Least Popular Christmas Carols(as sung by the Late Show Carolers) As presented on the 12/03/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN
10. "I Saw Mommy Marry Larry King"
9. "Boris the Red-Nosed Yeltsin Had an 86-Proof Nose"
8. "Im Searching For the Real Killers With Every Round of Golf I Play"
7. "Oh, Hillary, Oh, Hillary, You're Going to Jail for One-to-Three"
6. "Influenza, Influenza, Influenza, Influenza"
5. "O Little Network CBS How Still We See Thee Lie"
4. "Frosty the Crackhead Had a Crack Pipe Full of Crack"
3. "I Have an Irregular Heartbeat Pa-Rum-Pum-Pum-Pum"
2. "O.J. Is Free Although He's Prob'ly Guilty"
1. "Good King Clinton Dropped His Pants in a Cheap Hotel Room"
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():holiday jokes (333): The Top 13 Reasons You Didn't Win the Halloween Costume Contest (Part II) |
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| Posted by soccerlegs on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 13 Reasons You Didn't Win the Halloween Costume Contest (Part II)13. After your roommate insisted on being the front legs, you began to suspect that a burrito dinner wasn't such a good idea.
12. Your "Ally McBeal" barfed in the judge's trick or treat bag.
11. The Nike swoosh -- while obscene to some -- is just not all that scary emblazoned on a white sheet.
10. "Hey! Blue dress with a stain and a cigar! Why didn't I think of that??" 10. Somehow your Snoop Dog costume just didn't go over that `ig at the Quayle house.
9. Your kindergarten students failed to see the humor in your "Road Kill Barney" costume.
8. Since few people have actually *seen* the Top 5 List moderator, they can't possibly see the authenticity of the drooling and the strong body odor.
7. Unlike thousands of other Monica look-alikes, the semen on your dress is not *really* the President's semen.
5. Although your "Internal Bus Architecture of the Intel Celeron Chip" costume was a big hit with the other engineers at the office, things are different out in the real world.
4. You can't get the zipper on your Bill Clinton costume to stay down.
3. In order to enter, you'd first have to log off the Internet -- and pornography doesn't just read itself, now does it?
2. Looks like "Viagra Man" will be spending Halloween in jail for indecent exposure.
1. Something in her eyes tells you there was an inherent flaw in your plan of dressing up as the hostess's dead husband in order to get laid.
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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():holiday jokes (333): The Top 15 *Other* Signs Santa Claus is Actually a Woman |
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| Posted by Derek N. Wallbank on 14-Aug-2005 | The Top 15 *Other* Signs Santa Claus is Actually a Woman15. Santa *remembers* it's Christmas. 'Nuf said.
14. Reads children's letters in office instead of in bathroom.
13. Never explains what exactly you did to deserve that coal in your stocking; if you have to ask, maybe that's the problem!
12. Employs little people in a sweatshop and co-hosts TV talk show, "Regis and Santa Lee."
11. Despite the closet full of red coats with big black belts, *still* insists she has nothing to wear on Christmas Eve.
10. "Mrs. Claus" wears work boots, has a crew cut, and drives a '68 El Camino.
9. A man simply would not care if you were naughty or nice.
8. Actually seems to shake like TWO bowls full of jelly.
7. Bowl full of jelly, my ass. It's water retention.
6. Constantly whining about equality until it's time to clean out the reindeer stalls.
5. Matching shoes and belt? Only a woman would accessorize a pantsuit like that!
4. No guy would ever name his animals Dancer and Prancer.
3. Santa never, ever observed peeing off of rooftops.
2. The North Pole Blockbuster's been out of "The Horse Whisperer" for weeks.
1. With the way they build chimneys these days you'd *have* to be Calista friggin' Flockhart just to get in!
[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
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