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| Posted by Dastir on 14-Aug-2005 | Guard DogIn the small town of Whatsville, there were a lot of crimes going on, and
Dave wanted to get a guard dog. So one day Dave goes into the pet store
and says, "I need the best guard dog I can buy." The petstore owner goes
to the back. He returns with a tiny dog. Dave laughed and said, "That's no
guard dog!" The owner said, "Not only a guard dog, but this dog knows
karate," The owner said, "Dog, karate that chair." and the chair turned
into a pile of splinters. Dave said, "I'll take it!!" When he got home, he
told his wife about this dog and said, "Watch this, my dog knows karate."
The wife looked over and said, "Karate my ass!"
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| Posted by Tina B on 14-Aug-2005 | The Flying TurtleDeep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.
After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air
waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and
fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again while a
couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she
chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
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| Posted by Nat Hartten on 14-Aug-2005 | Guide Dog Almost Killed Blind ManA blind man is walking down the street with his guide dog one
day. They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the
high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind
man right out into the thick of the traffic. This is followed by
the screech of tires as panicked drivers try desperately not to
run the pair down. Horns blaring, the blind man and the dog
finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of
the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat
pocket which he offers to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't
control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth
are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you
killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To
find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass!"
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| Posted by I Luv Jason Williams on 14-Aug-2005 | Stuttering CatLittle Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher
says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only
human stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny!", replies the teacher. "Well, Miss,
the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The
neighbors' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat
went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he
could said, "Fuck off!", the dog ate him!"
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| Posted by Chandler on 14-Aug-2005 | The 2 IrishmenPaddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.
When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said "Paddy, me ol' mate,
how we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one a ta' ears off my fookin pig, and
ten we can tell 'em apart." "Ah tat'd be grand." Says Paddy.
This worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy stormed into the
house.
"Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the ear offa my fookin pig.
Now we got two fookin pigs with on one ear each. How we gonna tell who
owns which fookin pig?"
"Well Paddy" said Paddy "I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten
we'll av two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear"
"Ah tat'd be grand." says Paddy.
Again this worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy again
stormed into the house.
"Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin
pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears. How we gonna tell who
owns which fookin pig?"
"Ah tis is serious, Paddy." Said Paddy "I'll tell ya what I'll do I'll cut
ta tail offa my fookin pig. Ten we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin
ears and only one fookin tail."
"Ah tat'd be grand." Says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by, and you guessed it, Paddy stormed into
the house once more.
"PADDY" shouted Paddy "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY
FOOKIN PIG AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO
FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!! HOW THE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM
APART!!!!!!!!!!"
"Ah fook it." Says Paddy "How's about you have the black one, and I'll
have the white one?"
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():animal jokes (1719): Little Princess meets a talking frog... |
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| Posted by Rebecca j. Mallett on 14-Aug-2005 | Little Princess meets a talking frog...Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured
princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the
princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put
a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a
prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom,
and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children
and forever feel happy doing so."
That night, while the princess dined on frogs legs, she laughed
to herself and thought "I don't fucking think so."
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