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| Posted by JOHN BALTUSKONIS on 10-Aug-2005 | Her Splintered CrotchA lady from California purchased a piece of timberland in Oregon. There was a
large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good
view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top,
she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many
splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest
doctor.
He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he
would see if he could help her. She sat and waited for three hours before the
doctor reappeared.
The angry lady demanded, "What took you so long?"
The unperturbed doctor replied, "Well, I had to get permits from the
Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land
Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."
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| Posted by brandi on 10-Aug-2005 | Perfect shapeGuy's wife comes home from her physical checkup at the M.D.'s, and her hubby
says, "Well, how did it go?" She tells him, "The doctor says I'm in perfect
shape!" Husband says, "Oh, yeah? How about that big fat ass?" She says, "Oh, we
didn't talk about you!"
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| Posted by nazi bob on 10-Aug-2005 | Talking With Your BodyA man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man
realizes that he can't find the rake. He yells up to his wife, "Where is the
rake?" She can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"
The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a
raking motion.
The wife is not sure and says, "What?" The man repeats his gestures. "EYE KNEE
THE RAKE"
The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to
her eye, then points to her left breast, then points to her butt, and finally to
her crotch.
Well, the man has no clue on that one. Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks
her, "What in the friggin' hell was that?"
She replies, "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE BUSH".
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| Posted by Joe B. Bob on 10-Aug-2005 | Santa Throws Tantrum, Starts TraditionSanta was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs.
Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting
paid for the overtime they had worked while making the toys and were threatening
to go on strike. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead
drunk. To make matters worse, a few of the other elves had taken the sleigh out
for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of
presents all over the world in just a few hours -- all of my reindeer are drunk,
the elves are walking out and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that
stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet!
What am I going to do?"
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the
snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. The angle said, "Yo, fat man! Where do
you want me to stick the tree this year?"
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass....
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| Posted by Jay Knite on 12-Aug-2005 | Meet the Schitt Family!Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt, Awe Schitt the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Knee-deep Schitt Inn.
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they produced 6 children.
Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt; and another son, Bull Schitt.
Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. Dip Schitt marries Lotta Schitt and they have a son Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The Schitt - Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt.
Bull Schitt just married a spicy little number, Pisa Schitt and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.
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| Posted by Cyberventurer on 12-Aug-2005 | Rappers quoteyou know what they say ladies:\"Big hands, Big...\"- Marshall Mathers
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