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| Posted by Marco The Great on 14-Aug-2005 | Hillbillies on HalloweenWhat do hillbillies do on Halloween?
Pump kin.
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| Posted by Wicked_draven69 on 14-Aug-2005 | Gothic Prostitutes and SantaThere were three gothic girls walking down the street. Santa
notices and says," Aren't you wearing any bright colors instead
of dark." The girls said," Because we're the THREE GOTHICS
PROSTITUTES!" Suddenly, Santa is laughing his head off and then,
his pants fall off. The prostitutes mouths are wide open and
they colaspe onto the sidewalk. Santa says," I better go and
take them to my workshop and get a good workout." In the end,
the three gothic prostitutes become Santa's sexual playmates for
all eternity. Ended by being druged up and brainwashed.
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| Posted by tanisha on 11-Aug-2005 | How to cook a Turkey...How to cook a Turkey...
- Go buy a turkey
- Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) OR JD
- Put turkey in the oven
- Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
- Set the degree at 375 ovens
- Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
- Turn oven the on
- Take 4 whisks of drinky
- Turk the bastey
- Whiskey another bottle of get
- Stick a turkey in the thermometer
- Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
- Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
- Take the oven out of the turkey
- Take the oven out of the turkey
- Floor the turkey up off of the pick
- Turk the carvey
- Get yourself another scottle of botch
- Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
- Bless the saying, pass and eat out
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| Posted by Jayla M. McLeod on 11-Aug-2005 | A Christmas Poem'Twas the night before Christmas,
and God it was neat
The kids were both gone,
and my wife was in heat
The doors were all bolted,
and the phone off the hook
It was time for some nooky,
by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite.
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole,
whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
That was some brothel, he said with a smile,
The reindeer are pooped,
and I'll just stay here awhile.
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone,
and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that
I shouldn't even mention.
A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
This suff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split.
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,
Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,
Take me home Rudolph, this night's been a bitch!
The sleigh was near gone when we
heard Santa shout,
The best thing about sex is that it
never wears out!
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| Posted by derosa_da_man on 11-Aug-2005 | Christmas ParrotA man wants to buy a pet for his girlfriend for Christmas, so he goes to a pet shop...
"Hello, I was thinking of buying a pet for my girlfriend."
"You came to the right place. How about a parrot?"
"I don't know, I was thinking of a more romantic animal."
"It is not just a parrot. It is a singing parrot. He sings three different Christmas songs. LEt me show you."
The pet shop worker raises the parrot's right foot and lights a match under it. The parrot sings, "We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish.." The match is then removed. He then lights a match under the left foot. "Dashing through the snow in a one horse opeen sleigh..." The match is then removed.
The man enthusiastically says, "That's really neat. Let me hear the third song."
The pet shop worker then puts a lit match between the parrot's legs. "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.."
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| Posted by Kathryn C. Buford on 11-Aug-2005 | Cruise StoriesThese are true stories from someone who works on a cruise ship.
1. (For this one, you have to know that it's really easy to get lost in the maze of corridors and elevators on a ship.) A lady asked if this elevator went to the front of the ship.
2. Two elderly women were staring at the numbers of the floors listed above the elevator door. When asked if they needed any assistance with something, one asked how they were going to be able to reach way up there to push the button for their floor.
3. A newlywed couple, after bringing their luggage into their cabin, stormed down to the desk. The bride was in tears, and the groom was red faced. When asked what the problem was, the groom started swearing at the desk clerk. "We booked a cabin with a view for our honeymoon, and all we get to see out the window is a parking lot!"
4. There was some mix-up with a woman's room. The clerk (or whatever they are called on ships) was trying to remedy the situation. He asked, "Would you like an inside cabin or an outside cabin?" She replied, "Well, it looks like it might rain today. I'd better get an inside cabin."
5. Two women were sitting by the pool, and one asked what kind of water they fill the pool with -- fresh water or sea water? The cruise director answered, "Sea water." "Oh, that explains why it's so rough today."
6. Someone -- always a man -- always asks, "does the ship run on generators?" The Cruise Director usually tells them, "No, we just have a very long power line running to the mainland."
7. "What do you do with the ice sculptures after they melt?"
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