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| Posted by Tom Nanney on 09-Aug-2005 | HeadstonesHusband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads 'Here Lies My Wife- Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband-Stiff At Last.'"
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| Posted by Bob Nelson on 09-Aug-2005 | DogsWhat do you get when you mate a Bulldog and a Shuh-tzu? Bullshit
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| Posted by Jeremy W. Thompson on 09-Aug-2005 | SeasicknessThe ship's steward stopped at the rail of the ship during a particularly rough ocean crossing and gazed compassionately at the man who's slumped position over the rail and whose intensity of gaze towards the depths betokened all too well the ravages of seasickness.
Gently, the steward patted the man's shoulder.
"Cheer up, sir," he murmured.
"I know it seems bad, but really, you know, nobody ever dies of seasickness."
The afflicted gentleman lifted his greenish, tortured face to his comforter and gasped in hoarse accents.
"Don't say that, man. For heaven's sake, don't say that. It's only the hope of dying that's keeping me alive."
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| Posted by brandon issler on 09-Aug-2005 | Airplane FlasherAn exhibitionist named Joe was preparing to board a flight to Atlanta.
As he approached the open door of the plane at the end of the jet way, a very attractive flight attendant was collecting boarding passes. As she reached down toward Joe for his boarding pass, he opened his raincoat and exposed himself.
"I'm sorry sir" she said politely, "but you have to show your ticket, not your stub."
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| Posted by afman on 09-Aug-2005 | Reflections on LifeLife's Reflections
1. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
2. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
3. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
4. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
5. Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
6. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
7. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
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| Posted by Mathman2 on 09-Aug-2005 | SquirrelsA little boy squirrel and a little girl squirrel were chattering and playing around when up comes a fox.
The girl squirrel dashed up a tree, but the boy squirrel stayed on the ground.
"That's strange," said the fox.
"Usually squirrels are afraid of me and run to the nearest tree."
"Listen, bud," replied the boy squirrel. "Did you ever try to climb a tree when you were in the process of making love?"
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