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():travel & vacation jokes (283): Helpful Hints for the Inexperienced Travele


Posted by Burne L. Taylor on 13-Aug-2005

Helpful Hints for the Inexperienced Travele

* Be very suspicious if the advertised price of a Caribbean cruise includes the phrase "Free Ammo"

* There is no legitimate reason for a travel agent to need to know if you have experience in jungle warfare.

* Do not board a cruise ship if passengers are being issued oars.

* Legitimate travel agents do not dress in foreign military uniforms.

* In South America, say no to anyone wanting you to deliver a suitcase of powdered sugar to their grandmother in Miami.

* Consider very carefully visiting a country where the license plate motto is "Die American Pig"


   

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():travel & vacation jokes (283): The Helpful Pilot


Posted by Clueless_3216 on 13-Aug-2005

The Helpful Pilot

I was flying from San Francisco to Los Angeles. Unexpectedly, we stopped in Sacramento on the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if we wanted to get of the aircraft, we would reboard in 30 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. I noticed him as I walked by and could tell he had flown before because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight. I could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him and, calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

Keith replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this ..... all the people in the gate area came to a complete stand still when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with the Seeing eye dog!

The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.

People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, they also were trying to change airlines!


   

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():travel & vacation jokes (283): Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly...


Posted by catisfaction on 13-Aug-2005

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly...

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped and returned to the gate. After an hour long wait, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," he explained. "It took us awhile to find a new pilot."


   

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():travel & vacation jokes (283): Race to the plane crash


Posted by Donald Little on 13-Aug-2005

Race to the plane crash

Editor's note: This joke got an "R" because it is completely politically incorrect. Welcome to the 21st century.

--------------------

A pilot came over the intercom and said, "we are losing altitude and we need to lose some weight on the plane so we are throwing all of your luggage off." So the flight attendants threw all of the luggage off of the plane.

About 15 minutes later the pilot came back on the intercom and said, "we still are losing altitude so we have to get rid of more weight on the plane. We are going to throw people off in alphabetical order according to race."

A minute later the pilot said, "ok will all of the Asians please jump out of the plane" Two people got up and jumped.

The pilot then said, "ok will all of the Blacks jump off now." About 7 or 8 blacks got up and jumped except one, a mother and her son.

The little boy looks up at his mom and said, "Momma I thought you said we were black?"

His mother looked down at him and smiled, "We're niggaz today, honey!"


   

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():travel & vacation jokes (283): Camping Hints


Posted by ness on 13-Aug-2005
Camping Hints
When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.

Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.

While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.

Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.

Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.

You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.

You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.

The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians.

When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.

Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping: Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.

The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.

Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.


   

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():travel & vacation jokes (283): How to make camping more fun!


Posted by Deniz A. Dogan on 13-Aug-2005
How to make camping more fun!
When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.

Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills.

While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.

Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however, have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness experience.

Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.

You'll never be lost if you remember that moss always grows on the north side of your compass.

You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into a plastic garbage bag with several geese.

The canoe paddle, a simple device used to propel a boat, should never be confused with a gnu paddle, a similar device used by Tibetan veterinarians.

When camping, always wear a long-sleeved shirt. It gives you something to wipe your nose on.

Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.

The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.

Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate


   

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