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| Posted by fantase on 09-Aug-2005 | Hard to come by"Where's your pencil, Bud?" the teacher asked an American boy who had just come to school in Britain.
"I ain't got one, Sir."
"You're in England now, Bud. Not ain't, haven't. I haven't got a pencil. You haven't got a pencil. They haven't got a pencil."
"Gee!" said Bud. "Pop said things were tough in this country, but I didn't know pencils were so hard to come by."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Emma Liles on 09-Aug-2005 | AdoptionA child custody case was held in court.
The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn't decide who he should grant full custody to.
So he asks the little boy, "Would you like to live with your mother?"
"No," said the boy.
"Why not?" said the judge.
"Because she beats me."
The judge says "Okay, then you'll go live with your father."
"Oh no," cried the boy. "He beats me too!"
Dumbfounded, the judge asks, "Okay, who do you want to live with?"
"I want to live with the Boston Red Sox."
"Why?" asks the judge.
"They don't beat anybody."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by yisman
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| Posted by JMD8 on 09-Aug-2005 | What ya gonna do?Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his penis in preparation of sex with his wife.
Johnny's father, in an attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin' dad?"
His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed."
Little Johnny asked, "What ya gonna do, screw him?"
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman
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| Posted by andrew leworthy on 09-Aug-2005 | disappointmentMr. Perkins, the biology teacher at a posh girl's school, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."
Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this."
With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.
Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your homework.
Two, you have a dirty mind.
And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Yisman
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| Posted by Nevyn J. Leo on 09-Aug-2005 | ChangeA woman I work with is dating a doctor. She is also a grandmother.
One morning she was over at the doc's house when her daughter-in-law called, sort of frantic.
It seems that her grandson had swallowed a penny.
The daughter-in-law wanted her to ask the doctor if she should bring the boy in to be seen.
When she asked the doc, he calmly replied, "I don't think it's necessary, just watch him closely for any change."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
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| Posted by Jeanna M. Garloch on 09-Aug-2005 | Which one?Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None," replied Johnny, "because the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking."
Submitting by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
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