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| Posted by Dan Smee on 14-Aug-2005 | hellA man goes to hell and is very upset and is crying.
The devil approaches him and says that hell is not such a bad
place
" Hell's ok" And the devil says "When you were alive did you
like women?"
The man replies "Loved them, they are great!"
"Well, you are going to love Monday's, you can have any women
and as many as you like" says the devil.
"What about drinking, alchol?" says the devil.
"Well, I had my own home brew and drinking was my hobby" says
the man.
"Tuesday, all the alchol you can have and of any sort" says the
devil.
"Now what about drugs?" says the devil.
"I dabbled in drugs at college." says the man.
"Wednesday all the drugs you want." says the devil.
"Now what about men? Did you, you know, like men?" says the
devil.
"Absolutely not, no way!" says the man.
"Well your going to hate Thursday then!" says the devil.
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| Posted by Justin Hiracheta on 14-Aug-2005 | Tramp's CarThere was a poor man who lived on the street, and one day he won
10 million pounds on the lottery. The first thing he did was to
go and buy a Rolls-Royce. Feeling happy, he was driving down the
motorway in his new car when a police car drove past.
The policeman looked at the car, then looked at the driver.
Since the car was the first thing the tramp had bought, and he
hadn't yet got around to buying some smart clothes, he still
looked like a tramp. The policeman noticed this and pulled him
over onto the hard shoulder.
"You don't look like the sort of person who could afford such a
great car," said the policeman. "I have a strong suspicion that
you stole it."
"No," replied the tramp, "it's my car."
"Get out of the car," said the policeman. The tramp obliged. The
policeman took a piece of chalk out of his pocket and drew a
circle on the road, a few metres from the car.
"Right, I want you to stand in that chalk circle and don't move
from there. I want you to admit that this isn't your car."
"Officer, It IS my own car."
"If you don't admit to having stolen it, I'm going to scratch
the paintwork."
The tramp didn't say anything, so the policeman turned around,
took his keys out of his pocket and proceeded to gauge deep
scratches in the paintwork all around the car. He looked at the
tramp. "What do you think of THAT then!"
The policeman was puzzled to see that the tramp had a big grin
on his face. "If you admit that you stole this car then you
won't spend as much time in prison. If you don't admit it, then
I'll slash the tyres."
The tramp said nothing so the policeman took out a knife and
slashed all four tyres. When he looked back at the tramp he saw
that he was giggling--most odd.
"Right," said the policeman, quite angry now. "I'll give you one
last chance. YOU STOLE THE CAR DIDN'T YOU! If you don't admit it
I'm going to trash the Rolls-Royce."
"No officer, it's my car."
Furious, the policeman opened the boot and took out a can of
petrol. He poured petrol all over the seats, took out a match
and threw it into the window. The car went up in flames. The
policeman turned back to find the tramp doubled over in laughter.
"Okay, now I KNOW that it's not you car. If it was your car you
wouldn't be laughing like this, after I've just destroyed it."
"I maintain that it's my own car, officer," said the tramp
between giggles. "I just won the lottery and I decided to treat
myself."
"But why the hell are you laughing though???"
"Because," said the tramp, hardly able to get the words out
between gasps of laughter, "every time you turned around, I
jumped out of the circle!"
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| Posted by Richard R. Dooley on 14-Aug-2005 | I am NEVER flying again!10.) "We have a lost child at gate D-4, the bidding will start
at twenty dollars."
9.) "I'm sorry madam, but we cannot allow you to bring your cat
on board. We don't yet know the effects of high radiation on our
feline friends. And we are required to check your bags."
8.) "Yes sir, we are aware of the biohazard tag on your luggage
and no, you don't want to know it's origin. I recommend you
refrain from opening your suitcase."
7.) "Yes sir, importing Cuban cigars is illegal, that is why the
security officer had to confiscate them. What? He's smoking
them? HEY! YOU RAT! SAVE SOME FOR ME!"
