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| Posted by Nat Hartten on 14-Aug-2005 | Guide Dog Almost Killed Blind ManA blind man is walking down the street with his guide dog one
day. They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the
high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind
man right out into the thick of the traffic. This is followed by
the screech of tires as panicked drivers try desperately not to
run the pair down. Horns blaring, the blind man and the dog
finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of
the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat
pocket which he offers to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't
control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth
are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you
killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To
find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass!"
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| Posted by I Luv Jason Williams on 14-Aug-2005 | Stuttering CatLittle Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher
says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only
human stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny!", replies the teacher. "Well, Miss,
the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The
neighbors' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat
went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he
could said, "Fuck off!", the dog ate him!"
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| Posted by Chandler on 14-Aug-2005 | The 2 IrishmenPaddy and Paddy, two Irishmen, went out one day and each bought a pig.
When they got home, Paddy turned to Paddy and said "Paddy, me ol' mate,
how we gonna tell who owns which fookin pig?"
Paddy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one a ta' ears off my fookin pig, and
ten we can tell 'em apart." "Ah tat'd be grand." Says Paddy.
This worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy stormed into the
house.
"Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the ear offa my fookin pig.
Now we got two fookin pigs with on one ear each. How we gonna tell who
owns which fookin pig?"
"Well Paddy" said Paddy "I'll cut ta other ear off my fookin pig. Ten
we'll av two fookin pigs and only one of them will avan ear"
"Ah tat'd be grand." says Paddy.
Again this worked fine until a couple of weeks later when Paddy again
stormed into the house.
"Paddy" he said "Your fookin pig has chewed the other ear offa my fookin
pig. Now we got two fookin pigs with no fookin ears. How we gonna tell who
owns which fookin pig?"
"Ah tis is serious, Paddy." Said Paddy "I'll tell ya what I'll do I'll cut
ta tail offa my fookin pig. Ten we'll av two fookin pigs with no fookin
ears and only one fookin tail."
"Ah tat'd be grand." Says Paddy.
Another couple of weeks went by, and you guessed it, Paddy stormed into
the house once more.
"PADDY" shouted Paddy "YOUR FOOKIN PIG HAS CHEWED THE FOOKIN TAIL OFFA MY
FOOKIN PIG AND NOW WE GOT TWO FOOKIN PIGS WITH NO FOOKIN EARS AND NO
FOOKIN TAILS!!!!!!!!!!! HOW THE FOOK ARE WE GONNA FOOKIN TELL 'EM
APART!!!!!!!!!!"
"Ah fook it." Says Paddy "How's about you have the black one, and I'll
have the white one?"
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():animal jokes (1719): Little Princess meets a talking frog... |
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| Posted by Rebecca j. Mallett on 14-Aug-2005 | Little Princess meets a talking frog...Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured
princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the
princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put
a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a
prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom,
and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children
and forever feel happy doing so."
That night, while the princess dined on frogs legs, she laughed
to herself and thought "I don't fucking think so."
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| Posted by jake hatesworth on 14-Aug-2005 | RoarOne night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being
introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around
said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace? He is our
oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories you'll never forget."
They awakened the old man and asked him to tell them a hunting story.
"Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a lion hunting expedition in
Africa. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing.
On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a fallen
tree, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and fell asleep.
I don't know how long I was asleep when I was awakened by a noise in the
bushes. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest lion I ever saw jumped
out of the bushes at me like this, ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!! I
tell you, I just shit in my pants." The young men looked astonished and
one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a
lion jumped out at me." The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not
then, just now when I said ROOOAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!
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| Posted by helen w on 14-Aug-2005 | Do you have a problemA bear decides to go take a shit in the woods. Upon entering the
woods, he sees a rabbit doing the same as he is about to do. So
he takes his shit and notices that he got shit on his hair
again. He asked the rabbit, "Hey rabbit, do you have a problem
with shit sticking to your hair?" The rabbit replied, "No." So
the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his ass with him.
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