6.) "I'm sorry madam, but our insurance policy does not cover
punctures in your bags caused by our checking attendants. No it
also does not cover airline crashes. It does cover explosions
prior to takeoff, however, and is our most commonly purchased
package."
5.) "Attention all airline passengers, your flight has been
delayed."
4.) "Due to fog at O'Hare we would like to ask all terrorists to
refrain from detonating their bombs until the second half of our
flight at which point we will light up the detonation light.
This is to allow us sufficient time to crash into the ground as
scheduled."
3.) "Madam, please take your entree NOW, the tongs are melting."
2.) "We apologize for the delay. Due to extenuating
circumstances our pilot is experiencing difficulties with his
sobriety level, please allow sufficient time for him to have
additional shots of tequila."
1.) "This is your captain speaking, on the left you can now
observe the majestic Mount Kilamanjar ... oh, SHIT!" I am
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| Posted by Princess foxy on 14-Aug-2005 | Trip to Newfoundland HALIFAX TO GANDER
12 DAYS - 4 NIGHTS
JAN. 21 - FEB. 30
Itinerary
1st Day: Leave Halifax International Airport 4:35am. All passengers
travel first class aboard Air Newf's Uni-Engine Jumbo Jet.
2nd day: In Air
3rd day: In Air
4th day: In Air
5th day: Arrive Gander 9:00pm and on to Gander Curling Club, 3rd floor,
basement annex for box dinner of clam chowder and soda crackers.
6th day: After breakfast, complete city tour of gander, 9:30am-9:30am.
Free time for shop lifting followed by a fabulous 9-course meal
consisting of: Rabbit Soup, One Seal Flipper Pie, Cod Bits and a
Six-pack.
7th day: Tour of countryside in the comfort of a U.S. war surplus Jeep
left behind after the historical American evacuation.
8th day: Back to town for a tour of the new Civic Library. Everyone will
get to see the book.
9th day: Board waiting Jumbo Jet to the Mainland. Only three quick stops
(two for fuel and one for directions.)
10th day: In Air
11th day: In Air
12th day: Arrive Halifax between 10:00am and Midnight, depending on
weather conditions and fuel supply.
ONLY $49.50 per couple.
* Includes transportation, meals, drugs, tours, transfers, hotel, first
aid and parachute (opens on impact) *
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| Posted by Jerrette R. Frank on 14-Aug-2005 | Picking your ass?This is a true story that actually happened to me.
I was on a field trip to New York City with my friend Emmanuel. We were on
one of those nicer buses with the bucket seats. During the ride we would
complain to each other if one of us were over in the other's territory,
you know, over the crack between the seats. On the way home at night my
friend was lying against the window trying to get some sleep. I saw him
reach over near his ass and I said, "What are you doing, picking your
ass?" And he says, "No, I'm just feeling the crack."
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| Posted by XX2Gurly4UXX on 14-Aug-2005 | VacationSanta Clause, The Easter Bunny, and a Lepercon all go on a
vacation. They are all drivin in the car when they all have to
go to the bathroom so they pull over at this hotel. They all go
inside and the Lepercon asked the secritary when the bathroom
is.
The Secretary says it's down the hall and to the left, but it's
haunted.But the Lepercon really has to go so he does anyway. So
he go's into the bathroom. Then all of a sudden a ghost pops out
of nowhere and says I'm the ghost say's "I'm the ghost of
Lamborgini I'll cut off your balls and eat your weiny."The
Lepercon just ran out of the bathroom and ran away as quick as
he could. Then The Easter Bunny wasn't goin to go in but he
really had to so he did. Then when he got in there the ghost
said "I'm the ghost of Lamborgini I'll cut off your ball and eat
your weiny." And then the Easter Bunny runs off. So then Santa
say's "I really have to go to the bathroom." so he goes in and
then the ghost says again "I'm the ghost of Lamborgini I'll cut
off your balls and eat your weiny." Santa replies, "I'm the
ghost of Christmas Past you touch my ball I kick your ass."
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